WARNING: my kids caught the Stupid!

My children woke up with a case of the STUPID today. I was tempted to go back to bed so I didn't catch it but I figured the best thing to do was send them off to school. Since I know it's contagious, maybe it wasn't the best motherly thing for me to do.... but FUCK THAT! I think it's only fair since someone got one of my kids SICK!!!

First there was Kissass. I had just taken her breakfast to the table when she comes into the kitchen and gets a big ol' napkin. I asked her if she had spilled a little milk and she sweetly said "YEAH, JUST A little..." I took the napkin from her so she can eat while I cleaned it up when I see that her milk cup was almost empty and there was a huge puddle of milk right in the middle of the table. WTF?? HOW in the world is that a "little"!!!??? To top it all off, the homework that was supposed to be put in her backpack last night got a "little" wet from the spill because it wasn't put away! OHMYGAWD....

Next was Lazyass sporting the iPod touch that she got for Christmas and her earphones on. She couldn't find a bowl and I told her they were dirty but to look in the cabinet intending for her to use one of the old bowls we still have up there. I turn around and she had poured an envelope of strawberry oatmeal into a big ass serving bowl that looked like a trough!!! I asked her what the hell was she thinking, and pointed to the other ones I meant for her to use! Apparently the stupid clouded her vision because she STILL didn't notice them until I pulled one out! I poured the contents of the other bowl into the new smaller one. I put the trough over her face and asked "SERIOUSLY?? You were going to use this thing that's bigger than your head!?" She just looked at me with a blank look on her face and said "I THOUGHT THAT'S THE ONE YOU MEANT." Oh lord help me...

For 5 day's now I have been tending to two sick kids. Badass still doesn't feel good. He has had a cough and a fever that comes and goes. My poor baby... Luckily he's been too sick to be true to his name despite the fact that he keeps shoving his foot in my face telling me to SMELL IT TOES!!! And when I don't he likes to shove his foot down the front of my shirt. I don't get it but I just roll my eyes and dismiss it because he's sick. Smartass has been testing my patience along with the other two who came down with the STUPID. I know she's 17 but I have low tolerance for huffing and puffing.

My children are extremely lucky we have lost all the foam bullets for the Nerf guns during our shootouts and that I never got the super duper big one with the belt straps that I wanted for Christmas so I can look like Pancho Villa. The husband thinks i'm stupid that I have this image in my head of laying in the prone position on the balcony above the garage. I would even go to the extreme of wearing some sort of camoflauge blanket over me so I don't get spotted. When the kids get home from school I would stand up and empty my clips and yell like Sylvester Stallone in RAMBO!!! "AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!!!!!" You guys have your dreams, I have mine.

Anyway, if I did have my ideal Nerf gun with a clip I would line up my kids when they got on my nerves and go at it like one of those carnival games with the ducks. I would sit on the couch as they take a few steps to the left and can't change direction until I hit them! The game would go on until I ran out of foam bullets or until I got bored.... ((sigh)) And don't you dare judge me, that is a far better alternative to some of these stupid parent's who are abusive and beat the shit out of their kids!!! Don't even get me started about what I think those parent's deserve because it may be used against me in a court of law!!! With that said, go on and get your Nerf guns, you know you wanna!!! NERF FUN FOR EVERYONE!!!

I love my kids to death but I have a feeling they are also going to be the death of me. Since the husband has banned any other children from ever coming out of my womb, I think he should get me some Minions like the ones from Dispicable Me. My absolute favorite is the one that Edith accuses of making a big ol' mess and he's all "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" So adorable!!! If I had a Minion for each kid that we have I think I would be more of a pleasure to be around! If the kids come down with the STUPID or worse, the IDONTWANNA, you can send them to their room and bring out the Minion!!! They're cute and funny and will do WHATEVER you ask them to do without question! If your lucky you can even have them do a performance of COPA CABANA!!! I heart Minions...

Anyway, I have to go now, Badass just stepped on his toy airplane and yelled "AAAUGH, STUPID THING!"... ((sigh))

One thing for sure... my job is never dull...