HOARDERS: Automotive Edition

I know I have touched on the subject before, but today I absolutely had to keep my gag reflex in check!!! I have played a game or two of "WHAT'S THAT SMELL" while in my car. Usually, it's still that faint mix of Simple Green, Spaghetti and vomit from 6 years ago.. Makes your mouth water doesn't it??? Other times its the more powerful leftover smells of bringing home McDonalds the night before mixed with stinky feet, funky ass and sweaty kids who have been running around at school all day. Then there's all that crap that sticks and hides. I had everything from candy, hair clips, one single solitary freaking block, soda that has been spilled onto the carpet and somehow splattered on my freaking ceiling AND under the BACK of the passenger seat, goldfish crackers remains, wrappers, lollipop sticks, DVD's, enough water bottles to sustain a small village in Africa for a month, my childhood dog, my neighbors mail and OH- can someone please tell me how in the fuck did green paint end up in the back seat cup holder??? SERIOUSLY!!!???

Despite the fact that I've been sick for the 11th eff'ing day AND that the husband was tired as all hell, we cleaned the fuck outta my car!!! And by cleaning I mean, we took out the middle bench seat of my minivan (I like to refer to it as my MILFmobile) and cleaned the SHIT out of it!!! I had to whip out ALL industrial strength cleaners, GooGone, Windex, OxyClean, bathroom cleaners, shampoo's, fabric softeners, Clorox wipes, deodorant spray's, Dyson vaccums and steam cleaner with lavender scented cleaner for the carpets AND bench seat- cuz all that shit was NAAAAASTY!!! Okay, so I NEVER ever sit in the back seats of my car. I have no reason to because i'm usually the one driving the fucking thing. So all that weird shit stuck to the seats, the carpets, the cup holders, the shit on the ceiling and the nasty ass brown crap that got sucked out of the carpets that made me want to fucking vomit is ALLLLL my kids!!!

HOW THE FUCK!!!??? Seriously. My CAR should be the beginning of a new show,

 HOARDERS: AUTOMOTIVE EDITION

because apparently my kids were saving that gawdamn french fry for a rainy day...

For those who don't have a minivan, FUCK YOU, i'm totally jealous!!! But for those who do, if you are able to take out any of your seats, theres this metal ditch like thing where you attatch the seats. We had to soak ALL four of those bastards in like an inch of GooGone for about 15 minutes to get some of it to BARELY budge! You know it's bad when you have to ask your husband to hand you a chisel and a hammer to get out the fossils of a damn HERSHEY KISS ribbon, a penny, beads, bobby pins, a rock and for some fucking reason, things that resembled either raisins, cranberries or maybe a freaking roach (i'm not sure cuz I was too scared to examine it)!!! ALL this, of course, fused together with soda, candy, my blood, my tears... I would of taken before and after pictures to post but, I actually WOULD like to keep any and all of my followers and my broke ass doesn't particularly want to get sued for anyone's therapy bills for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder you may have develped after viewing the images that will forever be burned into my OWN head!!! As I was sitting there chiseling away at the funk in my car I couldn't help but wonder if I could make small pictures like they did on the walls of Mayan Temples. Maybe I can carve out a little stick figure with two circles for boobs and 2 long lines for my hair. I would even carve one out with 3 legs to represent my husband *wink wink* . I would put them at the bottom of a cliff buried under the rubble of giant gold fish crackers with 4 devil spawn pointing and laughing from the cliff above.... Nah, sounds like too much work.


Since I decided to spare you the visuals, I decided it is only fair that I try my hardest to give you an idea of the lovely smells and mental images!!! I just want to be able to connect to my audience and to make you feel like you were ACTUALLY there with us!!!

When we were done with steam cleaning the bench seat and the carpets in the car, which still had heavy stains but I got the majority of it out- It looked like fucking mud. EEEEEEEEEW!!!!!!! My husband came into the house to show me the crap collecting container- cuz we're sick like that and like to share disgusting things so we can ooh and aaaah over them. We dumped the dirty water in the toilet since walking out to dump it in the rocks out front made too much sense. It made my toilet look like a black bottom port-a-potty.... Again.... HOW THE FUUUUUUCK!!!???

It's a good thing I'm married because if I WASN'T, and I had to try and win a man over with my decomposing MILFmobile, I would be single for like, EVERRRR!!!!

I can't wait til' the day all the kids grow up and I can ditch the eyesore of a car that I have and get myself a sleek convertible 2 seater!!! I would rip out the second seat and would't even let the husband in it! I would sit in the car. I would sleep in my car. I would talk dirty to it and totally make out with it!!! I would love my car til death do us part. I would totally turn into the old movie Christine only, mine would be a guy and he would hate kids, not potential mates!!!

Moral of the story: If you have more than one kid or were drunk enough to have 4, CHECK YOUR CAR!!!! Whatever you have in there may one day come to life eat you alive or potentially make you rich because you discovered the proper chemical combination to cure whatever it is that makes stay-at-home mom's lose their fucking minds!!!