Stupid people at the mall...

I was at the mall yesterday. I was watching two of my kids run around in the play area while the husband and one of our other kids took off to exchange some stuff. Sometimes these play areas are so gross they almost look like you should get a tetanus shot upon arrival!!!

PARENTS:

INSERT COIN IN SLOT
OPEN CUBBY AND ADMINISTER TETANUS SHOT TO CHILD
PLACE EMPTY SYRINGE IN HAZARDOUS WASTE RECEPTACLE
PLACE CHILD'S SHOES IN CUBBY
ENJOY THE PLAY AREA AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

But, I suppose this one is decent. There ain't shit for kids to do than climb on a couple of fiberglass animals and run around. Pregnant moms looked cute making my womb strings tug. Then I heard my kids screaming reminding me why I would love nothing more than to take a wire hanger and rip out my entire reproductive system without medication!!! Then there's the "other people's kids". The ones whose parents have no freaking clue what's going on because they're in a heated conversation with their friend not realizing their kid is half way to the Angry Birds kiosk! ...

"HEY LADY, GO GET YOUR DAMN KID BEFORE SOMEONE STEALS 'EM!!! ... And while your at it, get me the Angry Birds backpack as a reward for saving your precious little rugrat!!!"

Some of these kids can be so cute! I like to ooh and ahhhh at the cute ones with the cute outfits that their loving moms put together. The little boys with their spiky gelled hair or the frilly little girls with their perfect little pigtails. They are just so cute you wanna run up and give them a big ol' hug, but you don't because you don't want someone to call security and have them escort out the creepy lady who must of rented the two kids she has with her because they don't look ANYTHING like her and for some reason she keeps hugging all the kids!!!

You know what kind of people I hate at the mall? I HATE moms who go out with their nails all done, not a hair out of place, make-up looks professionally done and their outfit costs so much it makes my asshole twitch! Meanwhile, their kid is walking next to them with their beat up Crocs, no socks, legs are so dry their dying for some lotion, clothes dont match, hair is all ratty and they got so much snot on their face it makes you wanna reach over and clean their face with their moms Coach purse scarf!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT!!!???

Rule of thumb: Always have your kids look better or as equally as you when you go out or else people (me) will talk shit about what a selfish bitch you are...

Anyway, there I am, watching my kids run around like goofballs. They're so cute! But why does there ALWAYS have to be an older kid that either pushes his way past kids, knocking them over as HE or SHE tries to get on the slide before anyone else? Then he has to run around and be FASTER than everyone else. Then he has to just CLIMB better than anyone else on the shit he shouldn't be allowed to climb on because he's like 3 years too old and 1 foot taller than anyone else, but his mom is busy fucking around on her phone to see that her angel is actually being a little shit!!?? Kids like that just make me wanna trip them! Don't get me wrong, when my own kids act like retards and pretend they dont' hear me when I tell them to stop running around, I literally tell them they better knock it off or imma trip them, so see, I'M FAIR!!! But right then at the mall... I could just "casually" stretch my leg out at the right moment and see that kid face plant onto the shitty carpet that gives him rug burn on his chin and his forehead! Then I can say

 "OMG KID, WHAT HAPPENED!?" And yes, I would totally blame it on the kid and tell his mom he was running full speed and he must of tripped over his own feet because he was going to fast and THAT's why he ate shit!

"I HOPE HE'S OKAY!" ...No I don't. Annoying little shit... THAT'S what you get...

His mom would believe me too, because instead of paying attention to her little "angel", she was neglecting him and facebooking about how she did NOT want to be in the play area but hit up Charlotte Russe for some new slutty clothes to go to the club this weekend. Stupid lady...

Instead of doing shit like that she should be a caring mom like me. One that makes sure my kids look cute when we head out the house even if I don't. One that puts her kids first and lets them run around instead of shopping. Granted I HATE shopping but we won't get into that right now... One that believes in multi-tasking by keeping an eye on my kids AND starts blogging about stupid people at the mall at the same time!!!

Then there's the women who, are a little "too" proud of their assets... uh... it's the mall. Your not at the club trying to get someone to come home with you so can you please tuck in your nipples and cover up the cottage cheese on your ass? I can feel my orange chicken coming up!!! And you over there- you REALLY have no business wearing those skinny jeans. Half of your stomach is hanging over and your muffin top happens to be TEXAS SIZED! You seriously look like the Kool-Aid man. OMG OMG COULD YOU PLEASE SAY "OOOHH YEAAAAAH" like he does before you bust through the Victoria's Secret doors????

Another group of people I totally FREAKING hate at the mall??? THE KIOSK PEOPLE!!! They don't have a real job so they have to try to sell you their shit from the stupid little wooden getup they have to stand at for 8 hours so they can make sales and commission.

Verizon guy: "HEY, WHAT KINDA PHONE YOU GOT THERE?"

Me: "NOT ONE OF YOURS"

And I walk away...

$80 hair curler girl: "CAN YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW EASY IT IS TO CURL YOUR HAIR?"

Me: "I HAVE FOUR KIDS WITH ME, DO I "LOOK" LIKE I CAN GO OVER THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT SO YOU CAN CURL MY HAIR!!??"

And I walk away...

Green Nicotine guy: "HEY, DO YOU SMOKE?"

Me: "I HAVE FOUR KIDS, DRINKING IS WHAT I DO!"
(okay, so I didn't really say that, I just stared at him like he's an idiot and walked away)

T-mobile guy: "HEY, WHAT KINDA PHONE YOU GOT THERE?"

Me: "IF I WANTED ONE OF YOUR DAMN PHONES I WOULD GO TO YOUR BOOTH!"

And I walk away...


Perfume lady: "WOULD YOU LIKE A SAMPLE?"
Me: (confused as I look at her in her boob revealing top and short skirt with tall boots) "OF WHAT??? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY LEGALIZED PROSTITUTION???"

Okay I didn't tell the perfume hooker that last tidbit but we've ALL wanted to!!! Lucky for her I liked the perfume and didn't care that the husband was practically drooling over her. Maybe for Valentines day he can get me some of that perfume. I'm sure he will be MORE THAN HAPPY to go get it for me!!!!