To PMS or to NOT PMS...

After 36 years on this planet, who would of thunk that I would spend my weekend nights with a boy who continuously asks for encore performances of "This Little Piggy" on his toes. His favorite piggy is the one who "had noooooooone". But then he squeals and wiggles when the last little piggy tickles the bottom of his foot and goes WEE WEE WEE all the way up to his armpit! I told my husband he's too old for that shit but he just doesn't care. HAHAHA!!! Oh my gawd i'm totally kidding- I didn't tell him that, he already knows... In case you didn't get that last part- it was my SON I was playing with, NOT the husband!!!

Another fun and exciting thing I did Friday night was biting my nails at a Disney show to find out who would be the family wizard and got teary eyed when the oldest brother stopped being a douche and let's his little sister stake the claim since she was the rightful one for the title. I'm such an asshole because when the kids walked out of the room for whatever reason, I didn't even "pause" the show for them because I wanted to hurry up and get to the end!!! DON'T JUDGE ME!!!

Maybe it's the combination of bleach and Pinesol that fucked with my brain cells (or the lack there OF) when I had to clean my tile floors twice yesterday. YES twice. I hate our shitty mop. Please feel free to suggest one for me because after mopping the entire downstairs I had to go back and do it by hand!!! I felt like fucken Cinderella scrubbing the stupid floors with rags. Granted I grew up "mopping" the floors like that when I was young, but we also had like 6 feet of linoleum in our house. Now I have almost my entire downstairs with tile that has stupid creases and crap that sticks into the grout! That's some bullshit!!!

Wait, what was I getting at? OOOOHhh yeah.... It must of been the fumes from the cleaning products or something else that caused me to act all sensitive-like with the TV show because I totally cannot be PMSing. Although, I did have cramps yesterday morning which I dismissed at the time for pains that my 7 year old must have been passing on to me. When I told the husband that my tummy hurt, he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up some Midol. He knows how much I fucking HATE taking Midol when I am indeed showing "some" signs of pre-menstrual syndrome. It just does NOT work for me. Since I was ONLY having some mild stomach pains I nicely replied that Yes, yes he COULD get them for me and then do me the favor of shoving them up his ass!!! I am NOT PMSing....

While Facebooking and texting some friends last night I realized something... I COMPLETELY forgot I was supposed do a long run this morning!!! Here I was thinking It's Saturday tomorrow!!! Yay! I don't have to wake up at half crack monkey's ass, quarter past his balls!!! Fucken reality. In case your unaware, I happen to be training to do a Half-Marathon. And you did read that right, I said "DO"! Not run. Not walk. Not speedwalk- "DO". Because I don't care HOW he hell I do it - I intend on FINISHING the damn thing! Pretty ambitious for someone who just started getting serious about her training to "DO" 13.1 miles at the beginning of last month, took a 10 day vacation and just got back into the swing of things! Who cares. I never claimed to be sane so don't go accusing me of being that way!!!

During my 8.5 mile run this morning I had an A.D.D moment... My mind started wandering despite the fact that EMINEM was telling me I had to JUST LOSE IT AAAAAAH AAAAAH AAAAAH AAAH AAH!!! JUST LOSE IT AAAAAAH AAAAAH AAAAAH AAAH AAH!!! I was remembering about telling the husband to shove the anti-bitch pills up his ass. Although it IS possible to do stuff like that, I started to feel guilty for telling him that. Then I realized, they're not really "anti-bitch" because if they were, I would have to start taking them everyday with a multi-vitamin and a glass of strawberry milk. Then I thought, he always brings up stupid Midol around this time of the month and I got mad! I realized that he was right and I HATE when he's right! I AM indeed PMSing but he CAN'T know that!!! At least not now. It needs to be in the form of an ambush! I need to do some recon. Find out when would be the best time to unload a big bag of BITCH on him!!! WAIT? Is that David Guetta singing in my ears??? AW YEAH!!! I started to run like I was the SHIZNIT!!! "YEAH SHE'S A SEXY BITCH, A SEXY BITCH!" FUCK YEAH i'm a Sexy Bitch!!! I'm running like i'm in a Nike commercial and although I had my hair pulled back in a ponytail and wearing a baseball hat, I started swaying my head like I was in a Victorias Secret commercial with a shitload of fans blasting my hair in all sorts of slow motion directions! Then I wanted to cry. Eventhough I was feeling freakin awesome while running, I realized I was NOT a sexy bitch. I was getting bored and sweaty and gross. And quite frankly, I really fucken wanted a slice of Ghiradelli Chocolate Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory!!!

I still maintain i'm not PMSing. I like living in the land of Denial! It's fun here! Nevermind that I got snappy with the husband and the kids. I think I even handled myself well after my son threw a roll of "potty stickers" at me while sitting on there so I can give him a Lightning McQueen and Mater to match his Pull-Ups! That little fucker! How dare he throw stupid stickers at me! How about learning to put the shit and the piss IN the potty and earn that damn sticker the RIGHT way!!! Just for that stunt, I may not let him use my iPod or my phone anymore to watch Netflix while on the shitter... Take THAT!!!!