Happy Nervous Break Down!!!

Happy Nervous Breakdowns EVERYONE!!!!

I hope everyone is enjoying their new year!!! Can you believe it's 2014??? I've already had to write a check and was about to cry at the cash register because I couldn't remember what year to put after 1/1/??!!!

So far this year my grandma has given me nervous twitches with coinciding shoulder spasms that make me appear as one of Michael Jackson's back-up dancers on Thriller. My son BADASS has given me some teeth grinding/nose flaring/face palm moments in which to test my use of the word PATIENCE. My youngest daughter has turned 9 and has decided to slowly come out of her shell and start shedding her name KISSASS and experimenting with a more teeny boppery "I WANT MY MOM TO BEAT MY ASS AND I WOULD BE LUCKY IF SHE DOESN'T"... "LUCKYASS" for short...

My 13 year old has also decided to be one of those "rebellious teens" and change her name to "I WANT MY MOM TO WHOOP MY ASS TIL IT FALLS OFF AND THEN NAIL IT TO A FUCKING WALL".... Silly girl- I'll just refer to her as "WHOOPASS" for short...

My oldest who has decided to marry the U.S. Government and is now in the military will still be referred to as SMARTASS or maybe even on occasion a SMARTASS AIRMAN.... 

Hubby still holds true to his name as well and continues to be a PAIN IN MY ASS....

I, however, am no longer wanting to be referred to as Brenda. I'm actually toying with the idea of "TWITCHY" or maybe even pay a homage to the Indian reservation our community was built on but also wanted it to have my children's influence in it and go by "LOSE MY SHIT"... It kinda has a bit of a Native Americanish tone to it, dontcha' think??? 

So far this year my kids have been absolutely thoughtful children. Seeing as I don't get out much, they have decided to bring the OUTSIDE "in" to me. They have collectively decided that this year I should test my limit when it comes to experimenting with a term they use in the animal kingdom as - CANNIBLISM. This is a term that is normally referred to in the animal world when talking about "survival of the fittest". It is also used by some maternal figures when they eat their young- usually the weakest link, in order to survive......

Now- my kids are not weak in the slightest bit. As a matter of fact my teenager is SOOOOO fucken book smart that somehow she seems to leave her fucking brain on the school campus because when she walks in my front door, all traces of common sense has somehow escaped her body. The person who enters the home is not the same kid. Direct AND specific orders may be given to this child if you want something done. Engaging in a conversation with said child is not recommended but understandably necessary at times. If you do attempt to talk to her with the expectation of a response, prepare to get these big ass brown eyes staring right back at you filled with confusion, a bit of emptiness and a touch of boredom and contempt. You will get an overwhelming feeling to want to rush and get through this as quickly and painless as humanly possible. It actually reminds me of that dumbass look that Dora the Explorer gives you at the end of her shows - the one that makes you want to reach into the TV and smack the shit out of her! 

Now, when my oldest was going through her TEEN YEARS, I admit- just like every other parent out there, it was damn HARD. We bumped heads more times than I could count. I too considered the cost of throwing her ass into a cardboard box and shipping her off to a random address in the Philippines and HOPING that by some off chance, she landed at someone's house that she was related to! Keep in mind that I am a GREAT mother and never ACTUALLY followed through and NEVER EVER would have...... She was too big. It was too expensive.....

Besides- there is no way in hell I could have EVER given up the right to reign as the Supreme Mother of the 4 Devil Spawn!!!! No way no how! 

Yet somehow the teen has been trying to knock me off my thrown. You see- she is the absolute CLONE of my husband. She looks like him, is taller like him, is smart like him and especially shares a sense of HUMOR like him...... 

Example:

One night we were having a spaghetti dinner with home made spaghetti sauce.  

Husband says to me...

Husband: I don't know if it will make a difference but I added another clove of garlic even though it says 2....

Me: That's fine, I believe we've put in like 3 or 4 when we've made it in the past anyway.

Husband: You don't know what your talking about, you're Mexican. You don't know a thing about making Spaghetti sauce....

WHOOPASS: Yeah mom, stick to making burritos....

Pain in my Ass laughed for about 5 minutes straight..... My eye and hand twitched for about 10.....

The other night we were sitting around watching a movie. In the beginning the book worm decides to spill all the minor details she's noticing that she HATES cuz it's different from the book. I tell her how there are ALWAYS going to be differences, that's just the way it goes and to knock it off, I WANNA WATCH THE MOVIE. It gets annoying enough for even the husband to tell her we would turn it off if she doesn't stop. 

Later the husband goes to the restroom and WHOOPAS is eating popcorn so fast and nervously, she finally burst and asks 

WHOOPASS: "SINCE DAD IS IN THE BATHROOM CAN I JUST TELL YOU A FEW THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY BUGGING ME BUT I NEED TO LET THEM OUT BEFORE I EXPLODE?"

Me: Fine...

WHOOPASS: ((blah blah blah this that and the other X Y X and 1 2 3 and OMG THAT IS SO DUMB and yadda yadda yadda more crap here....))

Husband: ((enters the room, let's her continue as we watch the movie. Now HE decides to point shit out too..))

Me: OH MY GAAAAWD! Alright, already, let us watch the movie!!! 

Husband&WHOOPASS: ((continue continue annoy annoy, laugh hysterically, keep at it, working on my last nerve))

Me: ((I lose it and tell them to)) OH MY GAAAWD- PUHLEEEEEEZE SHUT UUUUUUUP!!!

Husband: ((loves how mad I am and laughs his ass off WHOOPASS joins in with the cackles))

Me: Flip off the husband. Flip off the teen....

Hell fucking yes I flipped off the teenager for the first time EVER as opposed to jumpin on her like a rabid spider monkey and losing my shit completely!!!! 

AM I PROUD OF IT!? No... 

But I AM PROUD that I did not get arrested for practicing cannibalism since it is technically "illegal" in the human world and frowned upon in a court of law..... 

I swear- these kids have made me feel like the rapper DMX in need of institutionalization... I have lost count how many times I've ever walked around aimlessly singing in my head.... 

From my Coocoo's nest to yours- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

Ode to a military mom... well, sort of

 

 

So, I have been known to bitch about my kids on "occasion"... okay, maybe a lot more than the average person because if i don't, i might just lose my shit!!! Last week we received our first letter from the teen who happens to be in the Air Force BMT. It was nice to read that she was doing well, had a few mishaps (a bird shit on her bag upon getting off the bus and getting yelled at to get in formation!) but was having fun with it. She endearingly described the assistant TI as pretty woman who's "kinda mean" and said one day she wanted to be just like her! How is it that THAT made me proud??? Lol!!

As much as I can bitch about the ins and outs and ups and downs of motherhood, you might be surprised to know that I also have a sensitive side. It's hidden somewhere behind my spleen i have been told...

Here's a bit of an insight inside a mom's head. Usually I have a million things running around through it that i'm surprised it hasn't exploded or just flat off rolled off my shoulders. But in this case, I've been side tracked with one thing... my kid. Now, my mom might read this and cry like an idiot but that's okay. I know she went through something like this when my oldest brother moved to San Francisco when he turned 21.


Yesterday we received our first official phone call from Smartass. I just about fell apart when I heard my husband say she was on the phone and she was crying. OH NO!!!!! It was a bittersweet phone call. I tried not to cry when I was talking to her, although I bawled like an idiot as soon as I could and tried hard to mask it the rest of the night. I even asked "What happened to the girl who said she was having fun and hadn't felt the need to cry yet?" Well she said she just misssed everyone and everyone's voices. I felt my chest cave in. Poor kid is homesick. She has been away on vacation, she even went to 6th grade camp, but she's never really been without family. I know she's fine. As i've mentioned to people, it's not like she went to the east coast on her own to try and find a job and a home and a way to live. She has a roof over her head, 3 square meals a day and she's supervised. I've been made fun of and teased and even the kid herself made a comment as "i'm not dying i'm going to boot camp"....

 

Maybe it's a "mom" thing, i'm not sure. But I can't tell you how many times i've gone through my day's fighting tears from streaming. I know she's doing well and will continue to do well, but the thing that got me crying as I was explaing to a friend- IT'S THE KNOWING THAT AS SOON AS SHE LEFT, I WAS GOING TO GO FROM HAVING HER NEAR ME EVERY DAY, TO ONLY BEING ABLE TO SEE HER A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR AT BEST... that's the part that hurts. I get the whole "joking around to distract" but it's not what I want and definitely not what I want to hear. What I need is comfort. To know that i'm not the only one that has a little bit of crazy in them. To know that there are other people in the same shit boat i'm floating around aimlessly on. Luckily I found a FB page connecting me with other mom's who seem to feel this weirdness that no one else seems to understand. We may sound whiney to some people, psychotic or unstable, but as I said.... maybe it's a mom thing.

 

 

Yes she would piss me off on many occasions. Made me want to smack her upside the head for being a smartass, disrespectul, rude, self-righteous, selfish, rude, mean and all the other stupid shit that kids do. But in the end, she's mine. I gave her life. I feel the seperation anxiety ripping through me and there is nothing that I can do to mend it becuase in the end, she isn't coming back. She's signed up or 6 years. I will be proud of her, of course, as I am already. I will support her decision and hope that everything goes well for her in this chapter of her life. But that doesn't erase the fact that she's gone. No longer will I hear her come home from work. No longer will I have someone to yell at for forgetting to empty the dishwasher. No longer will I have someone to tell me that my shirt looks too slutty. No longer will I wake her ass up at noon. No longer will I have someone to tell that her car is parked too close to the drive way and she needs to move it or I'm going to hit it when I pull out my MILFMobile....

 

I like to think that we raised her well. Yes she had her faults but I like to think that if she wasn't as well adjusted as she is, she wouldn't of had the courage to take such a big leap knowing she has her entire family supporting her. As a mom I showed her that you don't need to wait for "dad" to be around to do road trips, I showed her how to write a check, how to address an envelope correctly, how to clean toilets and though she liked the finer things in life, I tried to teach her not to be superficial but appreciative for the things that truely matter. The hardest thing i've ever had to do aside from pushing a 7lb11oz pound kid out of my vagina without an epidural has got to be giving your child wings and allowing them the freedom to fly and live their life as they see fit.... Hopefully the wings she chose to fly with are strong enough to carry her safely through life and have no regrets!!! God speed Smartass and please don't get yourself kicked out!!!

Love, Mom

Once upon a time there was a stupid girl...

 

 

Once upon a time there was a stupid 18 year old girl who got herself pregnant by an idiot boy. Back then there wasn't text messaging so she had to tell her parent's face to face, all by herself. The idiot boy with Peter Pan syndrome who never wanted (or did) grow up was almost immediately of the picture. The girl had a BEAUTIFUL little baby girl who ended up looking and acting a lot like that idiot boy. Regardless, the mom loved her baby...

 

 

  

As she grew older the mom realized more and more when people say they understand WHY animals eat their young... HOLY SHIT did that kid drive her up the fucken wall!!! Regardless, she was determined to be the best mom as possible. Yes the thought crossed her mind on occasion to just slap a post it note on her forehead and drop her off at grandma's house, but she figured that might be "frowned upon"....

Years, a husband and 3 kids later the mom was a hot mess... She had 3 daughters who couldn't be any more different from eachother and tested her nerves on a daily basis. She also had a son that made her WANT to be an alcoholic but unfortunately she couldn't really afford it... Well, she COULD but she thought the husband might "frown upon" her feeding the kids Kool-Aid and Top Ramen week after week... whatever...

One day the oldest daughter turned 18. The mom was nervous but greatful that she didn't have a boyfriend. Though she was the best thing that ever happened to her at that age, the mom did NOT want her daughter to have the same fate. I mean, she had enough trouble remembering to put away the dishes in the dishwasher, how could she ever tend to a kid! One day the kid decided she wanted to join the military. And- she was going to leave in 4 months...

HOLY SHIT!!! 4 months just didn't seem like that much time! As proud as the parent's were, the mom was in panic mode!!! HOW THE HELL COULD SHE LEAVE!!!??? AFTER ALL THE SHIT SHE EVER DID FOR HER, HOW CAN SHE JUST LEAVE!!?? Okay, so she's doing it for all the right reasons and she's "legally" an adult- although her frame of mind can be something i'd question.

Just as usual, the girl pissed off the mom and dad here and there to the point where the mom wanted to beat the living shit out of her sometimes. Sometimes she would even think OMG WHY CAN'T SHE LEAVE NOW SO THEY CAN TEACH HER SOME GAWDAMN RESPECT!? But in the end, her heart hurt thinking that once she leaves, it mean that she will only see her a few times a year at most. GAWDAMNIT!!!

All the headaches, all the heartaches, all the back talking, all the times the kid would hurt her feelings, all the times the kid would do whatever she wanted, all the times the mom wanted to slap that disrespectful little shit but held back, all the times she was frustrated as all hell that all she could do was cry is now strangely "cherished"... it makes her smile remembering how not too long ago she wanted to beat her 18 year old self-righteous ass, only to feel empty inside when she knew she was no longer HERE....

 

 

When good girls go bad!!!

Riddle me THIS....

If someone was going to fuck you in the ass with a cactus, fuck with your livelihood, threaten your family life, your way of living, your credit, your job.... would you do ANYTHING YOU CAN to help your family???

Now what if it was out of your control and it was your government????

A long time ago I watched this wonderful documentary called The Client List. It was a very infomative show about how a woman who was broke as all hell decided to get a job to help her family and when the job required her to prostitute herself, she sucked up her pride and did what she had to do....

So now that me and my friends are facing a possible 40% cut in our household income, some are toying with the idea of becoming strippers and giving hand jobs in the grocery store parking lot to get a gallon of fucking milk!!!!! I know one thing for sure, we would have to hit up Old People Wednesday's since they will actually HAVE an income, fixed, maybe, but an income nonetheless!!!!

PSSSSSST...... HEY GEEZER, let the wifey get your supplements, want me to rub one out for you in the meantime? I need gas money!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!! HOW FUCKING HORRIBLE WOULD THAT BE!!!???

aw screw it... I'll just get some hand sanitizer at Costco and stock up on latex gloves....

I'm sorry, but, I have MORALS gawdamnit!!!!!!!! A verbal filter I do NOT have, but morals do exist!!! BUT anyone who say's they would NEVER stoop to that level-

 

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, YOUR SO FULL OF SHIT!!!!!!!

 

 

 

When you are trained for NOTHING, have no college degree, people are fighting for shitty paying jobs, and your husband is about to get disgusting pay cut, you cannot tell me you would not consider spinning around the pole for $100/hr!!!! Hell, I'd even do lap dances if it means getting an extra $20!!!! And c'mon, find a good friend, and BAM!!! Bachelor parties!!!!!!!! Maybe even a little touchy touchy can get you a $50!!!!! And spare me your little "OMG I WOULD NEVERRRRRRR" speech because if you had to get a little slap on the ass for some dough to get dinner on your table for a couple of day's... YOU WOULD STICK THAT ASS ALL UP IN THEIR FACE AND TRY AND GET A BENJAMIN!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

One thing for sure I need to work on my upper body strength... I've seen videos on some of the shit these pole dances do and I would totally fall flat on my mother fucking face if I was told to clench my legs around that fucker to show how strong I am!!!! I would NOT look all graceful like some Cirque du Soleil professional and totally NOT look sexy!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would look like an animal that got caught in a bear trap and is trying to escape!!! PLUS- i'm scared of heights!!!! I'm only 5 foot 1 and anything higher than that would make me feel like i'm crashing down!!! Well one thing for sure I won't need any lip injections to have the voluptious sexy lip look because I would have face planted on the damn floor enough to not need that shit- EVERRRRRRR!!!!!

 

 

Well in the meantime i'm going to work on finishing this 10 week challenge that i'm 5 weeks behind on, try and win some fucking money before I'm forced to hit the pole!!! At least I will look fucking hot and guarantee myself a spot on the A group so that I can make some big bills not get quarters thrown at me!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 



Teens can be hazardous to your health

YES YES YES, i know it's been way too long since i've been on here bitching and complaining about all the insanity the kids drive me to but I promise you I wouldn't of been gone if I didn't have a very good reason...

The kids drove me to the state of Insanity and literally threw me the fuck out the car without stopping!!! Mind you the Teen was driving so HELL NO she wasn't going to stop!!! Is it horrible that I can't wait til' she turns 18 so I can call her a bitch and not look like a shitty mom?

WHATEVER DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!

Okay so i'm going to take baby steps... I've had a whirlwind of shit to share but I don't even know where to begin... so, i'm going to begin at the most recent...

MY KID is going to be a student at the local community college. I seriously have no FUCKING idea how the hell she graduated with some of the shit that she concocts in her head but either way, she will soon be a slave to The Man.... Last night while walking by her room I decided to ask her when she was starting school since I had no fucking idea. I was assuming this was top secret G-14 classified information BUT I thought, what the hell, it would be good for me to know... So I walk in, make a witty remark in which we both cackle together while hugging eachother in laughter... oh shit, nevermind...

Loreli and Rory Gilmore we are NOT.....

Me: "HEY, SO, UH, WHEN DO YOU START SCHOOL?"

Teen: "THE 22ND, I SWEAR I TOLD YOU"...

uh.. no she didn't...

Me: "UH, NO YOU DIDN'T. WHATEVER, HAVE YOU PAID FOR YOUR CLASSES OR DO YOU AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE AMOUNT IS THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY?"

(Mind you, MONTHS ago, she had mentioned it would be like $800 not including books per semester. SINCE then, me and the husband have been telling her to save her money and stop spending it like nothing so she can help pay for school... She would roll her eyes and pretty much "whatevered" us... Same general reaction when we told her all senior year about applying for scholarships, which, incidentally- she never did)

Here I am waiting to hear something in the $700 dollar range more or less and she busts out with...

Teen: "I HAVEN'T PAID BECAUSE I'M STILL WAITING FOR FINANCIAL AID TO COME THROUGH TO MY ACCOUNT NEXT MONTH AND THEN I'LL KNOW FOR SURE BUT FOR NOW, IT'S LIKE FOUR THOUSAND SOMETHING..." and continues texting her friend not lifting her head as if it's no big deal....

Fighting EVERY fucking urge in my body to walk across the room, snatch her phone and shatter it against the wall I calmly say

Me: "FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!??? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EIGHT HUNDERED???!!!"

Still not picking up her head she says in a matter-of-fact voice....

Teen: "I SAID IT WOULD BE $800 FOR BOOKS".......

I walk over, smack the phone out of her hand and shake the SHIT out of her as if she was some sort of human piggy bank and $4000 was going to fall out of her ass!!!!!!!!!

OKAY OKAY PUT THE DAMN PHONE DOWN AND STOP TRYING TO CALL CPS- I totally didn't but I TOTALLY WANTED TO!!!!!!! Instead I told her that I guess texting is more important than talking about this school shit with me and walked away hyperventilating and not knowing if it was because she must be borderline retarded or because I'm trying to figure out how many fucken John's i'm going to have to whore myself to in order to put ALL 4 of my kids through school!!!!!!!!

As it turned out, I contacted one of MY friends and got an estimate on how much HER son was going to pay this semester at the same fucken school and she said roughly $1000!!! ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!! Uh... let's do the math here.... roughly $1000 sounds an aweful close to the $800 she originally told us instead of the $4500 she was going to just bow down and fucken pay to the damn school!!!!!!!!!!! Turns out these fuckers had her down as having to pay out of state tuition and registration... MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever... In the meantime, I'm going to be nursing a teenage caused migraine at a 2 hour cheerleading practice for 2 of my girls while trying to chase after my 3 year old Badass in a football field that I HOPE we don't get monsooned on........ I will be the one rocking back and fourth hugging myself rockin' a brand new hair-do!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!!

Hugs and cheers and screams could be heard throughout the house as all the greatful children can be heard loudly showing their appreciation to the woman who does EVERYTHING for them without question - simply because she loves them. They squeeze extra hard and give her a soft WAY TO GO MOM punch on the shoulder for all the times she came to the rescue and brought you your school ID because you forgot it in your room, for bringing you your homework to school because you forgot it on the couch, for bringing you your cross country uniform because you forgot it in the dryer and you have a meet that afternoon, for allowing you to sleep in her bed at night despite the fact that you wake her up at crack ass in the morning and slap her, kick her and hog the bed all night despite the fact that you are a small human being who say's he's "scared" to sleep in his room....

REALITY CHECK!!!!!

..... I think I should of gotten THIS card for Mother's Day.....

I don't know about you, but HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY doesn't mean SHIT in this household!!! I HEAR the words but they hold NO meaning!!!!!!! I'm better off Netflixing an old Cosby Show episode where Claire might be getting the full queen treatment complete with a tiara, manicures, pedicures, massages, obedient kids that smile and ask IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE FOR US TO DO FOR YOU, MOTHER???

Don't get me wrong,  I am so not an ungreatful bitch! I do acknowledge that I get gifts, I get the silly cards, the nice cards, the undercooked or overcooked breakfast that tastes like the BEST-BREAKFAST-i'd-ever-had-in-my-life-but-can-I-please-have-more-juice/iced tea-to-wash-this-down, nice dinner... but in between eating my breakfast and dinner, I get a whole lotta NOTHING!!!

Today was an exception, the kids made me a fantastic breakfast of Nutella crepes stuffed with strawberries and banana's and topped with whipped cream. It's soooo not on my diet plan and I'm sure I will get shit for it but OH MY GAWD was it good!!!!! After breakfast I sat on the couch for a while and tried hard not get up and tend to a few things that were clearly annoying the shit outta me but decided to not do anything because i'm sure the husband had told the kids what he tells them EVERY year... "HELP OUT YOUR MOM OR SO HELP ME I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS IF I FIND OUT YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!"

Isn't he just the sweetest man EVERRRR??????

Eventually I put down the 3 year old for a nap, the 7 year old was already napping on cue- I had told her to go clean her room. I headed into my room and got myself ready for the day. I decided I was gonna get some peace and quiet, because after all, isn't that what Mother's Day is all about? Running away and hiding from the very creatures that are the reason why you celebrate this day in the first place??? HELL YES!!! It's the ONLY day of the year that you should be allowed to do absolutely NOTHING and not feel guilty about it! No chores, no answering to the ...

"MOM, CAN YOU.......?"

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!! Now go away!!!" 

It's the day where you should be allowed to hide out, eat old Girl Scout Cookies, inhale tubs of ice cream, read, watch movie marathons of all the shit the kids don't let you watch because their hogging the TV with their damn shows ranging from cartoons with creepy characters that must of been created by someone tripping on acid to shows about horny teenage kids who dress like sluts and have kids and apparently live on their own because their parent's are never around- and people wonder why they dress like sluts and have kids...

Today I decided to head out to the store and run a few errands WITHOUT any children since I had a list of stuff they knew I wanted them to do. Apparently MY children misunderstood my leaving as permission to watch TV and go and lazy around in their rooms and fall asleep. The "Help your mom and do things around the house so she doesn't have to do anything" plea from the husband goes in one ear and out the other!!!

I was out for about an hour and a half. They had PLENTY of time to finish the random shit I asked them to do but when I walk in the door two of the kids are still in their pajamas, the boy is still sleeping and I believe the teen had finally gotten out of bed and was fixing her hair since she had to work tonight...

OH. MY. GAWD...

I come home with a few groceries and a dried up crepe is still sitting on the kitchen counter, stuff from our mall trip yesterday is STILL in the front room eventhough I asked the kids to put their stuff away, there's an Ethiopian kid standing in my kitchen wondering how to open my fridge...I mean SHIT is everywhere and I finally lost it and yelled at EVERYONE to get their asses downstairs and pick up all their crap! WHEN THE FUCK did Mother's Day turn into, OKAY, WE KISSED YOUR ASS THIS MORNING SO WE DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT THE REST OF THE DAY Kid's Day???

They're so lucky that I could get into serious trouble if I decided to administer ass beatings upon waking Mother's Day morning. And the husband STILL refuses to get me the highly requested Nerf Disk gun with fast reload so I can shoot the kids when I feel like it! I'm sure adoption is outta the question because usually people only wanna adopt cute little kids that they can help mold into fine members of society, NOT kids who roll their eyes, act like air heads when they feel like it or 3 year old boys who get a kick out of calling their mom by their first name. And i'm not completely cold hearted- I haven't left them in a dumpster because I'd feel bad if they didn't get picked up and they get cold and hungry and I haven't traveled to China to leave them in an orphanage, 1. because I don't have the money 2. because I'm almost afraid that they would try and return them before I leave the country...

I did get over it after yelling at them a bit. I did NOT want to go on all day being mad at them. I even asked the husband not to say anything to them for me (eventhough I accidentally ratted the kids out to him!!) They realized they screwed up, did what they needed too and all was hunky dory. We shared laughs, hugs, smiles took a few funny pics with the teen, had a delicious dinner which even the teen was able to join us because she got home a bit early from work. I love my kids with all my heart and like I've said before I would KILL someone if they ever did anything to harm my kids... but OH MY GAWD do they drive me nuts!!!!! One of these day's i'm going to send President Brotha' Man a bill for the $118,000 some odd dollars that they say a Stay-at-home mom would earn for all the shit she does!!!

 I don't take being a stay-at-home mom for granted. I appreciate the humor of raising kids because I know it's not an easy job and because I know there are many out there who can't afford to adopt, can't conceive or may have lost a child they can no longer scold, tease, hold in their arms or tell them I LOVE YOU...

Hope you all had a fantastic Mother's Day!

Diet- WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!!???

After jumping on the scale and seeing numbers that made me want to run to the toilet and vomit everything I've had eaten for the past 6 months, I decided back in July to jump on the bandwagon with other friends and do a 12 Week Body Makeover Challenge. It was put on by my trainer friend Your Blondiness (as I've dubbed her). Her timing could not have been more perfect!!! All I kept thinking was

HOW IN THE LIVING SHIT DO I WEIGH MORE ALMOST 2 YEARS 'AFTER' GETTING A DAMN TUMMY TUCK????

I don't care if you all know my before and afters, i'm not embarrassed... Some years back I decided it was time that I cut off that excess nasty shit that was flopping around my midsection. I hated that everytime I would get my jeans on I would look at my flap of fat and sing

"DOES YOUR FAT HANG LOW, DOES IT WOBBLE TO AND FRO, CAN YOU TIE IT IN A KNOT CAN YOU TIE IT IN A BOW? CAN YOU THROW IT OVER YOUR SHOULDER LIKE A CONTINENTAL SOLDIER, DOES YOUR FAT HANG LOW???"

YES GAWDAMNIT!!! I CAN ANSWER YES TO ALL THOSE QUESTIONS!!!! That was just nasty!!! I cant tell you how many times did I spent 10 minutes TUCKING IN my damn fat flab INTO my jeans just so I can LOOK like I have a waist??? GROSS!!!! And after breast feeding 4 kids, ONE who did not want to get off the tit til she was 13 months, my damn boobs looked like long ass socks with tennis balls inside them!!! I could wear them as a damn scarf and keep my neck warm all year long!!!!!

AND MY "NIPPLES"!!!! OH. MY. GAAAAAAWD!!!! They were the size of dinner plates!!! I could TOTALLY have ran out to the AMAZON JUNGLES and be part of some crazy native tribe clicking away chasing around the 14 kids I would be forced to breastfeed!!! I would have feathers in my hair, live in a teepee made of leaves and my name would be Flappy!!! I don't understand how anyone can feed a kid longer than a year. One of my kids was attatched to my boob. She could NOT say no.. I had so much trouble getting her off it was ridiculous!

The straw that broke the camels back??? The month before my surgery was scheduled I was at a Quincenera (a 15 year old coming of age party for mexican girls for those who don't know). I ws wearing this dress with double sided tape to keep the front from moving around. It wasn't a bad dress. But how embarrassing when your dad is trying to get your attention so that you can tuck yourself in because your gigantic areola is falling out!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!

Anyway, THANK GAWD for plastic surgery. I got like 2 feet cut off from my stomach and got the boobs lifted to where they were SUPPOSED to be. Which was good because I was starting to feel bad when in the dark of our room my husband was trying to cop a feel and I had to tell him that it wasn't my boob he was fondling, it was my gut!!!! But what a waste. I got to a point where I was going to the actual gym at LEAST once a week but was not really motivated. I did that for like a year. Even trained for and ran a half marathon!!! Still, nothing. BEFORE my surgery I weighed 155 lbs. So imagine how pissed I was when last July I jumped on the scale and saw that it was up to 163!!!! OH HEEEEEELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!

My trainer sweetened the pot and told everyone that we can actually win MONEY!!!!! SIGN ME UP!!!!! There was like 50 of us who signed up and were on a mission!!! We were going to lose that damn weight once and for all!!!!!!!! For 12 weeks we bitched and complained about choking down oatmeal and eggs for breakfast!!! I never shit so much in my life! I was so regular I was shitting oatmeal for weeks!!! I couldn't go for walks without scheduling time to take a dump!!! I carted around my damn protein shakes so I can chug them after my workouts, I had dreams of pasta, breads and potatoes for months!!! I got so gawdamn tired of chicken I started to cluck when I talked! I would have panic attacks at the grocery store because I would wander in the cookie aisle and I would have images of me ripping open all the Oreo's and eating them all!!! I would sit there and imagine myself running around the store trying to get away from the cops who were called because someone saw me dipping the Oreo's in the ice cream!!! I would send messages to the group on Facebook and tell them that I might need Your Blondiness to use the prize money to bail me out because I got arrested!!!! Some people were supportive and say WALK AWAY BRENDA, WALK AWAY!!! Others would do what I would of done and would say GET IT BRENDA OPEN THE BOX OF DONUTS!!!!!!!!! Bitches....

Then there was CHEAT MEALS!!! NOT to be mistaken with CHEAT DAY!!!! Once a week we were allowed to eat ONE CHEAT MEAL!!! It could be whatever we wanted it to be!!! Our entire lives revolved around WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HAVE FOR CHEAT MEAL!!!!!!

It became a covert mission to plan out what we were going to have. We had to coordinate parties and get togethers and anniversarys and birthday's!!! If it was going to be someones birthday that weekend, we had to save our meal for the gawdamn cake that they were going to have!!! If it was your anniversary that week, you bet your fat ass you aren't going to have any gawdamn lasagna tonight because you need to save it for your stupid celebration of how many years you have been together with the one you love blah blah BLAH!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GIVE ME A GAWDAMN BURGER WITH THE BUN!!!!!! You know how many times I went through the McDonalds drive through and ordered dinner for the family and had a gawdamn salad??? I LITERALLY threatened the kids that if they didn't give me a fucking fry they were going to be grounded!!!!!!!! Don't even walk around me with a Snickers because I would run and drop kick you and steal it from you!!! I was not above wrestling the 3 year old to take his sucker too!!! Of course, I also liked messing with my fellow dieters. I would send pictures of desserts an shit just to piss them off!!! HAHAHAAHA!!!!


In the end I lost 21 pounds and 12 inches!!!! Between me and a friend of mine we lost a fucking 2nd grader!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That is so awesome but so FUCKING NASTY!!!!!!!!!! In the end if you add up all our weight and inches lost we pretty much lost a a freaking car!!!!! I was so happy I could shit oatmeal for the next month!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't win the money but that's okay. I gained back my self confidence, my ability to walk around and sing I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT in my head BLAH BLAH BLAH... I WANTED THE GAWDAMN MONEY!!!!!

Why am I sharing this with you??? Because in 2 day's i'm going to start a SECOND 12 Week Makeover Challenge- Bikini Edition!!! No matter how much I was trying to run away from them, some of those damn pounds I lose fucken found me!!!

So watchout!!! If you see me at the gym, I have one thing in mind- FIND MY INNER SOFIA VERGARA, SALMA HAYAK and make it BETTER!!!!!!!

But if you see me in the grocery store hyperventalating because of a chocolate and carb deficiency, talk to me calmly because I may not recognize who you are. For all I know you can be a giant cupcake and I might just try and lick your face!!!!!!! If you care about me at ALL, just talk to me REAAAAALLY slowly and walk me AWAY from anything that is made of breads, sugar and anything with FLAVOR!!!!!!!! Remind me that it will ALL be worth it in the end and I will be able to look fucken hot in a string bikini if I just put the Twinkie down and stop threatening the poor teenager who works there because he's not willing to lose his life over a minimum wage job and a crazy lady whose eyes are popping out of her head!!!!

Oh... the husband lovingly reminded me that the week after i'm done with my challenge, MY TEEN GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL............. I don't know about you but I have two day's. I hope I make weigh in because Im about to go on a food coma.. THANKS HUSBAND... thanks for that wonderful news. If I go ape shit and need to kill someone, he's FIRST on the list.............

THE END