Stupid people at the mall...

I was at the mall yesterday. I was watching two of my kids run around in the play area while the husband and one of our other kids took off to exchange some stuff. Sometimes these play areas are so gross they almost look like you should get a tetanus shot upon arrival!!!

PARENTS:

INSERT COIN IN SLOT
OPEN CUBBY AND ADMINISTER TETANUS SHOT TO CHILD
PLACE EMPTY SYRINGE IN HAZARDOUS WASTE RECEPTACLE
PLACE CHILD'S SHOES IN CUBBY
ENJOY THE PLAY AREA AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

But, I suppose this one is decent. There ain't shit for kids to do than climb on a couple of fiberglass animals and run around. Pregnant moms looked cute making my womb strings tug. Then I heard my kids screaming reminding me why I would love nothing more than to take a wire hanger and rip out my entire reproductive system without medication!!! Then there's the "other people's kids". The ones whose parents have no freaking clue what's going on because they're in a heated conversation with their friend not realizing their kid is half way to the Angry Birds kiosk! ...

"HEY LADY, GO GET YOUR DAMN KID BEFORE SOMEONE STEALS 'EM!!! ... And while your at it, get me the Angry Birds backpack as a reward for saving your precious little rugrat!!!"

Some of these kids can be so cute! I like to ooh and ahhhh at the cute ones with the cute outfits that their loving moms put together. The little boys with their spiky gelled hair or the frilly little girls with their perfect little pigtails. They are just so cute you wanna run up and give them a big ol' hug, but you don't because you don't want someone to call security and have them escort out the creepy lady who must of rented the two kids she has with her because they don't look ANYTHING like her and for some reason she keeps hugging all the kids!!!

You know what kind of people I hate at the mall? I HATE moms who go out with their nails all done, not a hair out of place, make-up looks professionally done and their outfit costs so much it makes my asshole twitch! Meanwhile, their kid is walking next to them with their beat up Crocs, no socks, legs are so dry their dying for some lotion, clothes dont match, hair is all ratty and they got so much snot on their face it makes you wanna reach over and clean their face with their moms Coach purse scarf!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT!!!???

Rule of thumb: Always have your kids look better or as equally as you when you go out or else people (me) will talk shit about what a selfish bitch you are...

Anyway, there I am, watching my kids run around like goofballs. They're so cute! But why does there ALWAYS have to be an older kid that either pushes his way past kids, knocking them over as HE or SHE tries to get on the slide before anyone else? Then he has to run around and be FASTER than everyone else. Then he has to just CLIMB better than anyone else on the shit he shouldn't be allowed to climb on because he's like 3 years too old and 1 foot taller than anyone else, but his mom is busy fucking around on her phone to see that her angel is actually being a little shit!!?? Kids like that just make me wanna trip them! Don't get me wrong, when my own kids act like retards and pretend they dont' hear me when I tell them to stop running around, I literally tell them they better knock it off or imma trip them, so see, I'M FAIR!!! But right then at the mall... I could just "casually" stretch my leg out at the right moment and see that kid face plant onto the shitty carpet that gives him rug burn on his chin and his forehead! Then I can say

 "OMG KID, WHAT HAPPENED!?" And yes, I would totally blame it on the kid and tell his mom he was running full speed and he must of tripped over his own feet because he was going to fast and THAT's why he ate shit!

"I HOPE HE'S OKAY!" ...No I don't. Annoying little shit... THAT'S what you get...

His mom would believe me too, because instead of paying attention to her little "angel", she was neglecting him and facebooking about how she did NOT want to be in the play area but hit up Charlotte Russe for some new slutty clothes to go to the club this weekend. Stupid lady...

Instead of doing shit like that she should be a caring mom like me. One that makes sure my kids look cute when we head out the house even if I don't. One that puts her kids first and lets them run around instead of shopping. Granted I HATE shopping but we won't get into that right now... One that believes in multi-tasking by keeping an eye on my kids AND starts blogging about stupid people at the mall at the same time!!!

Then there's the women who, are a little "too" proud of their assets... uh... it's the mall. Your not at the club trying to get someone to come home with you so can you please tuck in your nipples and cover up the cottage cheese on your ass? I can feel my orange chicken coming up!!! And you over there- you REALLY have no business wearing those skinny jeans. Half of your stomach is hanging over and your muffin top happens to be TEXAS SIZED! You seriously look like the Kool-Aid man. OMG OMG COULD YOU PLEASE SAY "OOOHH YEAAAAAH" like he does before you bust through the Victoria's Secret doors????

Another group of people I totally FREAKING hate at the mall??? THE KIOSK PEOPLE!!! They don't have a real job so they have to try to sell you their shit from the stupid little wooden getup they have to stand at for 8 hours so they can make sales and commission.

Verizon guy: "HEY, WHAT KINDA PHONE YOU GOT THERE?"

Me: "NOT ONE OF YOURS"

And I walk away...

$80 hair curler girl: "CAN YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW EASY IT IS TO CURL YOUR HAIR?"

Me: "I HAVE FOUR KIDS WITH ME, DO I "LOOK" LIKE I CAN GO OVER THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT SO YOU CAN CURL MY HAIR!!??"

And I walk away...

Green Nicotine guy: "HEY, DO YOU SMOKE?"

Me: "I HAVE FOUR KIDS, DRINKING IS WHAT I DO!"
(okay, so I didn't really say that, I just stared at him like he's an idiot and walked away)

T-mobile guy: "HEY, WHAT KINDA PHONE YOU GOT THERE?"

Me: "IF I WANTED ONE OF YOUR DAMN PHONES I WOULD GO TO YOUR BOOTH!"

And I walk away...


Perfume lady: "WOULD YOU LIKE A SAMPLE?"
Me: (confused as I look at her in her boob revealing top and short skirt with tall boots) "OF WHAT??? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY LEGALIZED PROSTITUTION???"

Okay I didn't tell the perfume hooker that last tidbit but we've ALL wanted to!!! Lucky for her I liked the perfume and didn't care that the husband was practically drooling over her. Maybe for Valentines day he can get me some of that perfume. I'm sure he will be MORE THAN HAPPY to go get it for me!!!!

HOARDERS: Automotive Edition

I know I have touched on the subject before, but today I absolutely had to keep my gag reflex in check!!! I have played a game or two of "WHAT'S THAT SMELL" while in my car. Usually, it's still that faint mix of Simple Green, Spaghetti and vomit from 6 years ago.. Makes your mouth water doesn't it??? Other times its the more powerful leftover smells of bringing home McDonalds the night before mixed with stinky feet, funky ass and sweaty kids who have been running around at school all day. Then there's all that crap that sticks and hides. I had everything from candy, hair clips, one single solitary freaking block, soda that has been spilled onto the carpet and somehow splattered on my freaking ceiling AND under the BACK of the passenger seat, goldfish crackers remains, wrappers, lollipop sticks, DVD's, enough water bottles to sustain a small village in Africa for a month, my childhood dog, my neighbors mail and OH- can someone please tell me how in the fuck did green paint end up in the back seat cup holder??? SERIOUSLY!!!???

Despite the fact that I've been sick for the 11th eff'ing day AND that the husband was tired as all hell, we cleaned the fuck outta my car!!! And by cleaning I mean, we took out the middle bench seat of my minivan (I like to refer to it as my MILFmobile) and cleaned the SHIT out of it!!! I had to whip out ALL industrial strength cleaners, GooGone, Windex, OxyClean, bathroom cleaners, shampoo's, fabric softeners, Clorox wipes, deodorant spray's, Dyson vaccums and steam cleaner with lavender scented cleaner for the carpets AND bench seat- cuz all that shit was NAAAAASTY!!! Okay, so I NEVER ever sit in the back seats of my car. I have no reason to because i'm usually the one driving the fucking thing. So all that weird shit stuck to the seats, the carpets, the cup holders, the shit on the ceiling and the nasty ass brown crap that got sucked out of the carpets that made me want to fucking vomit is ALLLLL my kids!!!

HOW THE FUCK!!!??? Seriously. My CAR should be the beginning of a new show,

 HOARDERS: AUTOMOTIVE EDITION

because apparently my kids were saving that gawdamn french fry for a rainy day...

For those who don't have a minivan, FUCK YOU, i'm totally jealous!!! But for those who do, if you are able to take out any of your seats, theres this metal ditch like thing where you attatch the seats. We had to soak ALL four of those bastards in like an inch of GooGone for about 15 minutes to get some of it to BARELY budge! You know it's bad when you have to ask your husband to hand you a chisel and a hammer to get out the fossils of a damn HERSHEY KISS ribbon, a penny, beads, bobby pins, a rock and for some fucking reason, things that resembled either raisins, cranberries or maybe a freaking roach (i'm not sure cuz I was too scared to examine it)!!! ALL this, of course, fused together with soda, candy, my blood, my tears... I would of taken before and after pictures to post but, I actually WOULD like to keep any and all of my followers and my broke ass doesn't particularly want to get sued for anyone's therapy bills for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder you may have develped after viewing the images that will forever be burned into my OWN head!!! As I was sitting there chiseling away at the funk in my car I couldn't help but wonder if I could make small pictures like they did on the walls of Mayan Temples. Maybe I can carve out a little stick figure with two circles for boobs and 2 long lines for my hair. I would even carve one out with 3 legs to represent my husband *wink wink* . I would put them at the bottom of a cliff buried under the rubble of giant gold fish crackers with 4 devil spawn pointing and laughing from the cliff above.... Nah, sounds like too much work.


Since I decided to spare you the visuals, I decided it is only fair that I try my hardest to give you an idea of the lovely smells and mental images!!! I just want to be able to connect to my audience and to make you feel like you were ACTUALLY there with us!!!

When we were done with steam cleaning the bench seat and the carpets in the car, which still had heavy stains but I got the majority of it out- It looked like fucking mud. EEEEEEEEEW!!!!!!! My husband came into the house to show me the crap collecting container- cuz we're sick like that and like to share disgusting things so we can ooh and aaaah over them. We dumped the dirty water in the toilet since walking out to dump it in the rocks out front made too much sense. It made my toilet look like a black bottom port-a-potty.... Again.... HOW THE FUUUUUUCK!!!???

It's a good thing I'm married because if I WASN'T, and I had to try and win a man over with my decomposing MILFmobile, I would be single for like, EVERRRR!!!!

I can't wait til' the day all the kids grow up and I can ditch the eyesore of a car that I have and get myself a sleek convertible 2 seater!!! I would rip out the second seat and would't even let the husband in it! I would sit in the car. I would sleep in my car. I would talk dirty to it and totally make out with it!!! I would love my car til death do us part. I would totally turn into the old movie Christine only, mine would be a guy and he would hate kids, not potential mates!!!

Moral of the story: If you have more than one kid or were drunk enough to have 4, CHECK YOUR CAR!!!! Whatever you have in there may one day come to life eat you alive or potentially make you rich because you discovered the proper chemical combination to cure whatever it is that makes stay-at-home mom's lose their fucking minds!!!

Kids- the OTHER white meat!

I believe people have kids, not just to "ooh and aaah" over, not just to carry on your family name and to gush over having someone to love unconditionally for ever and ever, but to amuse themselves. If I wasn't a stay home mom, I would probably still be messing with people as the absentminded waitress I once was!!! Okay, I was the shit but, I was also a ditz sometimes!!! Soon after I got a job at a restaurant a friend co-owned, I found out I was pregnant with my second child....

Aaaaand it begins...  Kids have this INCREDIBLE ability to bring out the stupid in ANYONE no matter what stage in life they are in- a teen, a 'tween, a kid or a freaking fetus! They feed off your once intelligent brain and turn you into a piss ass version of what you USED to be! But somehow with all that feeding, they dont seem to absorb the intelligence. Their bodys immune system identifies the smarts as some sort of foreign object and totally rejects it! All of it gets turned into a big pile of bullshit, which, in time, comes spewing out their mouths!!!

Anyway, there I was waiting on a table. My ONLY table at the time and had no reason to rush around and quite frankly, I didn't feel like it. As I go over to greet them with their drink orders, somehow I strategically AND accidentally spill this mans beer ALL over his lap! Mind you, my hand was STILL on the glass.... MORTIFIED, all I can think of was the thousands of proper OMG I'M SO SORRY'S and PLEASE FORGIVE ME'S I was reciting in my head. Instead of going with that, I shake my head and say "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I JUST FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT!"

The man just stared at me and said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

I don't know if he meant that for my stupid reasoning as to why I just spilled beer all over him during his lunch break, or if he couldn't believe I was actually going to reproduce... Hmmm... interesting.

My youngest and only son is 3 and i'm still not used to the tidbits he does. I constantly find myself texting or calling my best friend and my sister-in-law wondering WHAT THE FUCK is WRONG with him!!?? They assure me that its all totally normal... REALLY!!??

First of all, I guess my son isn't completely normal with a mom like me... For some reason he enjoys dropping the F bomb, likes to say "Damnit" but knows how to turn on the charm when necessry. Example...

Me: "EAT YOUR DINNER!!!"

Son: "NEVERRRRR!"

Me: "I said eat your dinner NOW!!!

Son: (turns head, cries, throws tantrum, food, my common sense, my dignity, etc.)

Me: "FINE! Do you want me to give Tuffy and blankie to Susie!" (Yes, i'm stupidly fighting with a child threatening to give his blanket and stuffed dog to our own dog)

Son: "YEAAAH!"

Me: ((OH NO HE DIDN'T! I pretend to open the back door)) "Here you goooo Susie..."

Son: (WAILING and practically hyperventilating) "FINE, I'LL EAT!!!"

Me: FINE!!! ((YESS!!! I totally just won!!!))

So, im supervising the boy to feed himself and he's staring at me with loving eyes and sweetly say's "MOMMY'S EYES ARE SO PUUUURDY!"

I smile like an idiot, "REALLY!? AWWW, THANK YOU BABY!!!"

Boy: (looks over at my wedding picture that's displayed near the dinner table) "AWWWWW, MOMMY'S A PRINCESS!!!"

Me: ((fuck))


How in the hell did he learn to be so freaking slick!!!??? Or am I just losing my touch!!?? WHEN did Rico Suave learn to play ME like a fool? He's good at it too! He know's how to do lots of shit, know's how to manuever my iPod to play Angry Birds, know's his way around NETFLIX but REFUSES to piss and shit in the potty!!??

I swear....

Not like the girls are any better. The oldest thinks it's funny to try and encourage the boy to be bad. She like's to try and "toughen him up"! She say's it's her job because he doesn't have an older brother and she doesn't want him to grow up to be a pansy! Hahaha!!! Good point! Soooo... she goes around asking him to say "SHIP", "DUCK" ... etc... Then she likes to harrass him and see him get mad. SOO FUNNY to watch actually. One time we were driving to the mall and the boy is watching a movie on my iPod.

She leans over and say's "Baby, I love you!"

And he yells back "STOP IT!"...

Teen: "I said I LOVE YOU!!!"

Boy: "STOP IIIIIT!!!!" (smacking at her)

Teen: "I SAID I LOVE YOU!!!"

Boy: "STOP IT, I DONT WANT ANY I LOVE YOU!!!!"

The teen, my husband and I burst into laughter!!! And yes, my sadistic ass totally recorded that exchange on my phone and I enjoy watching it over and over again!!!!

The next one drives me insane- she's book smart as all hell, loves reading, playing music and is a relatively good kid with a big sense of humor... but HOLY HELL can she act like the biggest ditz that it just makes your head spin!!! One evening she comes downstairs and asks if she can have a snack before she goes to bed cuz she was still hungry. I told her Yes, but she can't have a S'more, Ice Cream or ANY other crap food...

Me: If you want something, grab a fruit or a granola bar or something healthy. I'm tired of you trying to eat crap all the time."

Lazyass: (Exits room)

Me: "Get back in here!!!! Just for that, your gonna grab what I tell you to get and I say grab a granola bar!"

Lazyass: (huffing and puffing) "Fine. Where are they"

Me: "They're right there in the pantry."

Lazyass:  (opens the door and turns to me) "I dont know where they are! I don't see them!"

Me: "They're not going to yell at you and tell you where they are, try moving stuff around!

Lazyass: (exits the room after a few attmepts to find the granola bars)

Me: "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!? Get the granola bar!"

Lazyass: "I tried to look but I couldn't find them ANYWHERE!"

Me: (I walk over and make her go with me. I open the pantry and point to the box of granola bars that she MOVED out of the way to "find" the gawdamn granola bars!!!!)

Lazyass: "..... oh, I did't see them..."

Me: ((please shoot me))



As for the 7 yr old- she has an infectious laugh, hugs everyone like she hasnt seen them in 20 years and NEVER EVER EVER EEEVER shuts up. She can talk more than I can and that's saying  A LOT!!! On the other hand, she's not stupid. Like a predator she will look at her environment, study it and then figure out an approach. She will witness one of the older siblings get in trouble and she maps out how she's NOT going to get on our bad side. And gawd forbid she catches me on a PMS day and for some reason gets herself in trouble for say, hiding clean clothes in between her stuffed animals and throwing all her dirty clothes all over the floor! I will tell her to pick it all up and put her stuff away like she was supposed to because it took longer trying to hide the shit than it would of taken her to put it away! After a while she will slip a note under my bedroom door or quietly drop a paper on the kitchen counter as i'm cooking with a drawing of two happy little stick figures on top of a grassy little hill, holding hands under a rainbow and sunshine! Underneath it will say "Mom, your the most wonderfullest mom i've ever had!" with a big heart next to it!!! It just warms the soul doesn't it!!??

Me: "Stop sucking up! Why don't you try picking up your room instead of drawing pictures! And what do you mean 'BEST MOM I'VE EVER HAD'?? I'm the ONLY mom you've ever had!!!"

What a bitch....

ANYWAYYYYY... Despite their little quirks, their abilities to crawl under my skin and the fact that they have sucked out any semblance of humanity and intelligence i've ever had, I love my kids with all my heart! I talk a lot of shit but I would stab a bitch if anyone ever tried hurting any of my kids and since i'm not very stable as it is, I think I can claim insanity!!!?? The moral of the story is, having kids is very entertaining and draining!!! You really do begin to understand why animals in the wild eat their young!

"CAN I HAVE A LEG WITH A LITTLE FRANKS HOT SAUCE? THANKS!!!"

Being a stay-at-home mom is ALWAYS an adventure whether it's trying hard not to backhand your teen for being disrespectful and rolling their eyes at you despite the fact that you have seen it on TV and always wanted to try it but never dared, or whether you are asking your 3 yr old what in the hell he's doing in the bathtub and he say's "SQUISHING MY NUTS" as he's messing with his junk- I would not trade this for any other job in the world...

Watchout for senior citizens!!!

I grew up in a time where we were taught to "respect our elders" and never EVER talk back to them. If anything, we should listen to them because their old and wise and have a LOOOOT more experience in life than I do...

That said, I live in a relatively small, up and coming family community down the road from a predominately senior community. Our local grocery store honors our fellow senior citizens for being so darn outstanding by holding what "THEY" refer to as "Senior Discount Day" one day a month! "Come and get 10% off your groceries Seniors! You deserve it because you're awesome and we LOVE the dicken's outta you!!!"

"WE" on the other hand... as in, NOT the grocery store, but fellow patrons who share the company of these cottonheads, refer to it as "OLD PEOPLE WEDNESDAY"!!!

(Cue theme from Jaws)

Look, I'm not TRYING to sound bitter. Most of them are cute and sweet and kind and smile a lot!!! But fuck that, i'm on to them!!! I dont think they smile to be cute and nice and sweet but to be kaniving little bastards! While your thinking, "OH MY GAWD, HURRY UP YOU OLD FART" as they try to figure out if they want the SpaghettiO's with or without Calcium, because if they DO get the ones with Calcium, it may mean having to cut their daily Calcium pill in half for that day and they don't remember where they put their freaking splitter! I'll tell you why their smiling from ear to hairy ear- they're smiling because they are F-U-C-K-I-N-G with you!!! I think they plan it all month while playing Bunko, to congregate at the end of the aisle with their dear friends that they just so "happened" to run into, forcing you to listen to their current conversation about their last doctors appointment because they "cant hear you" asking them if you can get through!!!

((sigh))

So, frustrating, right!!?? I 'KNOW' you know what i'm talking about! Why do I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder? Well, I'm sorry but it's because of THEM, that's why!!! Lemme tell you a little story about a time I needed to get some stuff at the grocery store on Old People Wednesday...

Once upon a time, I needed to get some stuff at the grocery store on Old People Wednesday. I should of turned back home when I saw every fucking stall in the parking lot jam packed. But I smiled and decided, it's no big deal, I'm in no rush, so, whatever, I will go in with these sweet people who are only here to get their OWN groceries to nurish their fragile little bodies!

I take myself and three of my kids in and away we go! I get this and that and shell out a few "No, we can't get that right now's" and yell at Badass to "Get back in the car!" as he tries to make a run for it out of the damn car grocery cart that is like 8 ft long and hard to manuver but HE wanted it so, sit the fuck down!!! ... Same ol' shit, different day... Anyway, there I am getting some healthy breakfast cereal's for my growing kids, oh who am I kidding. There I was getting cereal with the highest sugar contents to give my kids JUST enough of a sugar rush to get them through their school day's when I'm about to turn out of the aisle. Out of nowhere, comes this old man literally trying to shove me into the Pop Tart display as he forces his cart through to get into the aisle I am currently TRYING to exit! After he shoves his way through, all the while making direct eye contact with him the entire time, I turn and say, "WOW, AREN'T WE CONSIDERATE"... This sweet discount deserving old man totally looked at me and in a slow but pronounced tone and said

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Uh...Esssskwoose me???

Knowing I had my kids with me I didn't wanna shove his fat ass into the Rice Krispies, so instead of a witty comeback- because I had to undo the shit he just did and because I respect my elders, I just calmly responded,

"Don't you just have a lovely mouth". He turned to me in front of my still shocked kids and said

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Wow, that's why your at the grocery store alone you fucking JACKASS!!! He is so lucky I had my kids, I was fucking fuming!!! I text my husband and was comforted knowing he was so mad he wanted to come down to the grocery store and kick his ass!!! Okay, maybe he didn't wanna kick his ass, but that fucker deserved it!!!

Next story...

I'm alone this time and made a quick run to the store for a few items I needed for dinner. I didn't want to go to a different store because it was Old People Wednesday and since I only had a few things to get I would be in and out in no time- I just have to use the self-check out!!!! Anyway, as I'm walking towards the self-checkout, I noticed there was an OBVIOUS long line, but a shorter line in the very first cashier attendent line for the 20 items or less. Okay, I can do that! So, I walk over and get in back of the lady that was there. A woman to my right is walking down the aisles and asks a sweet fragile old man if he was in line for the self-checkout so she can get behind him. I felt eyes burning holes in the back of my head when I heard

"I WAS in that line but FATTY over there just came and got in front of me!"

"Uhhh... Essssskwoose me?"

The lady just giggles and gets behind this guy with her grocery cart and her two t'weens. I turned to him and said "Uh... are you referring to ME!?"

He said, "Hell yes I am! You just came by and walked your fat ass right in front of me!"

ATTENTION CUSTOMERS: There will be a live smackdown at the front of the store. Tickets will be $25 at customer service. Fatty say's she will be performing The Crane made famous in the original Karate Kid movie and take out Grumpy Old Man by kicking him in his shriveled up balls!

Seriously, WTF old people!!?? The lady behind him was shocked!

She was all, "OMG YOU WERE SERIOUS!? I thought you were joking!!!"

I told her, "Oh no, he was totally serious, because somehow his line over there was making a line over here."

The poor shocked lady's daughter was just staring at this old man and couldn't resist. She looks at him and say's "You know, that was really rude of you to say that."

If her mom wasn't already weirded out, I would of hugged her daughter put her in my cart and taken her home, but instead I talked to her like he wasn't even there and told her,

"Oh sweety, I appreciate it but don't waste your breath. He's not listening to what anyone has to say!"

When my line moved I told the old fucker to get in front of me before he gives himself a heart attack and shits his pants. Okay, so I didn't say it like that because i'm respectul, and eventhough he was hesitant, he did! Later I scooted on over to the self-checkout line because it was moving along. While checking out, Shocked Lady said "OMG WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF YOU FINISHED BEFORE HIM!"

I said, "Actually, i'm sure I will, he still has someone in front of him and i'm almost up!"

As I gave Shriveled Balls the ol' Fuck You by heading out before him, I loudly told Shocked Lady to have herself a very good day as I waved at her and she smiled! Shriveled Balls just glared at me.

BUT, don't fuck with me either....

Where the f#ck have I been!!??

HOLY FREAKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!

I just noticed some people from Russia have joined in (doesn't specify your area so don't get your panties in a bunch!)!!!!!!!! That's freaking AWESOOOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!

It's almost midnight here and I really should get my fat ass to bed but i'm so giddy I wish I could google how to say "welcome" but i'm too fucking lazy to do that SO, i'm just going to say WELCOME!!! Thanks for tuning in!!! Granted I haven't been on lately and you can give me a cyber kick in the ass which is FINE but that's okay, because i've been fucking sick so, deal with it!!! You try typing on the damn keyboard when your blowing snot all live long day because your kids finally succeeded in giving you the ol' FUCK YOU with their damn germs! Sure they say "Oh mommy, i'm so sorry you don't feel so good" but I bet you 5 bucks they're in their rooms laughing their asses off that you can't yell at them because you have a sore throat and have absolutely no strength to smack them upside their heads when they decide to get all pissy with eachother!!! ((sigh))

This past week has had me all over the map. It's like a clusterfuck of holy shitness that makes your head wanna spin! I won't tell you about it all but I will just touch it a bit.....Clusterfuck....... I love that word.. CLUSTER-FUCK!!!!!!! LET'S SAY IT OUT LOUD!!!!!!

CLUSTERFUCK!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it fun to say!!?? Whatever. I don't think your enjoying it as much as I am..

ANYWAAAAAY... All last week I was trying to see if it was possible to OD on Vitamin C and Eccinacea because I did NOT want to get sick! Then people were telling me that it's not possible, I would just piss out what my body didn't need, whatever! Not like I was expecting to get on a Vit C trip dreaming of tie dyed oranges floating around the damn room or anything, I just DID NOT want to get sick!!! After my last post I had to head outta town for a couple of day's; and though I have internet access to update my blog via phone, I had way too much going on to be figuring out how to copy and paste shit to add cute pictures onto my blog! YES I think your worth entertaining with visual aids, I quite like them myself, BUT, whatever. it was too much at THE TIME...

Why did I head outta town you may be wondering? STOP BEING NOSEY!!! I'm kidding of course, I waaaaaaas going to tell you, just be patient, jeez! Anyway, seeing as there are some of you from all over the damn world that doesn't know me, I like running. So, I went out of town to run a half-marathon with a few friends of mine! Not that many people like doing it, hell, my own friend was wondering how in the living hell I convinced her to speedwalk it!!!! I figure, i'm just THAT fucking charming!!!!!

No, not really, but I like to think so......

HAHAHA!!!!!!!!

So, an old high school friend of mine and I decided to take off and run this thing and see what I can do! Granted, my ass had BARELY decided to take this shit seriously last month and even took a 10 day vacation, came back, trained another two weeks, then BAM! Time to run! What the fuck was I thinking??? Seriously, I don't mind running the 13.1 miles. I like pain. Pain is good... what I don't like, is going to the damn expo with all the people in their running gear. SERIOUSLY!!?? Must you really fucking run up and down stairs and show off? I get it, we're ALL here to fucking run!!! By the looks of it, your ass ain't winning the cash money so KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!!!!!!! One day i'm going to trip one of these fuckers... I'm such a dick...

I don't know the age range you people are, and i'm aware that some of you may not know what the fuck i'm talking about, but i'm old enough to know what ANIMALYMPICS are. Me and my friend ran in SYNC!!!!! She was like my damn running coach, my shadow, my hero!!! She tappity tap tapped some shit on her wrist gadget and I was just drooling! I think she told me "I will keep your pace, speed up when you do and slow down when you do. Just let me know what pace you don't want to go under and I will let you know when you hit it!?" She had me at "Tappity tap tap" because I had NO FUCKING CLUE what she just said, I just saw her mouth moving and I just smiled and kept looking at her watch thingamajig like I was gonna steal it!!! If I had thought bubbles, she would of seen the little hearts coming out my head because my ass doesn't even wear a watch let alone some nifty gadget to keep my pace!!!!!!!

Anyway, there I was feeling like a super sexxy momma, wearing my new little pouch to carry my phone that said "This isn't sweat, it's liquid Awesome!". I was so totally ready, BRING IT BITCH! I said to the race!!! And there I was "running". Sometimes I would show off so my friends little gadget would think I was the shit, until my legs reminded me that i'm soOOooOOoo totally NOT!!!!

After a 13.1 miles, a few entertaining signs (my favorites being WORST PARADE EVER and CHUCK NORRIS NEVER RAN A HALF-MARATHON) we eventually we finished the race and I came in at a personal best of 2:45:13!!! And the entire time, there was my friend, barely breaking a sweat, while I looked like hell and felt like my legs were going to fucking fall off!!! She never left my side, never tried to throw me over a bridge, never tried to trip me... I'm surprised she didn't carry me on her back like we were re-creating some war movie while yelling "I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU BEHIND!!" Hell, we may as well have ran hand in hand!!!



It's funny cuz i'm sure she's reading this thinking i'm stupid and i'm not giving myself any credit, blah blah blah......... when I grow up, I wanna be an Ethiopian marathoner and make her eat my dust!!!!!!! I'm such a shitty friend aren't I??? NO I'M NOT!!!!!!! Don't even think it! I'm awesome!

Unfortunately all this awesome turned into a big ball of shit when I came home after the race and finally got sick!!! That's what i've been doing all week. Blowing snot, sleeping, hacking up god know's what, had upset stomach etc. My body was a big clusterfucking mess!!!! I'm almost better but HAD to write you a little because I missed you and because of the whole giddy shit with seeing how many hit's i've had on my blog!!! Never ever EVERRRRRRRR think I have nothing to say, my husband is fucking happy I have a blog now because he said it's just one more thing he DOESN'T have to listen to! He's so sick of me rambling random shit i'm sure he's wondering why I didn't do this sooner! HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, i'm going to go now, before I get into some weird ass touchy feely shit because I've had NyQuil floating around in my system for a few hours now! The last thing you need right now is me sounding drunk. I'm a funny drunk though... at least that's what I like to believe! We'll discuss more about that later!!!

Stay tuned, now that i'm feeling a bit better, I should have something up again tomorrow, just let me get some damn sleep right now!!!!!!!!!

I have PMS and a gun. Any questions???

Sorry I dropped off the map for the past few day's. I was busy trying REALLY hard to control my inner bitch since I have been suffering from PMS!!! Its pretty draining when you are trying to curb your desire to destroy everything in your path all the while a sick little boy is clinging on to you tugging at your heart strings, then you have your other children practically begging you to teach them why it is animals eat their young, and then there's the husband... Then one who got you in this fucking mess in the first place with the kids and the house and the constant teasing asking you if you want any Midol... The make believe CURE IT ALL when it comes to PMS!!!!! The stupid pill that goes in one end and and gets pissed out never having "cured" or let alone eased ANY of my fucking symptoms during its brief stay in my body. TAUNTING ME every time with it's stupid label that it will "help" with the bloating and the back aches and the fatigue and the cramps- FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID LYING LITTLE PILL!!!

I swear Midol was made by a man because if it was made by a woman you would have to scan your drivers license, show proof of age, sign a waiver and pick it up at the pharmacy counter because it would contain some sort of mixture of ibuprofen, percoset, morphine, and valium!!! Take two and wash it down with a shot of tequila and call it a week!!! EVERYBODY WINS!!! The drug company wins because they will be selling that shit like candy, the husbands win because they're not in danger of getting their wangs whacked off because their wife is on the rampage, kids win because they won't have their mothers breathing down their necks because they forgot how much their mom HATES it when they pop the fucking collar to their school uniform and most importantly THE WOMEN win because they don't have do deal with mood swings, back aches, cramps and annoying people you are not allowed to beat the shit out of because if you did, you would get 20 to life for aggravated assult, attempted murder, failure to co-operate with law enforcement, oh, and for threatening the judge for offering you a fucking Midol when he gets wind that you are suffering for PMS!!! Instead, it's La-La Land for 5-7 day's!!! Just slap a Depends on my ass, check on me every 6-12 hours, roll me over every once in a while so I don't get bed sores and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!

It's so damn irritating. For YEARS every damn month you look down and think
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? GREAT. MY CROTCH IS BLEEDING "AGAAAAAAAAAIN"!!!!!"

Then you go to the bathroom and it's like a murder scene!!! I feel like I need to call HBO's Dexter in and ask him to tell me what he can about the blood splatter pattern in the shower. Then there's the constant changing of the pads or the tampons. Yeah, as if constantly unfolding and peeling off a stupid sticker off a miniature diaper that fits in the "contour" of your panties is going to make it all better. As if shoving a giant Qtip up your crotch every 8 hours or less because your affraid of getting Toxic Shock Syndrome is going to make it all go away. You want me to be in a good fucking mood while ragging??? Someone invent a freaking tampon that vibrates- THEN we'll talk!!!!!

Then comes the clean up. We ALL have woken up and realized HOLY SHIT, I HAVE TO CHANGE THE SHEETS BEFORE ____ FINDS OUT!!! Then you change the sheets, bleach them, Clorox 2 them and even OXY CLEAN the shit outta them but, OH, WAIT, I got some on the fucking mattress!!! REALLY!!!??? I already feel like i'm in some remote farm in Mexico cleaning all my underthings in the fucking sink so it doesn't "GET MIXED IN" with the "normal" clothes...

Fuck. me. in. the. eye...

WHY AM I GETTING INTO SO MUCH DETAIL??? So you can show this to your beloved husband/boyfriend/man in your life. Fuck it, show your dad if you are still living at home!!! They always give us shit about our "time of the month" and most people are too damn shy to talk about it with them. Uh... just leave this page open on the computer, leave a barf bag on the chair and walk away... So the next time they ask you if you want some fucking Midol or say "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? YOU SHOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW SHOULDN'T YOU!?" ....

FUCK. YOU.... the end.

WARNING: my kids caught the Stupid!

My children woke up with a case of the STUPID today. I was tempted to go back to bed so I didn't catch it but I figured the best thing to do was send them off to school. Since I know it's contagious, maybe it wasn't the best motherly thing for me to do.... but FUCK THAT! I think it's only fair since someone got one of my kids SICK!!!

First there was Kissass. I had just taken her breakfast to the table when she comes into the kitchen and gets a big ol' napkin. I asked her if she had spilled a little milk and she sweetly said "YEAH, JUST A little..." I took the napkin from her so she can eat while I cleaned it up when I see that her milk cup was almost empty and there was a huge puddle of milk right in the middle of the table. WTF?? HOW in the world is that a "little"!!!??? To top it all off, the homework that was supposed to be put in her backpack last night got a "little" wet from the spill because it wasn't put away! OHMYGAWD....

Next was Lazyass sporting the iPod touch that she got for Christmas and her earphones on. She couldn't find a bowl and I told her they were dirty but to look in the cabinet intending for her to use one of the old bowls we still have up there. I turn around and she had poured an envelope of strawberry oatmeal into a big ass serving bowl that looked like a trough!!! I asked her what the hell was she thinking, and pointed to the other ones I meant for her to use! Apparently the stupid clouded her vision because she STILL didn't notice them until I pulled one out! I poured the contents of the other bowl into the new smaller one. I put the trough over her face and asked "SERIOUSLY?? You were going to use this thing that's bigger than your head!?" She just looked at me with a blank look on her face and said "I THOUGHT THAT'S THE ONE YOU MEANT." Oh lord help me...

For 5 day's now I have been tending to two sick kids. Badass still doesn't feel good. He has had a cough and a fever that comes and goes. My poor baby... Luckily he's been too sick to be true to his name despite the fact that he keeps shoving his foot in my face telling me to SMELL IT TOES!!! And when I don't he likes to shove his foot down the front of my shirt. I don't get it but I just roll my eyes and dismiss it because he's sick. Smartass has been testing my patience along with the other two who came down with the STUPID. I know she's 17 but I have low tolerance for huffing and puffing.

My children are extremely lucky we have lost all the foam bullets for the Nerf guns during our shootouts and that I never got the super duper big one with the belt straps that I wanted for Christmas so I can look like Pancho Villa. The husband thinks i'm stupid that I have this image in my head of laying in the prone position on the balcony above the garage. I would even go to the extreme of wearing some sort of camoflauge blanket over me so I don't get spotted. When the kids get home from school I would stand up and empty my clips and yell like Sylvester Stallone in RAMBO!!! "AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!!!!!!" You guys have your dreams, I have mine.

Anyway, if I did have my ideal Nerf gun with a clip I would line up my kids when they got on my nerves and go at it like one of those carnival games with the ducks. I would sit on the couch as they take a few steps to the left and can't change direction until I hit them! The game would go on until I ran out of foam bullets or until I got bored.... ((sigh)) And don't you dare judge me, that is a far better alternative to some of these stupid parent's who are abusive and beat the shit out of their kids!!! Don't even get me started about what I think those parent's deserve because it may be used against me in a court of law!!! With that said, go on and get your Nerf guns, you know you wanna!!! NERF FUN FOR EVERYONE!!!

I love my kids to death but I have a feeling they are also going to be the death of me. Since the husband has banned any other children from ever coming out of my womb, I think he should get me some Minions like the ones from Dispicable Me. My absolute favorite is the one that Edith accuses of making a big ol' mess and he's all "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" So adorable!!! If I had a Minion for each kid that we have I think I would be more of a pleasure to be around! If the kids come down with the STUPID or worse, the IDONTWANNA, you can send them to their room and bring out the Minion!!! They're cute and funny and will do WHATEVER you ask them to do without question! If your lucky you can even have them do a performance of COPA CABANA!!! I heart Minions...

Anyway, I have to go now, Badass just stepped on his toy airplane and yelled "AAAUGH, STUPID THING!"... ((sigh))

One thing for sure... my job is never dull...