Mommy White Lies...

As parent's we tell kids lies sometimes to protect them. We don't want them to get hurt so we tell them things for their own good. Sometimes we don't LIE we just don't tell them the whole truth so they don't freak out! Then there's other times when we just can't help ourselves....

Child: "Mommy, can I use your iPod?"
Me: (not wanting to share) "Not now baby, it has to charge!"

Maybe it's just me and my demented friends but we like to tell little white lies when we are just too damn tired to read, play, share, tell them the truth about stuff or buy crap we said we were going to but we freaking forgot!!! I could not even BEGIN to tell you how many times have I gone to the store and "forgot" things. My husband already gets mad at me because I tend to forget things he asks for ALMOST all the time!!! I don't do it on purpose and I totally HATE writing lists. I blame it on the kids for making me stupid. Regardless, the husband made me download an app on my phone that we can BOTH access. Say Im at the store and I remember to use my list. If he's at home, opens the fridge and SHIT, there's no milk, he will add MILK to the list and POP! it will show up on my phone to pick up some milk. The first time we used this I was PMSing and he told me to pick up a new attitude.... Ha ha ha very funny....

Anyway, this story isn't about husbands with a witty sense of humor, its about moms and their abilities to manipulate their children into believing that the tooth fairy must have had wayyyyy too many teeth to pick up last night because there is NO way in hell they would of missed them on purpose! Meanwhile Mommy was busy catching up on Vampire Diaries on the DVR and forgot to get the tooth before going to bed. THEN Mommy was busy sleeping and drooling on herself while dreaming about being in a big empty house that was magically clean and I was in a bathtub filled with bubbles and candles everywhere and absolutely NO Thomas the Tank Engine toys chugging up my ass!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL I was going to remember to get up early and do the ol' switcharoo with the baggie with the tooth in it and the "new" baggie with the mula!!! OOPS!!! My bad....

Me: "Don't worry baby, the tooth fairy will come back tomorrow and she will come to your house first and probably even give you extra money because she felt bad she wasn't able to get to you last night!"

My best friend recently came to me for confession. Okay so i'm not a priest and my phone is NOT a confessional, but 'in a way' its the same thing with moms. We might feel a bit guilty about something but it's okay, because if you tell a fellow mom you feel bad, your absolved of all wrongdoings!!!

TAKE 3 SHOTS OF TEQUILA,  RECITE GREEN EGGS AND HAM 2 TIMES AND WATCH CAILLOU 1 TIME

 AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN!!!!!

((If you have NEVER watched Caillou, count yourself lucky. My son watches that show religiously and I just can't stand that little bald boy with the annoying voice- Caillou, not my son... My son isn't bald!!! One show and you just wanna shake the SHIT outta him!!!))


Friend's son: (wanted to play a card game with his mom and went to find it)  "Oh no, I didn't put it back last time and I don't remember where I put it last so now we can't play! I guess that's what I get for not cleaning up the way you told me"  (sad face)

Friend to son: "I guess so buddy. Maybe we will find it later."

Friend's Confession: "The REAL truth was that I had found it and knew damn well where it was but I am so fricken tired and fried that I lied and said I didn't know where it could possibly be because I didn't wanna play with my kid!... I'm going to hell..."

(With my best game show host voice)

OHHHH no you are NOT my friend!!!

You just do the 3-2-1's and ALL will be forgiven!!!

We've all told the regular socially acceptable lies- There IS a Santa so you need to stop hitting your sister or he's not going to get you anything!!! How about that creepy one about a giant rabbit that breaks into your house and leaves candy but hides eggs??? REALLY??? I don't know how the hell kids ever believe that one...

Child: "MOM, DID YOU GET THE ICE CREAM I TEXTED YOU ABOUT?"

Me: "THEY WERE ALL OUT"

TRUTH: Mommy was in line at Starbucks ordering a Vanilla Hazelnut Frappaccino with whipped cream when you texted me so I forgot all about it by the time I finished shopping...

"Mommy and Daddy need to go upstairs and "talk" about birthday present ideas for you guys so we're going to turn up the TV so you don't hear us. Don't come knocking on the door and bother us or your not gonna get ANYTHING...." (That one was my friends version but i'm sure we have MANY!!!) Sometimes you can't fit it in at night so you gotta fit it in whenever you can. And, it's kinda hard to have crazy monkey lovin' with your husband when you have kids screaming on the other side of the door

Kid: "MOOOOM, can I come in???"

Together you and your husband yell: "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Kid: "BUT SO AND SO WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Us: "GO DOWNSTAIRS AND WATCH TV, WE'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!!"

Well not "a minute" but we somehow act more afraid of the kids coming back to knock on the door than I am having my mom read this shit right now... WHATEVER, it's not like I had them kids magically!!! When we're done I give the husband a pat on the ass like they do in football, say "GOOD GAME" and off I go...

"MOM, WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?" It used to be that parent's would tell them the stork will bring them to the doorstep and POOF! a new baby!!! My mom had the best stories. She told my older brother that she wanted a baby so bad that she was finally blessed with a big baby boy! Aww, how CUTE!!! She told me my chinese mom left me on the doorstep with a note that asked my mom to "Please take care of my baby. I am unable to care for her right now but I will be back for her when she turns 18." My mom was SOOOOO happy because she always wanted a little girl so she took me in and took care of me. On my 18th birthday I asked here where my real mom was....

She also had a story for my little brother. She told him that she was out shopping at Kmart and found him on sale in the toy aisle! She thought he was SOOoooOOOoo cute so she took him home!!!

And people wonder why i'm not "normal"....