Thursday, February 16, 2012

uh....where's mom???


I think all kids have some sort of A.D.D... Only, I don't think they inherit the gene from the parents, I think they somehow pass it ON to the parents....

When I was little my mom would go ape shit when we would be at the grocery store (damn grocery store again...). ANYWAY, one second I would be following her around the grocery store the next I would give her a heart attack because she didn't see me. That's because I would always wander off to the greeting card section and read all the "FUNNY" cards!!!

I know, I know, it's SO hard to believe that "I" would do something like that!!!


 I wonder what the hell my 3 year old is thinking when one second he's all trying to "comfort" me from being sad that he didn't give me a kiss, the next second he is yelling "OH, MY LIGHTMING QUEEN!!!" because he noticed his damn car on the floor as he was hugging me...

Raise your hands if any of you EVER did this... I KNOW i'm not the only one so don't even act like your all innocent...

I dont know how many times i'm standing/sitting there all excited that my kids are telling me a story. ANY story, doesn't even matter what it's about, i'm just tickled that they are trusting me to share their everyday lives with me. I don't care if it's the 3, 7, 11, or 17 yr old, i'm all ears!!! I WANT to listen. It's my duty!!! It's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do!!! I give them my undevided attention and listen to what they have to say..............

Kid: So today at school so and so ..........................................then the story goes on ................................. and on ....................and on............... and ..... on .............. and ................................................... on .................................................................... and on ....................................... and on ..................

Then all of a sudden....

I stop listening!!!!

I start to wonder- Oh. My. Gaaaaaaawd.... WHEN are you gonna stop talking??? Does this story have an end??? Crap, I need milk! Maybe I will text the teen and ask her to pick up a gallon when she get's offa work. I don't wanna go all the way to the damn store just for milk. I need a cow... Crap! I don't have any cash on me right now to pay her back. I will just give her some next time I'm at the store and I can get some cash. Damnit, I need to write a check for Kissass, she said she doesn't have any money in her account for lunches.... Lunch... Ugh...i'm hungry. I could totally go for a carne asada burrito... I wonder what I should make for dinner??? What in the world is Lazyass doing here? OH - MY - GAWD, she's STILL talking??? Damn, this girl can TALK!!! I wonder where she get's THAT from!!?? HOLY SHIT, I forgot what she was saying!!!  PLEASE DONT' ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE STORY, PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE STORY...


Then she hits me with:

Kid: " SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, MOM???

Me: That's cool...

Kid: "COOL!!! So what time should I tell my friend to be ready so we can pick her up and go to the mall before my sleepover? OH and can you stop by a Redbox and pick up that movie I told you about? Thanks!!!???"

Me: Crap...





I have been a Stay-at-Home mom for almost 12 years. I cannot tell you how many times I have TUNED OUT... You almost have to do it just to keep yourself sane. My time in the car, for example, is MY time. I will turn on the radio to MY station, sing along and the kids need to leave me the fuck ALOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!! If you're not singing along to the the song that is playing, you should not be opening your mouth!!! Whip out your DS, iPod, or book...  I ain't gonna lie, I sometimes wanna turn the radio up ALL the way just so they don't bother me for a good 10 minutes, is THAT too much to ask for???!!! After a few songs, i'm good!!! I'm back to reality! The kids are slugging eachother for spotting a red SLUG BUG, someone got hit too hard and is tattling from the back of the minivan, Badass is whinning cuz he can't watch Netflix on my iPod and keeps bugging me to use my phone, the teen is texting away to her friends about how bored she is BUT she's going to the mall so it's fine and WHY THE HELL DOES MY JAW KEEP CLICKING WHILE I'M CHEWING MY GUM!!!???

One of these day's, without warning, i'm going to just stop what i'm doing and walk the fuck out. Chopping onions? Not anymore... Mom's walking outta the house!!! We're out of toothpaste? Oh well... Can't find any underwear??? TOO FUCKEN BAD!!!! Mommy's not here!!!

I'm going to run away from home. They're not going to be able to find me either. They're just gonna think that I fucking LOST IT!!! Kinda makes me wonder if anybody WOULD come looking for me though??? The husband might start calling lawyers and see how soon they can expidite a divorce so he can marry the skinny chick with the hooters falling out everywhere on the Food Network. He has already trained the 7 and 11 yr old to say Giada De Laurentiis is their new step-mom!!!

                                                                (new Step-mom....)



Many times i've sat back and imagined of just walking the hell out! Just me, a book, my iPod, my phone, a flashlight, a bottle of water, some pringles and a Snuggie!!! I would go to the storm drain down the street and make a little camping spot!!! OCCUPY STORMDRAIN!!!



I've also daydreamed of pulling a Thelma and Louise, hopping in my car, and just TAKING OFF!!! I would probably kidnap my sister in law in Texas, my friend in Vegas, ANYONE willing to come with me!! Not a care in the world!!! No kids, no vaccuming, no cleaning, no laundry, no dusting, no shopping, no sweeping, no responsibilities- just me and them and the wind in our hair!!!!! We would be like fugitives on the run, only no one is chasing us, we are running AWAY from them!!! OH, and in my "pretending" I have a really cool sporty convertible too!!! Only, they would have to sit on eachothers lap because for some weird reason, the passenger seat is missing!!! ((go figure!!??))





Who am I kidding....

REALITY CHECK:

All three of us will be sitting in my shitty candy infested, McDonalds smelling MILFmobile in the Walmart parking lot wondering what the fuck we are doing!!?? Neither of our broke asses have any money so we can't get gas, food or even a hotel room to stay in! Because we were so excited to leave, nobody packed shit! We look like crap and we're all on the rag so we can't even whore ourselves to make money!!! Best chance we have is commiting a bank robbery but all I have is an empty wallet, Pull-ups and a crap load of grocery store receipts in my purse!!! I don't think I can hold up a bank with my damn lipgloss and a stick of gum!!! Plus, I HIGHLY doubt my stupid Ford is up to a high speed chase!!! I would have to call AAA to find me in the desert and bring me a tank of gas and a new tire! And just our luck, one of us will feel guilty because we need to hurry up and be back home cuz one of the kids has a field trip in the morning and we promised them to make them a sack lunch!!!

DAMNIT!!!

I can't even PRETEND right!!!!!!!!!!!


















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