When I was growing up and my brother and I would act bad when we would be at the store my mom wanted NOTHNG to do with us. On more than one occasion she would load up the car and not let us in. She would start to drive off and me and my brother would just sit there and yell that "WE WILL BEHAVE, WE WILL BEHAVE, JUST PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US!!!!!!!" And in the car we went and we were the best brother and sister ever!!! God forbid we ever ran around the house like crazy people while my mom was cooking because she would turn around and smack us in the ass with the spoon she was JUST using to make dinner! One time while I was sitting in the back seat I put my slippers up on the middle console of the car. My mom looked down and saw that they were warn out and ripped the shoe off my foot and flung it out the window!!! I cried and screamed so much that after we got home, my mom took me back up the road where I had to get out of the car and get my own damn slipper off the dirt hill behind the Baskin Robbins where my mom threw my shoe at! She said she got irritated at my shoe and throwing it out the window was the only thing she could think of to do at the moment... To this day she laughs when she remembers how upset I got that she threw my damn slipper out the window!!!
Once upon a time when my oldest was little I was at the grocery store with my best friend. A guy that worked at the in-store bank was on his break and was walking with us because he had a crush on my friend. She was pushing the cart talking to the guy as I was walking around throwing things into the basket. She was just yapping to the guy paying no attention to my daughter when all of a sudden my daughter starts unzipping my friends shirt. Me and the guy just stood there with our mouths to the floor. Luckily no wardrobe malfunctions occured but the guy wanted to hi-5 my daughter! To this day my friend has never EVER worn zip up anythings with just a bra underneath. As if embarrassing my friend at the store wasnt good enough, my friend once was babysitting my oldest for me while I was either at school or at work and she was blasting music in the car. My friend busted out laughing when my daughter belts out "AUNTIE ANNA HOOTCHIE MAMA" while listening to 2 Live Crew's Hootchie Mama... ((sigh)) When the oldest was about 12 we let her watch The Blair Witch Project. Scared the SHIT outta her. She was totally convinced it was real and me and the husband totally made her think it was. For months she would go onto "the website" that would tell her all about it and she was so worried about the kids in the movie that died! Eventually we caved and told her it was all made up. She STILL didn't believe us which made it THAT much funnier to us!!! Maybe that's twisted but, it was funny as hell!!!
My second daughter used to LOVE the movie Lilo & Stitch. She thought it was hilarious how Lilo would act like Elvis Presley eventhough she had absolutely no clue who he was. Once upon a time when I was grocery shopping I was trying to find something in an aisle. One of the workers in the store was walking by to put something away in the aisle when all of a sudden my daughter say's out loud "THAT'S A HUNKA HUNKA MAAAN..." Yes the guy heard. Yes he laughed. Yes I turned red... ((sigh)) Last night we let the 11 year old watch Paranormal Activity on Netflix in our room while we watched other stuff on the downstairs TV. We didn't FORCE her, she wanted to so we decided to let her watch it! Concerned because we know she freaks out at scary movies my loving husband went to go and check in on her. All I would hear was his footsteps going up the stairs, then nothing. All of a sudden I would hear "AAAAAAH!!!" And the 11 year old would SCREAM at the top of her lungs! All I could do was laugh!!! Fucked up? Maybe. Funny as hell? HELL YES!!!!!!!! One of the times the husband went to scare her he said she was laying on her stomach watching the movie and she literally JUMPED all the way to the other side of the bed!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
The next daughter never really did anything embarrassing that sticks out but she did scare the shit outta me. She did NOT enjoy the transition to the big girl bed. She used to wake up in the middle of the day or night and wanted to come sleep in my bed. I wanted her to get used to sleeping in her own bed so I would always send her back. Sometimes I would RUN to my room and lock the door so she wouldn't come in!!! She would run after me, rattle the door and yell "LET ME IIIIIIIN!!!!!! OPEN THE DOOOOOOOR!!!! I WANNA COME IN!!!!" I used to sit on the middle of my bed rocking back and fourth like I was scared she was gonna come in and kill me. "GO AWAY!!! JUST GO BACK TO BED!!!" I would tell my husband I was scared that one day she would come into my room and smother me with the pillow for not letting her in the room!!! After a LOOOOONG while she stopped doing it and got used to her own bed. But I think she's paying me back for all those times I didn't let her in my room. To this day, at 7 1/2, she comes into my room like a freaking stalker! She stands next to me without saying anything until I toss and turn and "happen" to see her. I am totally not kidding when I say one time I almost punched her because she scared the living shit outta me!!! In my defense I did NOT punch her but I also had NO idea it was her at the time!!! All I could say when I realized it was her was "DON'T BE DOING THAT SHIT!!! IF YOU COME INTO SOMEONE'S ROOM, MAKE SURE THEY KNOW YOU'RE THERE OR YOU CAN GET HURT!!! All she did was stare at me and calmly say, "OKAY"... I don't feel safe... i'm still scared of her... I think I need therapy.
My son... oh my son. My son has done more shit to me that I have no choice but to roll my eyes and just let things happen. How many times have I gone to the grocery store and had people laugh at me because my son has BOTH his hands on me "honking" my boobs... Mind you im a little on the short side. I'm short enough that my boobs practically rest on the handle of the grocery cart. When my son was smaller, he thought it was hilarious that he could just reach in front of him and my boobs were RIGHT there... So, after trying to push away and tell him to STOP HONKING MY BOOBS! It became a useless fight. He would not just honk ONE boob but both. Then he would just sit there with his hands on my boobs and be cracking up! I am at the point where I don't even care but everyone else in the store thinks it's hilarious to walk by me with this little boy with a huge grin on his face "honking" his mom's boobs... ((sigh)) But seriously, what the hell is wrong with boys??? He is NOT going to like it when he's older and I remind him that he used to be obssessed with honking my boobs. Then he's gonna HATE me when I tell him that when he was little he used to pat my boobs and say, "AAAWWW, MOMMY'S BOOBIES PREEEEETTY"................
Dude. Get away from me.
I'm not looking forward to all the weird boy things too. I'm still freaked out when he messes with his NUTS! DON'T DO THAT SHIT IN FRONT OF ME!!!! My husband thinks its hilarious. My best friend's son had me almost peeing myself with laughter!!! When her youngest son was little she would go grocery shopping minding her own business when all of a sudden she would turn around to see that her son was hunched down with his junk pushed against the metal devider in the grocery cart seat as he was going crazy humping the bar!!! She would freak out because he would NOT stop!!! There she was in the middle of the aisle trying to get him to stop violating the grocery cart but he would ignore her until he was "DONE"!!!! DONE WITH WHAT!!!!???? Your 4!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!???
Oh. My. Gawd....
So if you ever see me at the infamous grocery store where apparently ALL things happen and you hear me lose it and tell my kids "IF YOU DON'T STOP ACTING STUPID I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AND DOWN THIS AISLE", just walk away. I have always told them that but I have never actually done it... YET... Chances are I won't know who you are and I might just bust you in the chops because the kids have driven me crazy. It's things like this that makes me wonder:
1. What did I do to deserve this?
2. How am I not in a psychiatric ward?
3. How the hell do I ever leave the house WITH my kids
4. Why the hell do I go to the gawdamn grocery store so much!!!???
If you care about me at all, you will take me to a nice white padded room where I can get 3 square meals a day and nothing but SILENCE all day everyday. I may even get to take a few colored pills to make me feel all warm and fuzzy....
my kids....
Oh. my. GAWD. You've done it again! I'm laughing so hard I can't even think of a response!! lol
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