Teens can be hazardous to your health

YES YES YES, i know it's been way too long since i've been on here bitching and complaining about all the insanity the kids drive me to but I promise you I wouldn't of been gone if I didn't have a very good reason...

The kids drove me to the state of Insanity and literally threw me the fuck out the car without stopping!!! Mind you the Teen was driving so HELL NO she wasn't going to stop!!! Is it horrible that I can't wait til' she turns 18 so I can call her a bitch and not look like a shitty mom?

WHATEVER DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!

Okay so i'm going to take baby steps... I've had a whirlwind of shit to share but I don't even know where to begin... so, i'm going to begin at the most recent...

MY KID is going to be a student at the local community college. I seriously have no FUCKING idea how the hell she graduated with some of the shit that she concocts in her head but either way, she will soon be a slave to The Man.... Last night while walking by her room I decided to ask her when she was starting school since I had no fucking idea. I was assuming this was top secret G-14 classified information BUT I thought, what the hell, it would be good for me to know... So I walk in, make a witty remark in which we both cackle together while hugging eachother in laughter... oh shit, nevermind...

Loreli and Rory Gilmore we are NOT.....

Me: "HEY, SO, UH, WHEN DO YOU START SCHOOL?"

Teen: "THE 22ND, I SWEAR I TOLD YOU"...

uh.. no she didn't...

Me: "UH, NO YOU DIDN'T. WHATEVER, HAVE YOU PAID FOR YOUR CLASSES OR DO YOU AT LEAST KNOW WHAT THE AMOUNT IS THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY?"

(Mind you, MONTHS ago, she had mentioned it would be like $800 not including books per semester. SINCE then, me and the husband have been telling her to save her money and stop spending it like nothing so she can help pay for school... She would roll her eyes and pretty much "whatevered" us... Same general reaction when we told her all senior year about applying for scholarships, which, incidentally- she never did)

Here I am waiting to hear something in the $700 dollar range more or less and she busts out with...

Teen: "I HAVEN'T PAID BECAUSE I'M STILL WAITING FOR FINANCIAL AID TO COME THROUGH TO MY ACCOUNT NEXT MONTH AND THEN I'LL KNOW FOR SURE BUT FOR NOW, IT'S LIKE FOUR THOUSAND SOMETHING..." and continues texting her friend not lifting her head as if it's no big deal....

Fighting EVERY fucking urge in my body to walk across the room, snatch her phone and shatter it against the wall I calmly say

Me: "FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!??? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EIGHT HUNDERED???!!!"

Still not picking up her head she says in a matter-of-fact voice....

Teen: "I SAID IT WOULD BE $800 FOR BOOKS".......

I walk over, smack the phone out of her hand and shake the SHIT out of her as if she was some sort of human piggy bank and $4000 was going to fall out of her ass!!!!!!!!!

OKAY OKAY PUT THE DAMN PHONE DOWN AND STOP TRYING TO CALL CPS- I totally didn't but I TOTALLY WANTED TO!!!!!!! Instead I told her that I guess texting is more important than talking about this school shit with me and walked away hyperventilating and not knowing if it was because she must be borderline retarded or because I'm trying to figure out how many fucken John's i'm going to have to whore myself to in order to put ALL 4 of my kids through school!!!!!!!!

As it turned out, I contacted one of MY friends and got an estimate on how much HER son was going to pay this semester at the same fucken school and she said roughly $1000!!! ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!! Uh... let's do the math here.... roughly $1000 sounds an aweful close to the $800 she originally told us instead of the $4500 she was going to just bow down and fucken pay to the damn school!!!!!!!!!!! Turns out these fuckers had her down as having to pay out of state tuition and registration... MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever... In the meantime, I'm going to be nursing a teenage caused migraine at a 2 hour cheerleading practice for 2 of my girls while trying to chase after my 3 year old Badass in a football field that I HOPE we don't get monsooned on........ I will be the one rocking back and fourth hugging myself rockin' a brand new hair-do!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!!

Hugs and cheers and screams could be heard throughout the house as all the greatful children can be heard loudly showing their appreciation to the woman who does EVERYTHING for them without question - simply because she loves them. They squeeze extra hard and give her a soft WAY TO GO MOM punch on the shoulder for all the times she came to the rescue and brought you your school ID because you forgot it in your room, for bringing you your homework to school because you forgot it on the couch, for bringing you your cross country uniform because you forgot it in the dryer and you have a meet that afternoon, for allowing you to sleep in her bed at night despite the fact that you wake her up at crack ass in the morning and slap her, kick her and hog the bed all night despite the fact that you are a small human being who say's he's "scared" to sleep in his room....

REALITY CHECK!!!!!

..... I think I should of gotten THIS card for Mother's Day.....

I don't know about you, but HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY doesn't mean SHIT in this household!!! I HEAR the words but they hold NO meaning!!!!!!! I'm better off Netflixing an old Cosby Show episode where Claire might be getting the full queen treatment complete with a tiara, manicures, pedicures, massages, obedient kids that smile and ask IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WOULD LIKE FOR US TO DO FOR YOU, MOTHER???

Don't get me wrong,  I am so not an ungreatful bitch! I do acknowledge that I get gifts, I get the silly cards, the nice cards, the undercooked or overcooked breakfast that tastes like the BEST-BREAKFAST-i'd-ever-had-in-my-life-but-can-I-please-have-more-juice/iced tea-to-wash-this-down, nice dinner... but in between eating my breakfast and dinner, I get a whole lotta NOTHING!!!

Today was an exception, the kids made me a fantastic breakfast of Nutella crepes stuffed with strawberries and banana's and topped with whipped cream. It's soooo not on my diet plan and I'm sure I will get shit for it but OH MY GAWD was it good!!!!! After breakfast I sat on the couch for a while and tried hard not get up and tend to a few things that were clearly annoying the shit outta me but decided to not do anything because i'm sure the husband had told the kids what he tells them EVERY year... "HELP OUT YOUR MOM OR SO HELP ME I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS IF I FIND OUT YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!"

Isn't he just the sweetest man EVERRRR??????

Eventually I put down the 3 year old for a nap, the 7 year old was already napping on cue- I had told her to go clean her room. I headed into my room and got myself ready for the day. I decided I was gonna get some peace and quiet, because after all, isn't that what Mother's Day is all about? Running away and hiding from the very creatures that are the reason why you celebrate this day in the first place??? HELL YES!!! It's the ONLY day of the year that you should be allowed to do absolutely NOTHING and not feel guilty about it! No chores, no answering to the ...

"MOM, CAN YOU.......?"

"NOOOOO!!!!!!!! Now go away!!!" 

It's the day where you should be allowed to hide out, eat old Girl Scout Cookies, inhale tubs of ice cream, read, watch movie marathons of all the shit the kids don't let you watch because their hogging the TV with their damn shows ranging from cartoons with creepy characters that must of been created by someone tripping on acid to shows about horny teenage kids who dress like sluts and have kids and apparently live on their own because their parent's are never around- and people wonder why they dress like sluts and have kids...

Today I decided to head out to the store and run a few errands WITHOUT any children since I had a list of stuff they knew I wanted them to do. Apparently MY children misunderstood my leaving as permission to watch TV and go and lazy around in their rooms and fall asleep. The "Help your mom and do things around the house so she doesn't have to do anything" plea from the husband goes in one ear and out the other!!!

I was out for about an hour and a half. They had PLENTY of time to finish the random shit I asked them to do but when I walk in the door two of the kids are still in their pajamas, the boy is still sleeping and I believe the teen had finally gotten out of bed and was fixing her hair since she had to work tonight...

OH. MY. GAWD...

I come home with a few groceries and a dried up crepe is still sitting on the kitchen counter, stuff from our mall trip yesterday is STILL in the front room eventhough I asked the kids to put their stuff away, there's an Ethiopian kid standing in my kitchen wondering how to open my fridge...I mean SHIT is everywhere and I finally lost it and yelled at EVERYONE to get their asses downstairs and pick up all their crap! WHEN THE FUCK did Mother's Day turn into, OKAY, WE KISSED YOUR ASS THIS MORNING SO WE DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT THE REST OF THE DAY Kid's Day???

They're so lucky that I could get into serious trouble if I decided to administer ass beatings upon waking Mother's Day morning. And the husband STILL refuses to get me the highly requested Nerf Disk gun with fast reload so I can shoot the kids when I feel like it! I'm sure adoption is outta the question because usually people only wanna adopt cute little kids that they can help mold into fine members of society, NOT kids who roll their eyes, act like air heads when they feel like it or 3 year old boys who get a kick out of calling their mom by their first name. And i'm not completely cold hearted- I haven't left them in a dumpster because I'd feel bad if they didn't get picked up and they get cold and hungry and I haven't traveled to China to leave them in an orphanage, 1. because I don't have the money 2. because I'm almost afraid that they would try and return them before I leave the country...

I did get over it after yelling at them a bit. I did NOT want to go on all day being mad at them. I even asked the husband not to say anything to them for me (eventhough I accidentally ratted the kids out to him!!) They realized they screwed up, did what they needed too and all was hunky dory. We shared laughs, hugs, smiles took a few funny pics with the teen, had a delicious dinner which even the teen was able to join us because she got home a bit early from work. I love my kids with all my heart and like I've said before I would KILL someone if they ever did anything to harm my kids... but OH MY GAWD do they drive me nuts!!!!! One of these day's i'm going to send President Brotha' Man a bill for the $118,000 some odd dollars that they say a Stay-at-home mom would earn for all the shit she does!!!

 I don't take being a stay-at-home mom for granted. I appreciate the humor of raising kids because I know it's not an easy job and because I know there are many out there who can't afford to adopt, can't conceive or may have lost a child they can no longer scold, tease, hold in their arms or tell them I LOVE YOU...

Hope you all had a fantastic Mother's Day!

Diet- WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!!???

After jumping on the scale and seeing numbers that made me want to run to the toilet and vomit everything I've had eaten for the past 6 months, I decided back in July to jump on the bandwagon with other friends and do a 12 Week Body Makeover Challenge. It was put on by my trainer friend Your Blondiness (as I've dubbed her). Her timing could not have been more perfect!!! All I kept thinking was

HOW IN THE LIVING SHIT DO I WEIGH MORE ALMOST 2 YEARS 'AFTER' GETTING A DAMN TUMMY TUCK????

I don't care if you all know my before and afters, i'm not embarrassed... Some years back I decided it was time that I cut off that excess nasty shit that was flopping around my midsection. I hated that everytime I would get my jeans on I would look at my flap of fat and sing

"DOES YOUR FAT HANG LOW, DOES IT WOBBLE TO AND FRO, CAN YOU TIE IT IN A KNOT CAN YOU TIE IT IN A BOW? CAN YOU THROW IT OVER YOUR SHOULDER LIKE A CONTINENTAL SOLDIER, DOES YOUR FAT HANG LOW???"

YES GAWDAMNIT!!! I CAN ANSWER YES TO ALL THOSE QUESTIONS!!!! That was just nasty!!! I cant tell you how many times did I spent 10 minutes TUCKING IN my damn fat flab INTO my jeans just so I can LOOK like I have a waist??? GROSS!!!! And after breast feeding 4 kids, ONE who did not want to get off the tit til she was 13 months, my damn boobs looked like long ass socks with tennis balls inside them!!! I could wear them as a damn scarf and keep my neck warm all year long!!!!!

AND MY "NIPPLES"!!!! OH. MY. GAAAAAAWD!!!! They were the size of dinner plates!!! I could TOTALLY have ran out to the AMAZON JUNGLES and be part of some crazy native tribe clicking away chasing around the 14 kids I would be forced to breastfeed!!! I would have feathers in my hair, live in a teepee made of leaves and my name would be Flappy!!! I don't understand how anyone can feed a kid longer than a year. One of my kids was attatched to my boob. She could NOT say no.. I had so much trouble getting her off it was ridiculous!

The straw that broke the camels back??? The month before my surgery was scheduled I was at a Quincenera (a 15 year old coming of age party for mexican girls for those who don't know). I ws wearing this dress with double sided tape to keep the front from moving around. It wasn't a bad dress. But how embarrassing when your dad is trying to get your attention so that you can tuck yourself in because your gigantic areola is falling out!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!

Anyway, THANK GAWD for plastic surgery. I got like 2 feet cut off from my stomach and got the boobs lifted to where they were SUPPOSED to be. Which was good because I was starting to feel bad when in the dark of our room my husband was trying to cop a feel and I had to tell him that it wasn't my boob he was fondling, it was my gut!!!! But what a waste. I got to a point where I was going to the actual gym at LEAST once a week but was not really motivated. I did that for like a year. Even trained for and ran a half marathon!!! Still, nothing. BEFORE my surgery I weighed 155 lbs. So imagine how pissed I was when last July I jumped on the scale and saw that it was up to 163!!!! OH HEEEEEELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!

My trainer sweetened the pot and told everyone that we can actually win MONEY!!!!! SIGN ME UP!!!!! There was like 50 of us who signed up and were on a mission!!! We were going to lose that damn weight once and for all!!!!!!!! For 12 weeks we bitched and complained about choking down oatmeal and eggs for breakfast!!! I never shit so much in my life! I was so regular I was shitting oatmeal for weeks!!! I couldn't go for walks without scheduling time to take a dump!!! I carted around my damn protein shakes so I can chug them after my workouts, I had dreams of pasta, breads and potatoes for months!!! I got so gawdamn tired of chicken I started to cluck when I talked! I would have panic attacks at the grocery store because I would wander in the cookie aisle and I would have images of me ripping open all the Oreo's and eating them all!!! I would sit there and imagine myself running around the store trying to get away from the cops who were called because someone saw me dipping the Oreo's in the ice cream!!! I would send messages to the group on Facebook and tell them that I might need Your Blondiness to use the prize money to bail me out because I got arrested!!!! Some people were supportive and say WALK AWAY BRENDA, WALK AWAY!!! Others would do what I would of done and would say GET IT BRENDA OPEN THE BOX OF DONUTS!!!!!!!!! Bitches....

Then there was CHEAT MEALS!!! NOT to be mistaken with CHEAT DAY!!!! Once a week we were allowed to eat ONE CHEAT MEAL!!! It could be whatever we wanted it to be!!! Our entire lives revolved around WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HAVE FOR CHEAT MEAL!!!!!!

It became a covert mission to plan out what we were going to have. We had to coordinate parties and get togethers and anniversarys and birthday's!!! If it was going to be someones birthday that weekend, we had to save our meal for the gawdamn cake that they were going to have!!! If it was your anniversary that week, you bet your fat ass you aren't going to have any gawdamn lasagna tonight because you need to save it for your stupid celebration of how many years you have been together with the one you love blah blah BLAH!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GIVE ME A GAWDAMN BURGER WITH THE BUN!!!!!! You know how many times I went through the McDonalds drive through and ordered dinner for the family and had a gawdamn salad??? I LITERALLY threatened the kids that if they didn't give me a fucking fry they were going to be grounded!!!!!!!! Don't even walk around me with a Snickers because I would run and drop kick you and steal it from you!!! I was not above wrestling the 3 year old to take his sucker too!!! Of course, I also liked messing with my fellow dieters. I would send pictures of desserts an shit just to piss them off!!! HAHAHAAHA!!!!


In the end I lost 21 pounds and 12 inches!!!! Between me and a friend of mine we lost a fucking 2nd grader!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That is so awesome but so FUCKING NASTY!!!!!!!!!! In the end if you add up all our weight and inches lost we pretty much lost a a freaking car!!!!! I was so happy I could shit oatmeal for the next month!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't win the money but that's okay. I gained back my self confidence, my ability to walk around and sing I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT in my head BLAH BLAH BLAH... I WANTED THE GAWDAMN MONEY!!!!!

Why am I sharing this with you??? Because in 2 day's i'm going to start a SECOND 12 Week Makeover Challenge- Bikini Edition!!! No matter how much I was trying to run away from them, some of those damn pounds I lose fucken found me!!!

So watchout!!! If you see me at the gym, I have one thing in mind- FIND MY INNER SOFIA VERGARA, SALMA HAYAK and make it BETTER!!!!!!!

But if you see me in the grocery store hyperventalating because of a chocolate and carb deficiency, talk to me calmly because I may not recognize who you are. For all I know you can be a giant cupcake and I might just try and lick your face!!!!!!! If you care about me at ALL, just talk to me REAAAAALLY slowly and walk me AWAY from anything that is made of breads, sugar and anything with FLAVOR!!!!!!!! Remind me that it will ALL be worth it in the end and I will be able to look fucken hot in a string bikini if I just put the Twinkie down and stop threatening the poor teenager who works there because he's not willing to lose his life over a minimum wage job and a crazy lady whose eyes are popping out of her head!!!!

Oh... the husband lovingly reminded me that the week after i'm done with my challenge, MY TEEN GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL............. I don't know about you but I have two day's. I hope I make weigh in because Im about to go on a food coma.. THANKS HUSBAND... thanks for that wonderful news. If I go ape shit and need to kill someone, he's FIRST on the list.............

THE END

uh....where's mom???

I think all kids have some sort of A.D.D... Only, I don't think they inherit the gene from the parents, I think they somehow pass it ON to the parents....

When I was little my mom would go ape shit when we would be at the grocery store (damn grocery store again...). ANYWAY, one second I would be following her around the grocery store the next I would give her a heart attack because she didn't see me. That's because I would always wander off to the greeting card section and read all the "FUNNY" cards!!!

I know, I know, it's SO hard to believe that "I" would do something like that!!!


 I wonder what the hell my 3 year old is thinking when one second he's all trying to "comfort" me from being sad that he didn't give me a kiss, the next second he is yelling "OH, MY LIGHTMING QUEEN!!!" because he noticed his damn car on the floor as he was hugging me...

Raise your hands if any of you EVER did this... I KNOW i'm not the only one so don't even act like your all innocent...

I dont know how many times i'm standing/sitting there all excited that my kids are telling me a story. ANY story, doesn't even matter what it's about, i'm just tickled that they are trusting me to share their everyday lives with me. I don't care if it's the 3, 7, 11, or 17 yr old, i'm all ears!!! I WANT to listen. It's my duty!!! It's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do!!! I give them my undevided attention and listen to what they have to say..............

Kid: So today at school so and so ..........................................then the story goes on ................................. and on ....................and on............... and ..... on .............. and ................................................... on .................................................................... and on ....................................... and on ..................

Then all of a sudden....

I stop listening!!!!

I start to wonder- Oh. My. Gaaaaaaawd.... WHEN are you gonna stop talking??? Does this story have an end??? Crap, I need milk! Maybe I will text the teen and ask her to pick up a gallon when she get's offa work. I don't wanna go all the way to the damn store just for milk. I need a cow... Crap! I don't have any cash on me right now to pay her back. I will just give her some next time I'm at the store and I can get some cash. Damnit, I need to write a check for Kissass, she said she doesn't have any money in her account for lunches.... Lunch... Ugh...i'm hungry. I could totally go for a carne asada burrito... I wonder what I should make for dinner??? What in the world is Lazyass doing here? OH - MY - GAWD, she's STILL talking??? Damn, this girl can TALK!!! I wonder where she get's THAT from!!?? HOLY SHIT, I forgot what she was saying!!!  PLEASE DONT' ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE STORY, PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE STORY...

Then she hits me with:

Kid: " SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, MOM???

Me: That's cool...

Kid: "COOL!!! So what time should I tell my friend to be ready so we can pick her up and go to the mall before my sleepover? OH and can you stop by a Redbox and pick up that movie I told you about? Thanks!!!???"

Me: Crap...

I have been a Stay-at-Home mom for almost 12 years. I cannot tell you how many times I have TUNED OUT... You almost have to do it just to keep yourself sane. My time in the car, for example, is MY time. I will turn on the radio to MY station, sing along and the kids need to leave me the fuck ALOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!! If you're not singing along to the the song that is playing, you should not be opening your mouth!!! Whip out your DS, iPod, or book...  I ain't gonna lie, I sometimes wanna turn the radio up ALL the way just so they don't bother me for a good 10 minutes, is THAT too much to ask for???!!! After a few songs, i'm good!!! I'm back to reality! The kids are slugging eachother for spotting a red SLUG BUG, someone got hit too hard and is tattling from the back of the minivan, Badass is whinning cuz he can't watch Netflix on my iPod and keeps bugging me to use my phone, the teen is texting away to her friends about how bored she is BUT she's going to the mall so it's fine and WHY THE HELL DOES MY JAW KEEP CLICKING WHILE I'M CHEWING MY GUM!!!???

One of these day's, without warning, i'm going to just stop what i'm doing and walk the fuck out. Chopping onions? Not anymore... Mom's walking outta the house!!! We're out of toothpaste? Oh well... Can't find any underwear??? TOO FUCKEN BAD!!!! Mommy's not here!!!

I'm going to run away from home. They're not going to be able to find me either. They're just gonna think that I fucking LOST IT!!! Kinda makes me wonder if anybody WOULD come looking for me though??? The husband might start calling lawyers and see how soon they can expidite a divorce so he can marry the skinny chick with the hooters falling out everywhere on the Food Network. He has already trained the 7 and 11 yr old to say Giada De Laurentiis is their new step-mom!!!

                                                                (new Step-mom....)



Many times i've sat back and imagined of just walking the hell out! Just me, a book, my iPod, my phone, a flashlight, a bottle of water, some pringles and a Snuggie!!! I would go to the storm drain down the street and make a little camping spot!!! OCCUPY STORMDRAIN!!!

I've also daydreamed of pulling a Thelma and Louise, hopping in my car, and just TAKING OFF!!! I would probably kidnap my sister in law in Texas, my friend in Vegas, ANYONE willing to come with me!! Not a care in the world!!! No kids, no vaccuming, no cleaning, no laundry, no dusting, no shopping, no sweeping, no responsibilities- just me and them and the wind in our hair!!!!! We would be like fugitives on the run, only no one is chasing us, we are running AWAY from them!!! OH, and in my "pretending" I have a really cool sporty convertible too!!! Only, they would have to sit on eachothers lap because for some weird reason, the passenger seat is missing!!! ((go figure!!??))

Who am I kidding....

REALITY CHECK:

All three of us will be sitting in my shitty candy infested, McDonalds smelling MILFmobile in the Walmart parking lot wondering what the fuck we are doing!!?? Neither of our broke asses have any money so we can't get gas, food or even a hotel room to stay in! Because we were so excited to leave, nobody packed shit! We look like crap and we're all on the rag so we can't even whore ourselves to make money!!! Best chance we have is commiting a bank robbery but all I have is an empty wallet, Pull-ups and a crap load of grocery store receipts in my purse!!! I don't think I can hold up a bank with my damn lipgloss and a stick of gum!!! Plus, I HIGHLY doubt my stupid Ford is up to a high speed chase!!! I would have to call AAA to find me in the desert and bring me a tank of gas and a new tire! And just our luck, one of us will feel guilty because we need to hurry up and be back home cuz one of the kids has a field trip in the morning and we promised them to make them a sack lunch!!!

DAMNIT!!!

I can't even PRETEND right!!!!!!!!!!!

Petty Petty Princess....

We have all had moments where we just make a big deal out of nothing. I have over reacted over so many things I could write a book!!! But WHY do we let little things piss us off so much!!?? Because we're woman, HEAR US ROAR!!! We can be loving, caring, nurturing, guiding and protective. We can also be petty, bitchy, vindictive, ruthless animals!

The other night I was pretty worn out. No matter how worn out I get, my insomnia keeps me up. To make sure I can get some sleep I took a sleep aid that I get at the grocery store. Before heading to bed, the husband comes to tell me he put some clothes in the washing machine. He asked if I can throw them in the dryer before I go to bed because he needed them in the morning for work. No problem!!!. I love my husband and I will abide by my housewifely duties since he goes off to work every day and provides for our family. The LEAST I can do is put a load of his work clothes in the dryer. Not a big deal.

About half an hour later I head upstairs to check how much time is left the clothes. I figure, "it shouldn't be much longer"... I can have a snack, brush my teeth and i'm sure by the time i'm done I can just toss the shit in the dryer. By then, my sleep aid would have kicked in and I can go to bed....

1 HOUR AND 16 MINUTES LEFT!!!

WHAT THE HELL!!!??? I could NOT believe he put on all the "extras" to wash his little load of clothes!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???  The sleep aid kicked in and I was bitchy as all hell because NOW I had to make myself stay awake to make sure I get his shit in the dryer!!! Normally I wouldn't of cared because my insomnia would of made me stay up and I could of screwed around on the computer or watch TV to kill time before taking care of the laundry. Not tonight... tonight I was feeling petty!!!

So, there I am watching TV trying to stay up. I wanted to turn up the TV to wake him up and piss him off but he was going to get so mad because he had to be up in like 5 hours. Sometimes I tap his shoulder and try and wake him up but I wasn't gonna to do that tonight! So, there I am tossing and turning trying to watch the Investigation Discovery channel.. Probably not a good channel to watch when your in a bad mood. It's all about kidnappings, murder mysteries and whatnot...  OH WELL!!! It's not like I was taking notes!!!

Anyway, I kept looking at the husband, sticking out my tongue, calling him a JERK an ASSHOLE and flipping him off.... Yeah.... I was THAT tired and irritated... Still, that didn't make me happy. Part of me wanted to roll him off the bed. Part of me wanted to kick him but instead I flipped him off again. Somehow, giving someone the middle finger while they're sleeping and have their back to you doesn't quite do it for me. I WANTED him see me give him the ol' fuck you!!! Eventually I put the clothes in the dryer and there I was WIDE awake. In case you weren't aware, I'm a writer at heart. (no shit, huh!!??) So, I take out a piece of paper from the printer and write a note to get my frustrations out of my system so that I can go to sleep! I do this a lot when I need to get something off my chest. I think it was one of my nicest notes so it's not that big of a deal.

"Regardless if I didn't 'come upstairs' right away,

how about TELLING me you added a bunch of

"extras" to your wash leaving me NO choice but

to stay up til' 11pm to put your stuff in the dryer

as i'm FIGHTING my stupid sleeping pill because

you needed the stuff dried."

((sigh.... i feel MUCH better) I put it on his sink while I brushed my teeth, I wandered downstairs to double check the doors, came upstairs, went straight to bed. I slept like a baby. The next morning I didn't see the note so I figured, I threw it away before I went to bed. I text the husband and pretend all is hunky dory. I was happy thinking "I got the shit out of my system and I slept good so no harm done"...

Me: Morning handsome

Husband: Sorry I put the laundry on the long cycle last night...

Me: SHIT! I didn't see the note this morning so I thought maybe I DID throw it away like I thought I did. Sorry you read it...

Husband: Why ya writing me pissy notes? It's not like I did it on purpose...

Me: I'M SORRY, I was mad!!! I wanted to get it out so I can sleep since waking you up is not an option. Flipping you didn't cut it cuz you didn't see me!!!

Husband: You were gonna flip me? What out of bed? That's fucked up!!!

Me: OFF!!! I was flipping you OFF!!! I wouldn't roll you outta bed though I cannot confirm nor deny that the thought crossed my mind.

Husband: Whatever.

Notice how I clarified that I was flipping him OFF.... Way to go Brenda, that was SOOO much better!!!

((rolling my eyes at myself))

I know. I'm a retard.

I think THIS year for Valentines Day he's going to give me Divoce papers with a xerox copy of his middle finger....

Do kids drive parent's crazy or do parent's drive kids crazy???

When I was little my parent's, okay, my mom, used to tell me the most loving bedtime stories to get me all comfy and cozy and ready for a good nights rest. Mind you she would tell them to me in spanish so I will try my best to translate the stories a bit for you to understand. One of the stories she would tell us about was the one about "La Llorona" (The crying lady). It was about a woman in white who would roam around every river and creek looking for children to drag into their watery grave. Such a warm and fuzzy story isn't it!!?? Didn't help that we lived near a freaking creek down in the canyon at the end of the block!!! Another one of her favorites to tell us was about a boy who was asked by his mother to go to the store and buy some meat so she can make dinner. In this story the boy set off to buy the meat but on his way to the store found some friends and decided to play a dice game in which he gambled all his meat money away. Distrought, he tried to figure out a way to get his mom some meat. As he was walking around, he found a cemetary. There was a body in a casket that had not yet been put down into the ground so he went over and cut a chunk of the mans butt and brought it home. Mom was happy and they all had a nice dinner. Upon going to bed that night the boy thought he heard something. Yes, yes he did. He heard the zombie-like voice of a man (and yes, my mom would make the zombie voice) saying "I WANT MY PIECE OF MEEEEEEAT BAAAAACK"... Then my mom would say he was up at some intersection, then the voice was getting closer and closer to our house when all of a sudden "BOO!!!!" He was in the room!!!! She would kiss me goodnight and I was supposed to go to sleep.... WHAT THE FUCK???

When I was growing up and my brother and I would act bad when we would be at the store my mom wanted NOTHNG to do with us. On more than one occasion she would load up the car and not let us in. She would start to drive off and me and my brother would just sit there and yell that "WE WILL BEHAVE, WE WILL BEHAVE, JUST PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US!!!!!!!" And in the car we went and we were the best brother and sister ever!!! God forbid we ever ran around the house like crazy people while my mom was cooking because she would turn around and smack us in the ass with the spoon she was JUST using to make dinner! One time while I was sitting in the back seat I put my slippers up on the middle console of the car. My mom looked down and saw that they were warn out and ripped the shoe off my foot and flung it out the window!!! I cried and screamed so much that after we got home, my mom took me back up the road where I had to get out of the car and get my own damn slipper off the dirt hill behind the Baskin Robbins where my mom threw my shoe at! She said she got irritated at my shoe and throwing it out the window was the only thing she could think of to do at the moment... To this day she laughs when she remembers how upset I got that she threw my damn slipper out the window!!!


Once upon a time when my oldest was little I was at the grocery store with my best friend. A guy that worked at the in-store bank was on his break and was walking with us because he had a crush on my friend. She was pushing the cart talking to the guy as I was walking around throwing things into the basket. She was just yapping to the guy paying no attention to my daughter when all of a sudden my daughter starts unzipping my friends shirt. Me and the guy just stood there with our mouths to the floor. Luckily no wardrobe malfunctions occured but the guy wanted to hi-5 my daughter! To this day my friend has never EVER worn zip up anythings with just a bra underneath. As if embarrassing my friend at the store wasnt good enough, my friend once was babysitting my oldest for me while I was either at school or at work and she was blasting music in the car. My friend busted out laughing when my daughter belts out "AUNTIE ANNA HOOTCHIE MAMA" while listening to 2 Live Crew's Hootchie Mama... ((sigh)) When the oldest was about 12 we let her watch The Blair Witch Project. Scared the SHIT outta her. She was totally convinced it was real and me and the husband totally made her think it was. For months she would go onto "the website" that would tell her all about it and she was so worried about the kids in the movie that died! Eventually we caved and told her it was all made up. She STILL didn't believe us which made it THAT much funnier to us!!! Maybe that's twisted but, it was funny as hell!!!

My second daughter used to LOVE the movie Lilo & Stitch. She thought it was hilarious how Lilo would act like Elvis Presley eventhough she had absolutely no clue who he was. Once upon a time when I was grocery shopping I was trying to find something in an aisle. One of the workers in the store was walking by to put something away in the aisle when all of a sudden my daughter say's out loud "THAT'S A HUNKA HUNKA MAAAN..." Yes the guy heard. Yes he laughed. Yes I turned red... ((sigh)) Last night we let the 11 year old watch Paranormal Activity on Netflix in our room while we watched other stuff on the downstairs TV. We didn't FORCE her, she wanted to so we decided to let her watch it! Concerned because we know she freaks out at scary movies my loving husband went to go and check in on her. All I would hear was his footsteps going up the stairs, then nothing. All of a sudden I would hear "AAAAAAH!!!" And the 11 year old would SCREAM at the top of her lungs! All I could do was laugh!!! Fucked up? Maybe. Funny as hell? HELL YES!!!!!!!! One of the times the husband went to scare her he said she was laying on her stomach watching the movie and she literally JUMPED all the way to the other side of the bed!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!


The next daughter never really did anything embarrassing that sticks out but she did scare the shit outta me. She did NOT enjoy the transition to the big girl bed. She used to wake up in the middle of the day or night and wanted to come sleep in my bed. I wanted her to get used to sleeping in her own bed so I would always send her back. Sometimes I would RUN to my room and lock the door so she wouldn't come in!!! She would run after me, rattle the door and yell "LET ME IIIIIIIN!!!!!! OPEN THE DOOOOOOOR!!!! I WANNA COME IN!!!!" I used to sit on the middle of my bed rocking back and fourth like I was scared she was gonna come in and kill me. "GO AWAY!!! JUST GO BACK TO BED!!!" I would tell my husband I was scared that one day she would come into my room and smother me with the pillow for not letting her in the room!!! After a LOOOOONG while she stopped doing it and got used to her own bed. But I think she's paying me back for all those times I didn't let her in my room. To this day, at 7 1/2, she comes into my room like a freaking stalker! She stands next to me without saying anything until I toss and turn and "happen" to see her. I am totally not kidding when I say one time I almost punched her because she scared the living shit outta me!!! In my defense I did NOT punch her but I also had NO idea it was her at the time!!! All I could say when I realized it was her was "DON'T BE DOING THAT SHIT!!! IF YOU COME INTO SOMEONE'S ROOM, MAKE SURE THEY KNOW YOU'RE THERE OR YOU CAN GET HURT!!! All she did was stare at me and calmly say, "OKAY"... I don't feel safe... i'm still scared of her... I think I need therapy.

My son... oh my son. My son has done more shit to me that I have no choice but to roll my eyes and just let things happen. How many times have I gone to the grocery store and had people laugh at me because my son has BOTH his hands on me "honking" my boobs... Mind you im a little on the short side. I'm short enough that my boobs practically rest on the handle of the grocery cart. When my son was smaller, he thought it was hilarious that he could just reach in front of him and my boobs were RIGHT there... So, after trying to push away and tell him to STOP HONKING MY BOOBS! It became a useless fight. He would not just honk ONE boob but both. Then he would just sit there with his hands on my boobs and be cracking up! I am at the point where I don't even care but everyone else in the store thinks it's hilarious to walk by me with this little boy with a huge grin on his face "honking" his mom's boobs... ((sigh)) But seriously, what the hell is wrong with boys??? He is NOT going to like it when he's older and I remind him that he used to be obssessed with honking my boobs. Then he's gonna HATE me when I tell him that when he was little he used to pat my boobs and say, "AAAWWW, MOMMY'S BOOBIES PREEEEETTY"................ 

Dude. Get away from me.


I'm not looking forward to all the weird boy things too. I'm still freaked out when he messes with his NUTS! DON'T DO THAT SHIT IN FRONT OF ME!!!! My husband thinks its hilarious. My best friend's son had me almost peeing myself with laughter!!! When her youngest son was little she would go grocery shopping minding her own business when all of a sudden she would turn around to see that her son was hunched down with his junk pushed against the metal devider in the grocery cart seat as he was going crazy humping the bar!!! She would freak out because he would NOT stop!!! There she was in the middle of the aisle trying to get him to stop violating the grocery cart but he would ignore her until he was "DONE"!!!! DONE WITH WHAT!!!!???? Your 4!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!???

Oh. My. Gawd....


So if you ever see me at the infamous grocery store where apparently ALL things happen and you hear me lose it and tell my kids "IF YOU DON'T STOP ACTING STUPID I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AND DOWN THIS AISLE", just walk away. I have always told them that but I have never actually done it... YET... Chances are I won't know who you are and I might just bust you in the chops because the kids have driven me crazy. It's things like this that makes me wonder:

1. What did I do to deserve this?

2. How am I not in a psychiatric ward?

3. How the hell do I ever leave the house WITH my kids

4. Why the hell do I go to the gawdamn grocery store so much!!!???

If you care about me at all, you will take me to a nice white padded room where I can get 3 square meals a day and nothing but SILENCE all day everyday. I may even get to take a few colored pills to make me feel all warm and fuzzy....

my kids....

Mommy White Lies...

As parent's we tell kids lies sometimes to protect them. We don't want them to get hurt so we tell them things for their own good. Sometimes we don't LIE we just don't tell them the whole truth so they don't freak out! Then there's other times when we just can't help ourselves....

Child: "Mommy, can I use your iPod?"
Me: (not wanting to share) "Not now baby, it has to charge!"

Maybe it's just me and my demented friends but we like to tell little white lies when we are just too damn tired to read, play, share, tell them the truth about stuff or buy crap we said we were going to but we freaking forgot!!! I could not even BEGIN to tell you how many times have I gone to the store and "forgot" things. My husband already gets mad at me because I tend to forget things he asks for ALMOST all the time!!! I don't do it on purpose and I totally HATE writing lists. I blame it on the kids for making me stupid. Regardless, the husband made me download an app on my phone that we can BOTH access. Say Im at the store and I remember to use my list. If he's at home, opens the fridge and SHIT, there's no milk, he will add MILK to the list and POP! it will show up on my phone to pick up some milk. The first time we used this I was PMSing and he told me to pick up a new attitude.... Ha ha ha very funny....

Anyway, this story isn't about husbands with a witty sense of humor, its about moms and their abilities to manipulate their children into believing that the tooth fairy must have had wayyyyy too many teeth to pick up last night because there is NO way in hell they would of missed them on purpose! Meanwhile Mommy was busy catching up on Vampire Diaries on the DVR and forgot to get the tooth before going to bed. THEN Mommy was busy sleeping and drooling on herself while dreaming about being in a big empty house that was magically clean and I was in a bathtub filled with bubbles and candles everywhere and absolutely NO Thomas the Tank Engine toys chugging up my ass!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL I was going to remember to get up early and do the ol' switcharoo with the baggie with the tooth in it and the "new" baggie with the mula!!! OOPS!!! My bad....

Me: "Don't worry baby, the tooth fairy will come back tomorrow and she will come to your house first and probably even give you extra money because she felt bad she wasn't able to get to you last night!"

My best friend recently came to me for confession. Okay so i'm not a priest and my phone is NOT a confessional, but 'in a way' its the same thing with moms. We might feel a bit guilty about something but it's okay, because if you tell a fellow mom you feel bad, your absolved of all wrongdoings!!!

TAKE 3 SHOTS OF TEQUILA,  RECITE GREEN EGGS AND HAM 2 TIMES AND WATCH CAILLOU 1 TIME

 AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN!!!!!

((If you have NEVER watched Caillou, count yourself lucky. My son watches that show religiously and I just can't stand that little bald boy with the annoying voice- Caillou, not my son... My son isn't bald!!! One show and you just wanna shake the SHIT outta him!!!))


Friend's son: (wanted to play a card game with his mom and went to find it)  "Oh no, I didn't put it back last time and I don't remember where I put it last so now we can't play! I guess that's what I get for not cleaning up the way you told me"  (sad face)

Friend to son: "I guess so buddy. Maybe we will find it later."

Friend's Confession: "The REAL truth was that I had found it and knew damn well where it was but I am so fricken tired and fried that I lied and said I didn't know where it could possibly be because I didn't wanna play with my kid!... I'm going to hell..."

(With my best game show host voice)

OHHHH no you are NOT my friend!!!

You just do the 3-2-1's and ALL will be forgiven!!!

We've all told the regular socially acceptable lies- There IS a Santa so you need to stop hitting your sister or he's not going to get you anything!!! How about that creepy one about a giant rabbit that breaks into your house and leaves candy but hides eggs??? REALLY??? I don't know how the hell kids ever believe that one...

Child: "MOM, DID YOU GET THE ICE CREAM I TEXTED YOU ABOUT?"

Me: "THEY WERE ALL OUT"

TRUTH: Mommy was in line at Starbucks ordering a Vanilla Hazelnut Frappaccino with whipped cream when you texted me so I forgot all about it by the time I finished shopping...

"Mommy and Daddy need to go upstairs and "talk" about birthday present ideas for you guys so we're going to turn up the TV so you don't hear us. Don't come knocking on the door and bother us or your not gonna get ANYTHING...." (That one was my friends version but i'm sure we have MANY!!!) Sometimes you can't fit it in at night so you gotta fit it in whenever you can. And, it's kinda hard to have crazy monkey lovin' with your husband when you have kids screaming on the other side of the door

Kid: "MOOOOM, can I come in???"

Together you and your husband yell: "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Kid: "BUT SO AND SO WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Us: "GO DOWNSTAIRS AND WATCH TV, WE'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!!"

Well not "a minute" but we somehow act more afraid of the kids coming back to knock on the door than I am having my mom read this shit right now... WHATEVER, it's not like I had them kids magically!!! When we're done I give the husband a pat on the ass like they do in football, say "GOOD GAME" and off I go...

"MOM, WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?" It used to be that parent's would tell them the stork will bring them to the doorstep and POOF! a new baby!!! My mom had the best stories. She told my older brother that she wanted a baby so bad that she was finally blessed with a big baby boy! Aww, how CUTE!!! She told me my chinese mom left me on the doorstep with a note that asked my mom to "Please take care of my baby. I am unable to care for her right now but I will be back for her when she turns 18." My mom was SOOOOO happy because she always wanted a little girl so she took me in and took care of me. On my 18th birthday I asked here where my real mom was....

She also had a story for my little brother. She told him that she was out shopping at Kmart and found him on sale in the toy aisle! She thought he was SOOoooOOOoo cute so she took him home!!!

And people wonder why i'm not "normal"....

Stupid people at the mall...

I was at the mall yesterday. I was watching two of my kids run around in the play area while the husband and one of our other kids took off to exchange some stuff. Sometimes these play areas are so gross they almost look like you should get a tetanus shot upon arrival!!!

PARENTS:

INSERT COIN IN SLOT
OPEN CUBBY AND ADMINISTER TETANUS SHOT TO CHILD
PLACE EMPTY SYRINGE IN HAZARDOUS WASTE RECEPTACLE
PLACE CHILD'S SHOES IN CUBBY
ENJOY THE PLAY AREA AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

But, I suppose this one is decent. There ain't shit for kids to do than climb on a couple of fiberglass animals and run around. Pregnant moms looked cute making my womb strings tug. Then I heard my kids screaming reminding me why I would love nothing more than to take a wire hanger and rip out my entire reproductive system without medication!!! Then there's the "other people's kids". The ones whose parents have no freaking clue what's going on because they're in a heated conversation with their friend not realizing their kid is half way to the Angry Birds kiosk! ...

"HEY LADY, GO GET YOUR DAMN KID BEFORE SOMEONE STEALS 'EM!!! ... And while your at it, get me the Angry Birds backpack as a reward for saving your precious little rugrat!!!"

Some of these kids can be so cute! I like to ooh and ahhhh at the cute ones with the cute outfits that their loving moms put together. The little boys with their spiky gelled hair or the frilly little girls with their perfect little pigtails. They are just so cute you wanna run up and give them a big ol' hug, but you don't because you don't want someone to call security and have them escort out the creepy lady who must of rented the two kids she has with her because they don't look ANYTHING like her and for some reason she keeps hugging all the kids!!!

You know what kind of people I hate at the mall? I HATE moms who go out with their nails all done, not a hair out of place, make-up looks professionally done and their outfit costs so much it makes my asshole twitch! Meanwhile, their kid is walking next to them with their beat up Crocs, no socks, legs are so dry their dying for some lotion, clothes dont match, hair is all ratty and they got so much snot on their face it makes you wanna reach over and clean their face with their moms Coach purse scarf!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT!!!???

Rule of thumb: Always have your kids look better or as equally as you when you go out or else people (me) will talk shit about what a selfish bitch you are...

Anyway, there I am, watching my kids run around like goofballs. They're so cute! But why does there ALWAYS have to be an older kid that either pushes his way past kids, knocking them over as HE or SHE tries to get on the slide before anyone else? Then he has to run around and be FASTER than everyone else. Then he has to just CLIMB better than anyone else on the shit he shouldn't be allowed to climb on because he's like 3 years too old and 1 foot taller than anyone else, but his mom is busy fucking around on her phone to see that her angel is actually being a little shit!!?? Kids like that just make me wanna trip them! Don't get me wrong, when my own kids act like retards and pretend they dont' hear me when I tell them to stop running around, I literally tell them they better knock it off or imma trip them, so see, I'M FAIR!!! But right then at the mall... I could just "casually" stretch my leg out at the right moment and see that kid face plant onto the shitty carpet that gives him rug burn on his chin and his forehead! Then I can say

 "OMG KID, WHAT HAPPENED!?" And yes, I would totally blame it on the kid and tell his mom he was running full speed and he must of tripped over his own feet because he was going to fast and THAT's why he ate shit!

"I HOPE HE'S OKAY!" ...No I don't. Annoying little shit... THAT'S what you get...

His mom would believe me too, because instead of paying attention to her little "angel", she was neglecting him and facebooking about how she did NOT want to be in the play area but hit up Charlotte Russe for some new slutty clothes to go to the club this weekend. Stupid lady...

Instead of doing shit like that she should be a caring mom like me. One that makes sure my kids look cute when we head out the house even if I don't. One that puts her kids first and lets them run around instead of shopping. Granted I HATE shopping but we won't get into that right now... One that believes in multi-tasking by keeping an eye on my kids AND starts blogging about stupid people at the mall at the same time!!!

Then there's the women who, are a little "too" proud of their assets... uh... it's the mall. Your not at the club trying to get someone to come home with you so can you please tuck in your nipples and cover up the cottage cheese on your ass? I can feel my orange chicken coming up!!! And you over there- you REALLY have no business wearing those skinny jeans. Half of your stomach is hanging over and your muffin top happens to be TEXAS SIZED! You seriously look like the Kool-Aid man. OMG OMG COULD YOU PLEASE SAY "OOOHH YEAAAAAH" like he does before you bust through the Victoria's Secret doors????

Another group of people I totally FREAKING hate at the mall??? THE KIOSK PEOPLE!!! They don't have a real job so they have to try to sell you their shit from the stupid little wooden getup they have to stand at for 8 hours so they can make sales and commission.

Verizon guy: "HEY, WHAT KINDA PHONE YOU GOT THERE?"

Me: "NOT ONE OF YOURS"

And I walk away...

$80 hair curler girl: "CAN YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW EASY IT IS TO CURL YOUR HAIR?"

Me: "I HAVE FOUR KIDS WITH ME, DO I "LOOK" LIKE I CAN GO OVER THERE FOR A LITTLE BIT SO YOU CAN CURL MY HAIR!!??"

And I walk away...

Green Nicotine guy: "HEY, DO YOU SMOKE?"

Me: "I HAVE FOUR KIDS, DRINKING IS WHAT I DO!"
(okay, so I didn't really say that, I just stared at him like he's an idiot and walked away)

T-mobile guy: "HEY, WHAT KINDA PHONE YOU GOT THERE?"

Me: "IF I WANTED ONE OF YOUR DAMN PHONES I WOULD GO TO YOUR BOOTH!"

And I walk away...


Perfume lady: "WOULD YOU LIKE A SAMPLE?"
Me: (confused as I look at her in her boob revealing top and short skirt with tall boots) "OF WHAT??? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY LEGALIZED PROSTITUTION???"

Okay I didn't tell the perfume hooker that last tidbit but we've ALL wanted to!!! Lucky for her I liked the perfume and didn't care that the husband was practically drooling over her. Maybe for Valentines day he can get me some of that perfume. I'm sure he will be MORE THAN HAPPY to go get it for me!!!!

HOARDERS: Automotive Edition

I know I have touched on the subject before, but today I absolutely had to keep my gag reflex in check!!! I have played a game or two of "WHAT'S THAT SMELL" while in my car. Usually, it's still that faint mix of Simple Green, Spaghetti and vomit from 6 years ago.. Makes your mouth water doesn't it??? Other times its the more powerful leftover smells of bringing home McDonalds the night before mixed with stinky feet, funky ass and sweaty kids who have been running around at school all day. Then there's all that crap that sticks and hides. I had everything from candy, hair clips, one single solitary freaking block, soda that has been spilled onto the carpet and somehow splattered on my freaking ceiling AND under the BACK of the passenger seat, goldfish crackers remains, wrappers, lollipop sticks, DVD's, enough water bottles to sustain a small village in Africa for a month, my childhood dog, my neighbors mail and OH- can someone please tell me how in the fuck did green paint end up in the back seat cup holder??? SERIOUSLY!!!???

Despite the fact that I've been sick for the 11th eff'ing day AND that the husband was tired as all hell, we cleaned the fuck outta my car!!! And by cleaning I mean, we took out the middle bench seat of my minivan (I like to refer to it as my MILFmobile) and cleaned the SHIT out of it!!! I had to whip out ALL industrial strength cleaners, GooGone, Windex, OxyClean, bathroom cleaners, shampoo's, fabric softeners, Clorox wipes, deodorant spray's, Dyson vaccums and steam cleaner with lavender scented cleaner for the carpets AND bench seat- cuz all that shit was NAAAAASTY!!! Okay, so I NEVER ever sit in the back seats of my car. I have no reason to because i'm usually the one driving the fucking thing. So all that weird shit stuck to the seats, the carpets, the cup holders, the shit on the ceiling and the nasty ass brown crap that got sucked out of the carpets that made me want to fucking vomit is ALLLLL my kids!!!

HOW THE FUCK!!!??? Seriously. My CAR should be the beginning of a new show,

 HOARDERS: AUTOMOTIVE EDITION

because apparently my kids were saving that gawdamn french fry for a rainy day...

For those who don't have a minivan, FUCK YOU, i'm totally jealous!!! But for those who do, if you are able to take out any of your seats, theres this metal ditch like thing where you attatch the seats. We had to soak ALL four of those bastards in like an inch of GooGone for about 15 minutes to get some of it to BARELY budge! You know it's bad when you have to ask your husband to hand you a chisel and a hammer to get out the fossils of a damn HERSHEY KISS ribbon, a penny, beads, bobby pins, a rock and for some fucking reason, things that resembled either raisins, cranberries or maybe a freaking roach (i'm not sure cuz I was too scared to examine it)!!! ALL this, of course, fused together with soda, candy, my blood, my tears... I would of taken before and after pictures to post but, I actually WOULD like to keep any and all of my followers and my broke ass doesn't particularly want to get sued for anyone's therapy bills for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder you may have develped after viewing the images that will forever be burned into my OWN head!!! As I was sitting there chiseling away at the funk in my car I couldn't help but wonder if I could make small pictures like they did on the walls of Mayan Temples. Maybe I can carve out a little stick figure with two circles for boobs and 2 long lines for my hair. I would even carve one out with 3 legs to represent my husband *wink wink* . I would put them at the bottom of a cliff buried under the rubble of giant gold fish crackers with 4 devil spawn pointing and laughing from the cliff above.... Nah, sounds like too much work.


Since I decided to spare you the visuals, I decided it is only fair that I try my hardest to give you an idea of the lovely smells and mental images!!! I just want to be able to connect to my audience and to make you feel like you were ACTUALLY there with us!!!

When we were done with steam cleaning the bench seat and the carpets in the car, which still had heavy stains but I got the majority of it out- It looked like fucking mud. EEEEEEEEEW!!!!!!! My husband came into the house to show me the crap collecting container- cuz we're sick like that and like to share disgusting things so we can ooh and aaaah over them. We dumped the dirty water in the toilet since walking out to dump it in the rocks out front made too much sense. It made my toilet look like a black bottom port-a-potty.... Again.... HOW THE FUUUUUUCK!!!???

It's a good thing I'm married because if I WASN'T, and I had to try and win a man over with my decomposing MILFmobile, I would be single for like, EVERRRR!!!!

I can't wait til' the day all the kids grow up and I can ditch the eyesore of a car that I have and get myself a sleek convertible 2 seater!!! I would rip out the second seat and would't even let the husband in it! I would sit in the car. I would sleep in my car. I would talk dirty to it and totally make out with it!!! I would love my car til death do us part. I would totally turn into the old movie Christine only, mine would be a guy and he would hate kids, not potential mates!!!

Moral of the story: If you have more than one kid or were drunk enough to have 4, CHECK YOUR CAR!!!! Whatever you have in there may one day come to life eat you alive or potentially make you rich because you discovered the proper chemical combination to cure whatever it is that makes stay-at-home mom's lose their fucking minds!!!

Kids- the OTHER white meat!

I believe people have kids, not just to "ooh and aaah" over, not just to carry on your family name and to gush over having someone to love unconditionally for ever and ever, but to amuse themselves. If I wasn't a stay home mom, I would probably still be messing with people as the absentminded waitress I once was!!! Okay, I was the shit but, I was also a ditz sometimes!!! Soon after I got a job at a restaurant a friend co-owned, I found out I was pregnant with my second child....

Aaaaand it begins...  Kids have this INCREDIBLE ability to bring out the stupid in ANYONE no matter what stage in life they are in- a teen, a 'tween, a kid or a freaking fetus! They feed off your once intelligent brain and turn you into a piss ass version of what you USED to be! But somehow with all that feeding, they dont seem to absorb the intelligence. Their bodys immune system identifies the smarts as some sort of foreign object and totally rejects it! All of it gets turned into a big pile of bullshit, which, in time, comes spewing out their mouths!!!

Anyway, there I was waiting on a table. My ONLY table at the time and had no reason to rush around and quite frankly, I didn't feel like it. As I go over to greet them with their drink orders, somehow I strategically AND accidentally spill this mans beer ALL over his lap! Mind you, my hand was STILL on the glass.... MORTIFIED, all I can think of was the thousands of proper OMG I'M SO SORRY'S and PLEASE FORGIVE ME'S I was reciting in my head. Instead of going with that, I shake my head and say "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I JUST FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT!"

The man just stared at me and said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

I don't know if he meant that for my stupid reasoning as to why I just spilled beer all over him during his lunch break, or if he couldn't believe I was actually going to reproduce... Hmmm... interesting.

My youngest and only son is 3 and i'm still not used to the tidbits he does. I constantly find myself texting or calling my best friend and my sister-in-law wondering WHAT THE FUCK is WRONG with him!!?? They assure me that its all totally normal... REALLY!!??

First of all, I guess my son isn't completely normal with a mom like me... For some reason he enjoys dropping the F bomb, likes to say "Damnit" but knows how to turn on the charm when necessry. Example...

Me: "EAT YOUR DINNER!!!"

Son: "NEVERRRRR!"

Me: "I said eat your dinner NOW!!!

Son: (turns head, cries, throws tantrum, food, my common sense, my dignity, etc.)

Me: "FINE! Do you want me to give Tuffy and blankie to Susie!" (Yes, i'm stupidly fighting with a child threatening to give his blanket and stuffed dog to our own dog)

Son: "YEAAAH!"

Me: ((OH NO HE DIDN'T! I pretend to open the back door)) "Here you goooo Susie..."

Son: (WAILING and practically hyperventilating) "FINE, I'LL EAT!!!"

Me: FINE!!! ((YESS!!! I totally just won!!!))

So, im supervising the boy to feed himself and he's staring at me with loving eyes and sweetly say's "MOMMY'S EYES ARE SO PUUUURDY!"

I smile like an idiot, "REALLY!? AWWW, THANK YOU BABY!!!"

Boy: (looks over at my wedding picture that's displayed near the dinner table) "AWWWWW, MOMMY'S A PRINCESS!!!"

Me: ((fuck))


How in the hell did he learn to be so freaking slick!!!??? Or am I just losing my touch!!?? WHEN did Rico Suave learn to play ME like a fool? He's good at it too! He know's how to do lots of shit, know's how to manuever my iPod to play Angry Birds, know's his way around NETFLIX but REFUSES to piss and shit in the potty!!??

I swear....

Not like the girls are any better. The oldest thinks it's funny to try and encourage the boy to be bad. She like's to try and "toughen him up"! She say's it's her job because he doesn't have an older brother and she doesn't want him to grow up to be a pansy! Hahaha!!! Good point! Soooo... she goes around asking him to say "SHIP", "DUCK" ... etc... Then she likes to harrass him and see him get mad. SOO FUNNY to watch actually. One time we were driving to the mall and the boy is watching a movie on my iPod.

She leans over and say's "Baby, I love you!"

And he yells back "STOP IT!"...

Teen: "I said I LOVE YOU!!!"

Boy: "STOP IIIIIT!!!!" (smacking at her)

Teen: "I SAID I LOVE YOU!!!"

Boy: "STOP IT, I DONT WANT ANY I LOVE YOU!!!!"

The teen, my husband and I burst into laughter!!! And yes, my sadistic ass totally recorded that exchange on my phone and I enjoy watching it over and over again!!!!

The next one drives me insane- she's book smart as all hell, loves reading, playing music and is a relatively good kid with a big sense of humor... but HOLY HELL can she act like the biggest ditz that it just makes your head spin!!! One evening she comes downstairs and asks if she can have a snack before she goes to bed cuz she was still hungry. I told her Yes, but she can't have a S'more, Ice Cream or ANY other crap food...

Me: If you want something, grab a fruit or a granola bar or something healthy. I'm tired of you trying to eat crap all the time."

Lazyass: (Exits room)

Me: "Get back in here!!!! Just for that, your gonna grab what I tell you to get and I say grab a granola bar!"

Lazyass: (huffing and puffing) "Fine. Where are they"

Me: "They're right there in the pantry."

Lazyass:  (opens the door and turns to me) "I dont know where they are! I don't see them!"

Me: "They're not going to yell at you and tell you where they are, try moving stuff around!

Lazyass: (exits the room after a few attmepts to find the granola bars)

Me: "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!? Get the granola bar!"

Lazyass: "I tried to look but I couldn't find them ANYWHERE!"

Me: (I walk over and make her go with me. I open the pantry and point to the box of granola bars that she MOVED out of the way to "find" the gawdamn granola bars!!!!)

Lazyass: "..... oh, I did't see them..."

Me: ((please shoot me))



As for the 7 yr old- she has an infectious laugh, hugs everyone like she hasnt seen them in 20 years and NEVER EVER EVER EEEVER shuts up. She can talk more than I can and that's saying  A LOT!!! On the other hand, she's not stupid. Like a predator she will look at her environment, study it and then figure out an approach. She will witness one of the older siblings get in trouble and she maps out how she's NOT going to get on our bad side. And gawd forbid she catches me on a PMS day and for some reason gets herself in trouble for say, hiding clean clothes in between her stuffed animals and throwing all her dirty clothes all over the floor! I will tell her to pick it all up and put her stuff away like she was supposed to because it took longer trying to hide the shit than it would of taken her to put it away! After a while she will slip a note under my bedroom door or quietly drop a paper on the kitchen counter as i'm cooking with a drawing of two happy little stick figures on top of a grassy little hill, holding hands under a rainbow and sunshine! Underneath it will say "Mom, your the most wonderfullest mom i've ever had!" with a big heart next to it!!! It just warms the soul doesn't it!!??

Me: "Stop sucking up! Why don't you try picking up your room instead of drawing pictures! And what do you mean 'BEST MOM I'VE EVER HAD'?? I'm the ONLY mom you've ever had!!!"

What a bitch....

ANYWAYYYYY... Despite their little quirks, their abilities to crawl under my skin and the fact that they have sucked out any semblance of humanity and intelligence i've ever had, I love my kids with all my heart! I talk a lot of shit but I would stab a bitch if anyone ever tried hurting any of my kids and since i'm not very stable as it is, I think I can claim insanity!!!?? The moral of the story is, having kids is very entertaining and draining!!! You really do begin to understand why animals in the wild eat their young!

"CAN I HAVE A LEG WITH A LITTLE FRANKS HOT SAUCE? THANKS!!!"

Being a stay-at-home mom is ALWAYS an adventure whether it's trying hard not to backhand your teen for being disrespectful and rolling their eyes at you despite the fact that you have seen it on TV and always wanted to try it but never dared, or whether you are asking your 3 yr old what in the hell he's doing in the bathtub and he say's "SQUISHING MY NUTS" as he's messing with his junk- I would not trade this for any other job in the world...