Diet- WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!!???

After jumping on the scale and seeing numbers that made me want to run to the toilet and vomit everything I've had eaten for the past 6 months, I decided back in July to jump on the bandwagon with other friends and do a 12 Week Body Makeover Challenge. It was put on by my trainer friend Your Blondiness (as I've dubbed her). Her timing could not have been more perfect!!! All I kept thinking was

HOW IN THE LIVING SHIT DO I WEIGH MORE ALMOST 2 YEARS 'AFTER' GETTING A DAMN TUMMY TUCK????

I don't care if you all know my before and afters, i'm not embarrassed... Some years back I decided it was time that I cut off that excess nasty shit that was flopping around my midsection. I hated that everytime I would get my jeans on I would look at my flap of fat and sing

"DOES YOUR FAT HANG LOW, DOES IT WOBBLE TO AND FRO, CAN YOU TIE IT IN A KNOT CAN YOU TIE IT IN A BOW? CAN YOU THROW IT OVER YOUR SHOULDER LIKE A CONTINENTAL SOLDIER, DOES YOUR FAT HANG LOW???"

YES GAWDAMNIT!!! I CAN ANSWER YES TO ALL THOSE QUESTIONS!!!! That was just nasty!!! I cant tell you how many times did I spent 10 minutes TUCKING IN my damn fat flab INTO my jeans just so I can LOOK like I have a waist??? GROSS!!!! And after breast feeding 4 kids, ONE who did not want to get off the tit til she was 13 months, my damn boobs looked like long ass socks with tennis balls inside them!!! I could wear them as a damn scarf and keep my neck warm all year long!!!!!

AND MY "NIPPLES"!!!! OH. MY. GAAAAAAWD!!!! They were the size of dinner plates!!! I could TOTALLY have ran out to the AMAZON JUNGLES and be part of some crazy native tribe clicking away chasing around the 14 kids I would be forced to breastfeed!!! I would have feathers in my hair, live in a teepee made of leaves and my name would be Flappy!!! I don't understand how anyone can feed a kid longer than a year. One of my kids was attatched to my boob. She could NOT say no.. I had so much trouble getting her off it was ridiculous!

The straw that broke the camels back??? The month before my surgery was scheduled I was at a Quincenera (a 15 year old coming of age party for mexican girls for those who don't know). I ws wearing this dress with double sided tape to keep the front from moving around. It wasn't a bad dress. But how embarrassing when your dad is trying to get your attention so that you can tuck yourself in because your gigantic areola is falling out!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!

Anyway, THANK GAWD for plastic surgery. I got like 2 feet cut off from my stomach and got the boobs lifted to where they were SUPPOSED to be. Which was good because I was starting to feel bad when in the dark of our room my husband was trying to cop a feel and I had to tell him that it wasn't my boob he was fondling, it was my gut!!!! But what a waste. I got to a point where I was going to the actual gym at LEAST once a week but was not really motivated. I did that for like a year. Even trained for and ran a half marathon!!! Still, nothing. BEFORE my surgery I weighed 155 lbs. So imagine how pissed I was when last July I jumped on the scale and saw that it was up to 163!!!! OH HEEEEEELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!

My trainer sweetened the pot and told everyone that we can actually win MONEY!!!!! SIGN ME UP!!!!! There was like 50 of us who signed up and were on a mission!!! We were going to lose that damn weight once and for all!!!!!!!! For 12 weeks we bitched and complained about choking down oatmeal and eggs for breakfast!!! I never shit so much in my life! I was so regular I was shitting oatmeal for weeks!!! I couldn't go for walks without scheduling time to take a dump!!! I carted around my damn protein shakes so I can chug them after my workouts, I had dreams of pasta, breads and potatoes for months!!! I got so gawdamn tired of chicken I started to cluck when I talked! I would have panic attacks at the grocery store because I would wander in the cookie aisle and I would have images of me ripping open all the Oreo's and eating them all!!! I would sit there and imagine myself running around the store trying to get away from the cops who were called because someone saw me dipping the Oreo's in the ice cream!!! I would send messages to the group on Facebook and tell them that I might need Your Blondiness to use the prize money to bail me out because I got arrested!!!! Some people were supportive and say WALK AWAY BRENDA, WALK AWAY!!! Others would do what I would of done and would say GET IT BRENDA OPEN THE BOX OF DONUTS!!!!!!!!! Bitches....

Then there was CHEAT MEALS!!! NOT to be mistaken with CHEAT DAY!!!! Once a week we were allowed to eat ONE CHEAT MEAL!!! It could be whatever we wanted it to be!!! Our entire lives revolved around WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HAVE FOR CHEAT MEAL!!!!!!

It became a covert mission to plan out what we were going to have. We had to coordinate parties and get togethers and anniversarys and birthday's!!! If it was going to be someones birthday that weekend, we had to save our meal for the gawdamn cake that they were going to have!!! If it was your anniversary that week, you bet your fat ass you aren't going to have any gawdamn lasagna tonight because you need to save it for your stupid celebration of how many years you have been together with the one you love blah blah BLAH!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GIVE ME A GAWDAMN BURGER WITH THE BUN!!!!!! You know how many times I went through the McDonalds drive through and ordered dinner for the family and had a gawdamn salad??? I LITERALLY threatened the kids that if they didn't give me a fucking fry they were going to be grounded!!!!!!!! Don't even walk around me with a Snickers because I would run and drop kick you and steal it from you!!! I was not above wrestling the 3 year old to take his sucker too!!! Of course, I also liked messing with my fellow dieters. I would send pictures of desserts an shit just to piss them off!!! HAHAHAAHA!!!!


In the end I lost 21 pounds and 12 inches!!!! Between me and a friend of mine we lost a fucking 2nd grader!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That is so awesome but so FUCKING NASTY!!!!!!!!!! In the end if you add up all our weight and inches lost we pretty much lost a a freaking car!!!!! I was so happy I could shit oatmeal for the next month!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't win the money but that's okay. I gained back my self confidence, my ability to walk around and sing I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT in my head BLAH BLAH BLAH... I WANTED THE GAWDAMN MONEY!!!!!

Why am I sharing this with you??? Because in 2 day's i'm going to start a SECOND 12 Week Makeover Challenge- Bikini Edition!!! No matter how much I was trying to run away from them, some of those damn pounds I lose fucken found me!!!

So watchout!!! If you see me at the gym, I have one thing in mind- FIND MY INNER SOFIA VERGARA, SALMA HAYAK and make it BETTER!!!!!!!

But if you see me in the grocery store hyperventalating because of a chocolate and carb deficiency, talk to me calmly because I may not recognize who you are. For all I know you can be a giant cupcake and I might just try and lick your face!!!!!!! If you care about me at ALL, just talk to me REAAAAALLY slowly and walk me AWAY from anything that is made of breads, sugar and anything with FLAVOR!!!!!!!! Remind me that it will ALL be worth it in the end and I will be able to look fucken hot in a string bikini if I just put the Twinkie down and stop threatening the poor teenager who works there because he's not willing to lose his life over a minimum wage job and a crazy lady whose eyes are popping out of her head!!!!

Oh... the husband lovingly reminded me that the week after i'm done with my challenge, MY TEEN GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL............. I don't know about you but I have two day's. I hope I make weigh in because Im about to go on a food coma.. THANKS HUSBAND... thanks for that wonderful news. If I go ape shit and need to kill someone, he's FIRST on the list.............

THE END

uh....where's mom???

I think all kids have some sort of A.D.D... Only, I don't think they inherit the gene from the parents, I think they somehow pass it ON to the parents....

When I was little my mom would go ape shit when we would be at the grocery store (damn grocery store again...). ANYWAY, one second I would be following her around the grocery store the next I would give her a heart attack because she didn't see me. That's because I would always wander off to the greeting card section and read all the "FUNNY" cards!!!

I know, I know, it's SO hard to believe that "I" would do something like that!!!


 I wonder what the hell my 3 year old is thinking when one second he's all trying to "comfort" me from being sad that he didn't give me a kiss, the next second he is yelling "OH, MY LIGHTMING QUEEN!!!" because he noticed his damn car on the floor as he was hugging me...

Raise your hands if any of you EVER did this... I KNOW i'm not the only one so don't even act like your all innocent...

I dont know how many times i'm standing/sitting there all excited that my kids are telling me a story. ANY story, doesn't even matter what it's about, i'm just tickled that they are trusting me to share their everyday lives with me. I don't care if it's the 3, 7, 11, or 17 yr old, i'm all ears!!! I WANT to listen. It's my duty!!! It's what mom's are SUPPOSED to do!!! I give them my undevided attention and listen to what they have to say..............

Kid: So today at school so and so ..........................................then the story goes on ................................. and on ....................and on............... and ..... on .............. and ................................................... on .................................................................... and on ....................................... and on ..................

Then all of a sudden....

I stop listening!!!!

I start to wonder- Oh. My. Gaaaaaaawd.... WHEN are you gonna stop talking??? Does this story have an end??? Crap, I need milk! Maybe I will text the teen and ask her to pick up a gallon when she get's offa work. I don't wanna go all the way to the damn store just for milk. I need a cow... Crap! I don't have any cash on me right now to pay her back. I will just give her some next time I'm at the store and I can get some cash. Damnit, I need to write a check for Kissass, she said she doesn't have any money in her account for lunches.... Lunch... Ugh...i'm hungry. I could totally go for a carne asada burrito... I wonder what I should make for dinner??? What in the world is Lazyass doing here? OH - MY - GAWD, she's STILL talking??? Damn, this girl can TALK!!! I wonder where she get's THAT from!!?? HOLY SHIT, I forgot what she was saying!!!  PLEASE DONT' ASK ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE STORY, PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE STORY...

Then she hits me with:

Kid: " SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, MOM???

Me: That's cool...

Kid: "COOL!!! So what time should I tell my friend to be ready so we can pick her up and go to the mall before my sleepover? OH and can you stop by a Redbox and pick up that movie I told you about? Thanks!!!???"

Me: Crap...

I have been a Stay-at-Home mom for almost 12 years. I cannot tell you how many times I have TUNED OUT... You almost have to do it just to keep yourself sane. My time in the car, for example, is MY time. I will turn on the radio to MY station, sing along and the kids need to leave me the fuck ALOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!! If you're not singing along to the the song that is playing, you should not be opening your mouth!!! Whip out your DS, iPod, or book...  I ain't gonna lie, I sometimes wanna turn the radio up ALL the way just so they don't bother me for a good 10 minutes, is THAT too much to ask for???!!! After a few songs, i'm good!!! I'm back to reality! The kids are slugging eachother for spotting a red SLUG BUG, someone got hit too hard and is tattling from the back of the minivan, Badass is whinning cuz he can't watch Netflix on my iPod and keeps bugging me to use my phone, the teen is texting away to her friends about how bored she is BUT she's going to the mall so it's fine and WHY THE HELL DOES MY JAW KEEP CLICKING WHILE I'M CHEWING MY GUM!!!???

One of these day's, without warning, i'm going to just stop what i'm doing and walk the fuck out. Chopping onions? Not anymore... Mom's walking outta the house!!! We're out of toothpaste? Oh well... Can't find any underwear??? TOO FUCKEN BAD!!!! Mommy's not here!!!

I'm going to run away from home. They're not going to be able to find me either. They're just gonna think that I fucking LOST IT!!! Kinda makes me wonder if anybody WOULD come looking for me though??? The husband might start calling lawyers and see how soon they can expidite a divorce so he can marry the skinny chick with the hooters falling out everywhere on the Food Network. He has already trained the 7 and 11 yr old to say Giada De Laurentiis is their new step-mom!!!

                                                                (new Step-mom....)



Many times i've sat back and imagined of just walking the hell out! Just me, a book, my iPod, my phone, a flashlight, a bottle of water, some pringles and a Snuggie!!! I would go to the storm drain down the street and make a little camping spot!!! OCCUPY STORMDRAIN!!!

I've also daydreamed of pulling a Thelma and Louise, hopping in my car, and just TAKING OFF!!! I would probably kidnap my sister in law in Texas, my friend in Vegas, ANYONE willing to come with me!! Not a care in the world!!! No kids, no vaccuming, no cleaning, no laundry, no dusting, no shopping, no sweeping, no responsibilities- just me and them and the wind in our hair!!!!! We would be like fugitives on the run, only no one is chasing us, we are running AWAY from them!!! OH, and in my "pretending" I have a really cool sporty convertible too!!! Only, they would have to sit on eachothers lap because for some weird reason, the passenger seat is missing!!! ((go figure!!??))

Who am I kidding....

REALITY CHECK:

All three of us will be sitting in my shitty candy infested, McDonalds smelling MILFmobile in the Walmart parking lot wondering what the fuck we are doing!!?? Neither of our broke asses have any money so we can't get gas, food or even a hotel room to stay in! Because we were so excited to leave, nobody packed shit! We look like crap and we're all on the rag so we can't even whore ourselves to make money!!! Best chance we have is commiting a bank robbery but all I have is an empty wallet, Pull-ups and a crap load of grocery store receipts in my purse!!! I don't think I can hold up a bank with my damn lipgloss and a stick of gum!!! Plus, I HIGHLY doubt my stupid Ford is up to a high speed chase!!! I would have to call AAA to find me in the desert and bring me a tank of gas and a new tire! And just our luck, one of us will feel guilty because we need to hurry up and be back home cuz one of the kids has a field trip in the morning and we promised them to make them a sack lunch!!!

DAMNIT!!!

I can't even PRETEND right!!!!!!!!!!!

Petty Petty Princess....

We have all had moments where we just make a big deal out of nothing. I have over reacted over so many things I could write a book!!! But WHY do we let little things piss us off so much!!?? Because we're woman, HEAR US ROAR!!! We can be loving, caring, nurturing, guiding and protective. We can also be petty, bitchy, vindictive, ruthless animals!

The other night I was pretty worn out. No matter how worn out I get, my insomnia keeps me up. To make sure I can get some sleep I took a sleep aid that I get at the grocery store. Before heading to bed, the husband comes to tell me he put some clothes in the washing machine. He asked if I can throw them in the dryer before I go to bed because he needed them in the morning for work. No problem!!!. I love my husband and I will abide by my housewifely duties since he goes off to work every day and provides for our family. The LEAST I can do is put a load of his work clothes in the dryer. Not a big deal.

About half an hour later I head upstairs to check how much time is left the clothes. I figure, "it shouldn't be much longer"... I can have a snack, brush my teeth and i'm sure by the time i'm done I can just toss the shit in the dryer. By then, my sleep aid would have kicked in and I can go to bed....

1 HOUR AND 16 MINUTES LEFT!!!

WHAT THE HELL!!!??? I could NOT believe he put on all the "extras" to wash his little load of clothes!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???  The sleep aid kicked in and I was bitchy as all hell because NOW I had to make myself stay awake to make sure I get his shit in the dryer!!! Normally I wouldn't of cared because my insomnia would of made me stay up and I could of screwed around on the computer or watch TV to kill time before taking care of the laundry. Not tonight... tonight I was feeling petty!!!

So, there I am watching TV trying to stay up. I wanted to turn up the TV to wake him up and piss him off but he was going to get so mad because he had to be up in like 5 hours. Sometimes I tap his shoulder and try and wake him up but I wasn't gonna to do that tonight! So, there I am tossing and turning trying to watch the Investigation Discovery channel.. Probably not a good channel to watch when your in a bad mood. It's all about kidnappings, murder mysteries and whatnot...  OH WELL!!! It's not like I was taking notes!!!

Anyway, I kept looking at the husband, sticking out my tongue, calling him a JERK an ASSHOLE and flipping him off.... Yeah.... I was THAT tired and irritated... Still, that didn't make me happy. Part of me wanted to roll him off the bed. Part of me wanted to kick him but instead I flipped him off again. Somehow, giving someone the middle finger while they're sleeping and have their back to you doesn't quite do it for me. I WANTED him see me give him the ol' fuck you!!! Eventually I put the clothes in the dryer and there I was WIDE awake. In case you weren't aware, I'm a writer at heart. (no shit, huh!!??) So, I take out a piece of paper from the printer and write a note to get my frustrations out of my system so that I can go to sleep! I do this a lot when I need to get something off my chest. I think it was one of my nicest notes so it's not that big of a deal.

"Regardless if I didn't 'come upstairs' right away,

how about TELLING me you added a bunch of

"extras" to your wash leaving me NO choice but

to stay up til' 11pm to put your stuff in the dryer

as i'm FIGHTING my stupid sleeping pill because

you needed the stuff dried."

((sigh.... i feel MUCH better) I put it on his sink while I brushed my teeth, I wandered downstairs to double check the doors, came upstairs, went straight to bed. I slept like a baby. The next morning I didn't see the note so I figured, I threw it away before I went to bed. I text the husband and pretend all is hunky dory. I was happy thinking "I got the shit out of my system and I slept good so no harm done"...

Me: Morning handsome

Husband: Sorry I put the laundry on the long cycle last night...

Me: SHIT! I didn't see the note this morning so I thought maybe I DID throw it away like I thought I did. Sorry you read it...

Husband: Why ya writing me pissy notes? It's not like I did it on purpose...

Me: I'M SORRY, I was mad!!! I wanted to get it out so I can sleep since waking you up is not an option. Flipping you didn't cut it cuz you didn't see me!!!

Husband: You were gonna flip me? What out of bed? That's fucked up!!!

Me: OFF!!! I was flipping you OFF!!! I wouldn't roll you outta bed though I cannot confirm nor deny that the thought crossed my mind.

Husband: Whatever.

Notice how I clarified that I was flipping him OFF.... Way to go Brenda, that was SOOO much better!!!

((rolling my eyes at myself))

I know. I'm a retard.

I think THIS year for Valentines Day he's going to give me Divoce papers with a xerox copy of his middle finger....

Do kids drive parent's crazy or do parent's drive kids crazy???

When I was little my parent's, okay, my mom, used to tell me the most loving bedtime stories to get me all comfy and cozy and ready for a good nights rest. Mind you she would tell them to me in spanish so I will try my best to translate the stories a bit for you to understand. One of the stories she would tell us about was the one about "La Llorona" (The crying lady). It was about a woman in white who would roam around every river and creek looking for children to drag into their watery grave. Such a warm and fuzzy story isn't it!!?? Didn't help that we lived near a freaking creek down in the canyon at the end of the block!!! Another one of her favorites to tell us was about a boy who was asked by his mother to go to the store and buy some meat so she can make dinner. In this story the boy set off to buy the meat but on his way to the store found some friends and decided to play a dice game in which he gambled all his meat money away. Distrought, he tried to figure out a way to get his mom some meat. As he was walking around, he found a cemetary. There was a body in a casket that had not yet been put down into the ground so he went over and cut a chunk of the mans butt and brought it home. Mom was happy and they all had a nice dinner. Upon going to bed that night the boy thought he heard something. Yes, yes he did. He heard the zombie-like voice of a man (and yes, my mom would make the zombie voice) saying "I WANT MY PIECE OF MEEEEEEAT BAAAAACK"... Then my mom would say he was up at some intersection, then the voice was getting closer and closer to our house when all of a sudden "BOO!!!!" He was in the room!!!! She would kiss me goodnight and I was supposed to go to sleep.... WHAT THE FUCK???

When I was growing up and my brother and I would act bad when we would be at the store my mom wanted NOTHNG to do with us. On more than one occasion she would load up the car and not let us in. She would start to drive off and me and my brother would just sit there and yell that "WE WILL BEHAVE, WE WILL BEHAVE, JUST PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US!!!!!!!" And in the car we went and we were the best brother and sister ever!!! God forbid we ever ran around the house like crazy people while my mom was cooking because she would turn around and smack us in the ass with the spoon she was JUST using to make dinner! One time while I was sitting in the back seat I put my slippers up on the middle console of the car. My mom looked down and saw that they were warn out and ripped the shoe off my foot and flung it out the window!!! I cried and screamed so much that after we got home, my mom took me back up the road where I had to get out of the car and get my own damn slipper off the dirt hill behind the Baskin Robbins where my mom threw my shoe at! She said she got irritated at my shoe and throwing it out the window was the only thing she could think of to do at the moment... To this day she laughs when she remembers how upset I got that she threw my damn slipper out the window!!!


Once upon a time when my oldest was little I was at the grocery store with my best friend. A guy that worked at the in-store bank was on his break and was walking with us because he had a crush on my friend. She was pushing the cart talking to the guy as I was walking around throwing things into the basket. She was just yapping to the guy paying no attention to my daughter when all of a sudden my daughter starts unzipping my friends shirt. Me and the guy just stood there with our mouths to the floor. Luckily no wardrobe malfunctions occured but the guy wanted to hi-5 my daughter! To this day my friend has never EVER worn zip up anythings with just a bra underneath. As if embarrassing my friend at the store wasnt good enough, my friend once was babysitting my oldest for me while I was either at school or at work and she was blasting music in the car. My friend busted out laughing when my daughter belts out "AUNTIE ANNA HOOTCHIE MAMA" while listening to 2 Live Crew's Hootchie Mama... ((sigh)) When the oldest was about 12 we let her watch The Blair Witch Project. Scared the SHIT outta her. She was totally convinced it was real and me and the husband totally made her think it was. For months she would go onto "the website" that would tell her all about it and she was so worried about the kids in the movie that died! Eventually we caved and told her it was all made up. She STILL didn't believe us which made it THAT much funnier to us!!! Maybe that's twisted but, it was funny as hell!!!

My second daughter used to LOVE the movie Lilo & Stitch. She thought it was hilarious how Lilo would act like Elvis Presley eventhough she had absolutely no clue who he was. Once upon a time when I was grocery shopping I was trying to find something in an aisle. One of the workers in the store was walking by to put something away in the aisle when all of a sudden my daughter say's out loud "THAT'S A HUNKA HUNKA MAAAN..." Yes the guy heard. Yes he laughed. Yes I turned red... ((sigh)) Last night we let the 11 year old watch Paranormal Activity on Netflix in our room while we watched other stuff on the downstairs TV. We didn't FORCE her, she wanted to so we decided to let her watch it! Concerned because we know she freaks out at scary movies my loving husband went to go and check in on her. All I would hear was his footsteps going up the stairs, then nothing. All of a sudden I would hear "AAAAAAH!!!" And the 11 year old would SCREAM at the top of her lungs! All I could do was laugh!!! Fucked up? Maybe. Funny as hell? HELL YES!!!!!!!! One of the times the husband went to scare her he said she was laying on her stomach watching the movie and she literally JUMPED all the way to the other side of the bed!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!


The next daughter never really did anything embarrassing that sticks out but she did scare the shit outta me. She did NOT enjoy the transition to the big girl bed. She used to wake up in the middle of the day or night and wanted to come sleep in my bed. I wanted her to get used to sleeping in her own bed so I would always send her back. Sometimes I would RUN to my room and lock the door so she wouldn't come in!!! She would run after me, rattle the door and yell "LET ME IIIIIIIN!!!!!! OPEN THE DOOOOOOOR!!!! I WANNA COME IN!!!!" I used to sit on the middle of my bed rocking back and fourth like I was scared she was gonna come in and kill me. "GO AWAY!!! JUST GO BACK TO BED!!!" I would tell my husband I was scared that one day she would come into my room and smother me with the pillow for not letting her in the room!!! After a LOOOOONG while she stopped doing it and got used to her own bed. But I think she's paying me back for all those times I didn't let her in my room. To this day, at 7 1/2, she comes into my room like a freaking stalker! She stands next to me without saying anything until I toss and turn and "happen" to see her. I am totally not kidding when I say one time I almost punched her because she scared the living shit outta me!!! In my defense I did NOT punch her but I also had NO idea it was her at the time!!! All I could say when I realized it was her was "DON'T BE DOING THAT SHIT!!! IF YOU COME INTO SOMEONE'S ROOM, MAKE SURE THEY KNOW YOU'RE THERE OR YOU CAN GET HURT!!! All she did was stare at me and calmly say, "OKAY"... I don't feel safe... i'm still scared of her... I think I need therapy.

My son... oh my son. My son has done more shit to me that I have no choice but to roll my eyes and just let things happen. How many times have I gone to the grocery store and had people laugh at me because my son has BOTH his hands on me "honking" my boobs... Mind you im a little on the short side. I'm short enough that my boobs practically rest on the handle of the grocery cart. When my son was smaller, he thought it was hilarious that he could just reach in front of him and my boobs were RIGHT there... So, after trying to push away and tell him to STOP HONKING MY BOOBS! It became a useless fight. He would not just honk ONE boob but both. Then he would just sit there with his hands on my boobs and be cracking up! I am at the point where I don't even care but everyone else in the store thinks it's hilarious to walk by me with this little boy with a huge grin on his face "honking" his mom's boobs... ((sigh)) But seriously, what the hell is wrong with boys??? He is NOT going to like it when he's older and I remind him that he used to be obssessed with honking my boobs. Then he's gonna HATE me when I tell him that when he was little he used to pat my boobs and say, "AAAWWW, MOMMY'S BOOBIES PREEEEETTY"................ 

Dude. Get away from me.


I'm not looking forward to all the weird boy things too. I'm still freaked out when he messes with his NUTS! DON'T DO THAT SHIT IN FRONT OF ME!!!! My husband thinks its hilarious. My best friend's son had me almost peeing myself with laughter!!! When her youngest son was little she would go grocery shopping minding her own business when all of a sudden she would turn around to see that her son was hunched down with his junk pushed against the metal devider in the grocery cart seat as he was going crazy humping the bar!!! She would freak out because he would NOT stop!!! There she was in the middle of the aisle trying to get him to stop violating the grocery cart but he would ignore her until he was "DONE"!!!! DONE WITH WHAT!!!!???? Your 4!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!???

Oh. My. Gawd....


So if you ever see me at the infamous grocery store where apparently ALL things happen and you hear me lose it and tell my kids "IF YOU DON'T STOP ACTING STUPID I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AND DOWN THIS AISLE", just walk away. I have always told them that but I have never actually done it... YET... Chances are I won't know who you are and I might just bust you in the chops because the kids have driven me crazy. It's things like this that makes me wonder:

1. What did I do to deserve this?

2. How am I not in a psychiatric ward?

3. How the hell do I ever leave the house WITH my kids

4. Why the hell do I go to the gawdamn grocery store so much!!!???

If you care about me at all, you will take me to a nice white padded room where I can get 3 square meals a day and nothing but SILENCE all day everyday. I may even get to take a few colored pills to make me feel all warm and fuzzy....

my kids....

Mommy White Lies...

As parent's we tell kids lies sometimes to protect them. We don't want them to get hurt so we tell them things for their own good. Sometimes we don't LIE we just don't tell them the whole truth so they don't freak out! Then there's other times when we just can't help ourselves....

Child: "Mommy, can I use your iPod?"
Me: (not wanting to share) "Not now baby, it has to charge!"

Maybe it's just me and my demented friends but we like to tell little white lies when we are just too damn tired to read, play, share, tell them the truth about stuff or buy crap we said we were going to but we freaking forgot!!! I could not even BEGIN to tell you how many times have I gone to the store and "forgot" things. My husband already gets mad at me because I tend to forget things he asks for ALMOST all the time!!! I don't do it on purpose and I totally HATE writing lists. I blame it on the kids for making me stupid. Regardless, the husband made me download an app on my phone that we can BOTH access. Say Im at the store and I remember to use my list. If he's at home, opens the fridge and SHIT, there's no milk, he will add MILK to the list and POP! it will show up on my phone to pick up some milk. The first time we used this I was PMSing and he told me to pick up a new attitude.... Ha ha ha very funny....

Anyway, this story isn't about husbands with a witty sense of humor, its about moms and their abilities to manipulate their children into believing that the tooth fairy must have had wayyyyy too many teeth to pick up last night because there is NO way in hell they would of missed them on purpose! Meanwhile Mommy was busy catching up on Vampire Diaries on the DVR and forgot to get the tooth before going to bed. THEN Mommy was busy sleeping and drooling on herself while dreaming about being in a big empty house that was magically clean and I was in a bathtub filled with bubbles and candles everywhere and absolutely NO Thomas the Tank Engine toys chugging up my ass!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL I was going to remember to get up early and do the ol' switcharoo with the baggie with the tooth in it and the "new" baggie with the mula!!! OOPS!!! My bad....

Me: "Don't worry baby, the tooth fairy will come back tomorrow and she will come to your house first and probably even give you extra money because she felt bad she wasn't able to get to you last night!"

My best friend recently came to me for confession. Okay so i'm not a priest and my phone is NOT a confessional, but 'in a way' its the same thing with moms. We might feel a bit guilty about something but it's okay, because if you tell a fellow mom you feel bad, your absolved of all wrongdoings!!!

TAKE 3 SHOTS OF TEQUILA,  RECITE GREEN EGGS AND HAM 2 TIMES AND WATCH CAILLOU 1 TIME

 AND ALL WILL BE FORGIVEN!!!!!

((If you have NEVER watched Caillou, count yourself lucky. My son watches that show religiously and I just can't stand that little bald boy with the annoying voice- Caillou, not my son... My son isn't bald!!! One show and you just wanna shake the SHIT outta him!!!))


Friend's son: (wanted to play a card game with his mom and went to find it)  "Oh no, I didn't put it back last time and I don't remember where I put it last so now we can't play! I guess that's what I get for not cleaning up the way you told me"  (sad face)

Friend to son: "I guess so buddy. Maybe we will find it later."

Friend's Confession: "The REAL truth was that I had found it and knew damn well where it was but I am so fricken tired and fried that I lied and said I didn't know where it could possibly be because I didn't wanna play with my kid!... I'm going to hell..."

(With my best game show host voice)

OHHHH no you are NOT my friend!!!

You just do the 3-2-1's and ALL will be forgiven!!!

We've all told the regular socially acceptable lies- There IS a Santa so you need to stop hitting your sister or he's not going to get you anything!!! How about that creepy one about a giant rabbit that breaks into your house and leaves candy but hides eggs??? REALLY??? I don't know how the hell kids ever believe that one...

Child: "MOM, DID YOU GET THE ICE CREAM I TEXTED YOU ABOUT?"

Me: "THEY WERE ALL OUT"

TRUTH: Mommy was in line at Starbucks ordering a Vanilla Hazelnut Frappaccino with whipped cream when you texted me so I forgot all about it by the time I finished shopping...

"Mommy and Daddy need to go upstairs and "talk" about birthday present ideas for you guys so we're going to turn up the TV so you don't hear us. Don't come knocking on the door and bother us or your not gonna get ANYTHING...." (That one was my friends version but i'm sure we have MANY!!!) Sometimes you can't fit it in at night so you gotta fit it in whenever you can. And, it's kinda hard to have crazy monkey lovin' with your husband when you have kids screaming on the other side of the door

Kid: "MOOOOM, can I come in???"

Together you and your husband yell: "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Kid: "BUT SO AND SO WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Us: "GO DOWNSTAIRS AND WATCH TV, WE'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!!!"

Well not "a minute" but we somehow act more afraid of the kids coming back to knock on the door than I am having my mom read this shit right now... WHATEVER, it's not like I had them kids magically!!! When we're done I give the husband a pat on the ass like they do in football, say "GOOD GAME" and off I go...

"MOM, WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?" It used to be that parent's would tell them the stork will bring them to the doorstep and POOF! a new baby!!! My mom had the best stories. She told my older brother that she wanted a baby so bad that she was finally blessed with a big baby boy! Aww, how CUTE!!! She told me my chinese mom left me on the doorstep with a note that asked my mom to "Please take care of my baby. I am unable to care for her right now but I will be back for her when she turns 18." My mom was SOOOOO happy because she always wanted a little girl so she took me in and took care of me. On my 18th birthday I asked here where my real mom was....

She also had a story for my little brother. She told him that she was out shopping at Kmart and found him on sale in the toy aisle! She thought he was SOOoooOOOoo cute so she took him home!!!

And people wonder why i'm not "normal"....