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As much as I can bitch about the ins and outs and ups and downs of motherhood, you might be surprised to know that I also have a sensitive side. It's hidden somewhere behind my spleen i have been told...
Here's a bit of an insight inside a mom's head. Usually I have a million things running around through it that i'm surprised it hasn't exploded or just flat off rolled off my shoulders. But in this case, I've been side tracked with one thing... my kid. Now, my mom might read this and cry like an idiot but that's okay. I know she went through something like this when my oldest brother moved to San Francisco when he turned 21.
Yesterday we received our first official phone call from Smartass. I just about fell apart when I heard my husband say she was on the phone and she was crying. OH NO!!!!! It was a bittersweet phone call. I tried not to cry when I was talking to her, although I bawled like an idiot as soon as I could and tried hard to mask it the rest of the night. I even asked "What happened to the girl who said she was having fun and hadn't felt the need to cry yet?" Well she said she just misssed everyone and everyone's voices. I felt my chest cave in. Poor kid is homesick. She has been away on vacation, she even went to 6th grade camp, but she's never really been without family. I know she's fine. As i've mentioned to people, it's not like she went to the east coast on her own to try and find a job and a home and a way to live. She has a roof over her head, 3 square meals a day and she's supervised. I've been made fun of and teased and even the kid herself made a comment as "i'm not dying i'm going to boot camp"....
Maybe it's a "mom" thing, i'm not sure. But I can't tell you how many times i've gone through my day's fighting tears from streaming. I know she's doing well and will continue to do well, but the thing that got me crying as I was explaing to a friend- IT'S THE KNOWING THAT AS SOON AS SHE LEFT, I WAS GOING TO GO FROM HAVING HER NEAR ME EVERY DAY, TO ONLY BEING ABLE TO SEE HER A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR AT BEST... that's the part that hurts. I get the whole "joking around to distract" but it's not what I want and definitely not what I want to hear. What I need is comfort. To know that i'm not the only one that has a little bit of crazy in them. To know that there are other people in the same shit boat i'm floating around aimlessly on. Luckily I found a FB page connecting me with other mom's who seem to feel this weirdness that no one else seems to understand. We may sound whiney to some people, psychotic or unstable, but as I said.... maybe it's a mom thing.
Yes she would piss me off on many occasions. Made me want to smack her upside the head for being a smartass, disrespectul, rude, self-righteous, selfish, rude, mean and all the other stupid shit that kids do. But in the end, she's mine. I gave her life. I feel the seperation anxiety ripping through me and there is nothing that I can do to mend it becuase in the end, she isn't coming back. She's signed up or 6 years. I will be proud of her, of course, as I am already. I will support her decision and hope that everything goes well for her in this chapter of her life. But that doesn't erase the fact that she's gone. No longer will I hear her come home from work. No longer will I have someone to yell at for forgetting to empty the dishwasher. No longer will I have someone to tell me that my shirt looks too slutty. No longer will I wake her ass up at noon. No longer will I have someone to tell that her car is parked too close to the drive way and she needs to move it or I'm going to hit it when I pull out my MILFMobile....
I like to think that we raised her well. Yes she had her faults but I like to think that if she wasn't as well adjusted as she is, she wouldn't of had the courage to take such a big leap knowing she has her entire family supporting her. As a mom I showed her that you don't need to wait for "dad" to be around to do road trips, I showed her how to write a check, how to address an envelope correctly, how to clean toilets and though she liked the finer things in life, I tried to teach her not to be superficial but appreciative for the things that truely matter. The hardest thing i've ever had to do aside from pushing a 7lb11oz pound kid out of my vagina without an epidural has got to be giving your child wings and allowing them the freedom to fly and live their life as they see fit.... Hopefully the wings she chose to fly with are strong enough to carry her safely through life and have no regrets!!! God speed Smartass and please don't get yourself kicked out!!!
Love, Mom
