Ode to a military mom... well, sort of

 

 

So, I have been known to bitch about my kids on "occasion"... okay, maybe a lot more than the average person because if i don't, i might just lose my shit!!! Last week we received our first letter from the teen who happens to be in the Air Force BMT. It was nice to read that she was doing well, had a few mishaps (a bird shit on her bag upon getting off the bus and getting yelled at to get in formation!) but was having fun with it. She endearingly described the assistant TI as pretty woman who's "kinda mean" and said one day she wanted to be just like her! How is it that THAT made me proud??? Lol!!

As much as I can bitch about the ins and outs and ups and downs of motherhood, you might be surprised to know that I also have a sensitive side. It's hidden somewhere behind my spleen i have been told...

Here's a bit of an insight inside a mom's head. Usually I have a million things running around through it that i'm surprised it hasn't exploded or just flat off rolled off my shoulders. But in this case, I've been side tracked with one thing... my kid. Now, my mom might read this and cry like an idiot but that's okay. I know she went through something like this when my oldest brother moved to San Francisco when he turned 21.


Yesterday we received our first official phone call from Smartass. I just about fell apart when I heard my husband say she was on the phone and she was crying. OH NO!!!!! It was a bittersweet phone call. I tried not to cry when I was talking to her, although I bawled like an idiot as soon as I could and tried hard to mask it the rest of the night. I even asked "What happened to the girl who said she was having fun and hadn't felt the need to cry yet?" Well she said she just misssed everyone and everyone's voices. I felt my chest cave in. Poor kid is homesick. She has been away on vacation, she even went to 6th grade camp, but she's never really been without family. I know she's fine. As i've mentioned to people, it's not like she went to the east coast on her own to try and find a job and a home and a way to live. She has a roof over her head, 3 square meals a day and she's supervised. I've been made fun of and teased and even the kid herself made a comment as "i'm not dying i'm going to boot camp"....

 

Maybe it's a "mom" thing, i'm not sure. But I can't tell you how many times i've gone through my day's fighting tears from streaming. I know she's doing well and will continue to do well, but the thing that got me crying as I was explaing to a friend- IT'S THE KNOWING THAT AS SOON AS SHE LEFT, I WAS GOING TO GO FROM HAVING HER NEAR ME EVERY DAY, TO ONLY BEING ABLE TO SEE HER A COUPLE OF TIMES A YEAR AT BEST... that's the part that hurts. I get the whole "joking around to distract" but it's not what I want and definitely not what I want to hear. What I need is comfort. To know that i'm not the only one that has a little bit of crazy in them. To know that there are other people in the same shit boat i'm floating around aimlessly on. Luckily I found a FB page connecting me with other mom's who seem to feel this weirdness that no one else seems to understand. We may sound whiney to some people, psychotic or unstable, but as I said.... maybe it's a mom thing.

 

 

Yes she would piss me off on many occasions. Made me want to smack her upside the head for being a smartass, disrespectul, rude, self-righteous, selfish, rude, mean and all the other stupid shit that kids do. But in the end, she's mine. I gave her life. I feel the seperation anxiety ripping through me and there is nothing that I can do to mend it becuase in the end, she isn't coming back. She's signed up or 6 years. I will be proud of her, of course, as I am already. I will support her decision and hope that everything goes well for her in this chapter of her life. But that doesn't erase the fact that she's gone. No longer will I hear her come home from work. No longer will I have someone to yell at for forgetting to empty the dishwasher. No longer will I have someone to tell me that my shirt looks too slutty. No longer will I wake her ass up at noon. No longer will I have someone to tell that her car is parked too close to the drive way and she needs to move it or I'm going to hit it when I pull out my MILFMobile....

 

I like to think that we raised her well. Yes she had her faults but I like to think that if she wasn't as well adjusted as she is, she wouldn't of had the courage to take such a big leap knowing she has her entire family supporting her. As a mom I showed her that you don't need to wait for "dad" to be around to do road trips, I showed her how to write a check, how to address an envelope correctly, how to clean toilets and though she liked the finer things in life, I tried to teach her not to be superficial but appreciative for the things that truely matter. The hardest thing i've ever had to do aside from pushing a 7lb11oz pound kid out of my vagina without an epidural has got to be giving your child wings and allowing them the freedom to fly and live their life as they see fit.... Hopefully the wings she chose to fly with are strong enough to carry her safely through life and have no regrets!!! God speed Smartass and please don't get yourself kicked out!!!

Love, Mom

Once upon a time there was a stupid girl...

 

 

Once upon a time there was a stupid 18 year old girl who got herself pregnant by an idiot boy. Back then there wasn't text messaging so she had to tell her parent's face to face, all by herself. The idiot boy with Peter Pan syndrome who never wanted (or did) grow up was almost immediately of the picture. The girl had a BEAUTIFUL little baby girl who ended up looking and acting a lot like that idiot boy. Regardless, the mom loved her baby...

 

 

  

As she grew older the mom realized more and more when people say they understand WHY animals eat their young... HOLY SHIT did that kid drive her up the fucken wall!!! Regardless, she was determined to be the best mom as possible. Yes the thought crossed her mind on occasion to just slap a post it note on her forehead and drop her off at grandma's house, but she figured that might be "frowned upon"....

Years, a husband and 3 kids later the mom was a hot mess... She had 3 daughters who couldn't be any more different from eachother and tested her nerves on a daily basis. She also had a son that made her WANT to be an alcoholic but unfortunately she couldn't really afford it... Well, she COULD but she thought the husband might "frown upon" her feeding the kids Kool-Aid and Top Ramen week after week... whatever...

One day the oldest daughter turned 18. The mom was nervous but greatful that she didn't have a boyfriend. Though she was the best thing that ever happened to her at that age, the mom did NOT want her daughter to have the same fate. I mean, she had enough trouble remembering to put away the dishes in the dishwasher, how could she ever tend to a kid! One day the kid decided she wanted to join the military. And- she was going to leave in 4 months...

HOLY SHIT!!! 4 months just didn't seem like that much time! As proud as the parent's were, the mom was in panic mode!!! HOW THE HELL COULD SHE LEAVE!!!??? AFTER ALL THE SHIT SHE EVER DID FOR HER, HOW CAN SHE JUST LEAVE!!?? Okay, so she's doing it for all the right reasons and she's "legally" an adult- although her frame of mind can be something i'd question.

Just as usual, the girl pissed off the mom and dad here and there to the point where the mom wanted to beat the living shit out of her sometimes. Sometimes she would even think OMG WHY CAN'T SHE LEAVE NOW SO THEY CAN TEACH HER SOME GAWDAMN RESPECT!? But in the end, her heart hurt thinking that once she leaves, it mean that she will only see her a few times a year at most. GAWDAMNIT!!!

All the headaches, all the heartaches, all the back talking, all the times the kid would hurt her feelings, all the times the kid would do whatever she wanted, all the times the mom wanted to slap that disrespectful little shit but held back, all the times she was frustrated as all hell that all she could do was cry is now strangely "cherished"... it makes her smile remembering how not too long ago she wanted to beat her 18 year old self-righteous ass, only to feel empty inside when she knew she was no longer HERE....

 

 

When good girls go bad!!!

Riddle me THIS....

If someone was going to fuck you in the ass with a cactus, fuck with your livelihood, threaten your family life, your way of living, your credit, your job.... would you do ANYTHING YOU CAN to help your family???

Now what if it was out of your control and it was your government????

A long time ago I watched this wonderful documentary called The Client List. It was a very infomative show about how a woman who was broke as all hell decided to get a job to help her family and when the job required her to prostitute herself, she sucked up her pride and did what she had to do....

So now that me and my friends are facing a possible 40% cut in our household income, some are toying with the idea of becoming strippers and giving hand jobs in the grocery store parking lot to get a gallon of fucking milk!!!!! I know one thing for sure, we would have to hit up Old People Wednesday's since they will actually HAVE an income, fixed, maybe, but an income nonetheless!!!!

PSSSSSST...... HEY GEEZER, let the wifey get your supplements, want me to rub one out for you in the meantime? I need gas money!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!! HOW FUCKING HORRIBLE WOULD THAT BE!!!???

aw screw it... I'll just get some hand sanitizer at Costco and stock up on latex gloves....

I'm sorry, but, I have MORALS gawdamnit!!!!!!!! A verbal filter I do NOT have, but morals do exist!!! BUT anyone who say's they would NEVER stoop to that level-

 

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, YOUR SO FULL OF SHIT!!!!!!!

 

 

 

When you are trained for NOTHING, have no college degree, people are fighting for shitty paying jobs, and your husband is about to get disgusting pay cut, you cannot tell me you would not consider spinning around the pole for $100/hr!!!! Hell, I'd even do lap dances if it means getting an extra $20!!!! And c'mon, find a good friend, and BAM!!! Bachelor parties!!!!!!!! Maybe even a little touchy touchy can get you a $50!!!!! And spare me your little "OMG I WOULD NEVERRRRRRR" speech because if you had to get a little slap on the ass for some dough to get dinner on your table for a couple of day's... YOU WOULD STICK THAT ASS ALL UP IN THEIR FACE AND TRY AND GET A BENJAMIN!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

One thing for sure I need to work on my upper body strength... I've seen videos on some of the shit these pole dances do and I would totally fall flat on my mother fucking face if I was told to clench my legs around that fucker to show how strong I am!!!! I would NOT look all graceful like some Cirque du Soleil professional and totally NOT look sexy!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would look like an animal that got caught in a bear trap and is trying to escape!!! PLUS- i'm scared of heights!!!! I'm only 5 foot 1 and anything higher than that would make me feel like i'm crashing down!!! Well one thing for sure I won't need any lip injections to have the voluptious sexy lip look because I would have face planted on the damn floor enough to not need that shit- EVERRRRRRR!!!!!

 

 

Well in the meantime i'm going to work on finishing this 10 week challenge that i'm 5 weeks behind on, try and win some fucking money before I'm forced to hit the pole!!! At least I will look fucking hot and guarantee myself a spot on the A group so that I can make some big bills not get quarters thrown at me!!!!!